You held my hand.
you kissed my cheek.
You whispered words
of love to me.
I was young.
I was sick.
Did I know you?
Did I comprehend?
I held your hand.
I kissed your cheek.
I whispered words
of love to you.
You were old.
You were sick.
Did you know me?
Did you comprehend?
I stroked your hair.
I comforted you.
I held you in my arms.
I held you close.
You were young.
You were sick.
Did you know me?
I think you did.
You stroked my hair.
You comforted me.
You held me in your arms.
You held me close.
I was old.
I was sick.
Did I know you?
I think I did.
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Hey, all you readers. =) I wrote this kind of as a birthday present to my friend; and her mom. My friend is about 53, and her mom passed away two years ago. Today would have been her birthday, and I felt like writing something for her. What do you think? Just to clarify: The brown writing is the daughter speaking.The green is the mom speaking
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138,267 Literary Works • 672,093 Reviews
Thank you, once again! ^_^ If you want me to review anything, let me know!
Hello again.
it was easier to read somehow.
I love how you color coded it
This is very sweet and almost made me cry. There's just something about age and death that brings tears to my eyes. Another job well done, I couldn't have said it better myself. I loved the last stanza of it, it was so sweet!
If you need anything else reviewed please, don't be afraid to let me know! I haven't been disappointed in your work yet and I don't plan on being. Till next time!
-Tabby
Did you read the post above yours? I explained it..
I just read this poem. It's good anyways. But I don't really get the "Did you comprehend?" part.
Thank you
Thank you, all! I wrote this off the top of my head, really. I guess I had better explain myself. The repetition is there for a purpose. The first part, where the daughter is speaking, is basically talking about when she was young. If she got sick, her mom (like most moms) took care of her. She was pondering whether or not she knew it was her mom during the time, suggesting she had a fever.
This part was saying "Through my fever, did I recognize who you were?" When people get older, they sometimes loose their memory. When it gets to the second part of the daughter speaking, Is asking 'While I comfort you in your last moments, while I say goodbye, do you know it's me?"Then, when the mother is speaking (presumably from Heaven) She says,basically, "While you were young and sick, you did recognize me. Just as when I was old and sick, I recognized you."
That's why the repetition is there. Does that make sense, or is my fever getting to me?
Hello there
I really liked this repetition.I think that "comprehend" is a very broad term and it requires us readers to try and figure out what it could mean. I just wanted to clear that up.
Other than that, this was a very sweet poem and I suspect that your friend is entirely greatful for it.
Keep writing and good luck!
~Happy New Year
As far as the repetition goes, I'll admit, I'm not the biggest fan. Repetition, at least to me, is a tricky sort of thing. If you don't do it right with the right amount of subtlety, then the whole thing will kind of crumble. I'll admit that I liked how you presented the repetition here, but it still doesn't seem as good as it could be. Others have already talked about polishing and perfecting parts and elaborating in areas, but for me, the main thing I think you should worry about is the repetition you're using. If you elaborate, you'll still have to be able to control those repeats and be able to tweak them with little problem.
Hey!!
I really liked how you offered both sides of the story to a relationship in a structured way. It's really a unique piece of prose that I do not think I have come upon very often. I think you have some great ideas practically placed throughout here which are greatly emphasized by your usage of repetition and parallel structure. I think a few previous reviewers have brought up the ideas of that it needs to be polished a bit and can be a little choppy at points. Just keep working on the flow of your words and syntax you use.
Overall, it's a great poem and I wish you the best of luck!
Here, as promised.
Overall, this was sweet...but as a critical reviewer I could also say that it could be expanded, polished and perfected. It had a rhythm but it was at the cost of repetitive stanzas, and I think you could've brought it together without doing that. It was just lacking a little luster, I guess. Keep digging and you'll find a gem in there somewhere. You just need to work on bringing things together without them being repetitive.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Hey, Toe ^_^ Thanks for the review! I noticed it didn't seem to flow so well, so I edited it a bit. What do you think now?
If you were sick and with not know her.. How did you do this?
I don't know, but I feel you repeated that once too many.
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