I'm entering a contest, and the only thing they gave as guidelines was that the piece had to fit the theme, "Once Upon a Time", however we felt to respond to that. And so, here is my poem. (If anyone has any better title suggestions, those would be appreciated as well as the normal editing comments!) Thanks, all. =)
Whispers of dreams float about,
strains of a forgotten yesterday.
They remind me of what could have been,
Once upon a time.
When days were bright
and hopes were high,
nothing could stop me;
Once upon a time.
The weight of failure
consumed all I believed.
I could be all I wanted,
But not in my time.
It seemed a cruel joke
to see the desires of others.
I could do it too,
But not in my time.
A hand reached out to me,
promising a better life.
I’m getting to that point,
One day at a time.
All that was good
will one day be again.
Because the Healer restores,
One day at a time.
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Once upon a time,
when jobs were aplenty,
and dreams could freely float.
I guess we missed that boat.
Nicely written poem~
Hey, I Love these Poem it reminds me of some things. I don't think you should use time alot there are other words, that rhythms and some that don't that means the same thing. Also i think you just forced this out, but when your writing just let anything come to your mind, and keep writing. for your draft then fix it when you go over it.
Hi! Pako here I'll try to review this poem..
This is great I like the idea, I like the structure but one thing I found some rhyming scheme in the other stanza and the others don't have for me it's bothering. But overall I like this poem the theme "once upon a time " before reading it I thought it will be a story telling of a mother to her child going to sleep or something related to fairy tale. Good job
Thanks for your input! I still see no rhyme scheme-- could you point it out?
Yeah, my mother never read stories to me, and fairy tales weren't really allowed in my house. So my response to the theme was quite a bit different than I'd imagine most to be.
Thanks again!
Oh, and a huge WELCOME to YWS!! =D Let me know if you need any help or if you want something reviewed-- though my profile lies, I've been here since 2007 or so.
I love it!
It's extrememly soft spoken and sad. It feels as though it's being whispered in your ears as you read it. The second stanza has rhyme scheme and the rest of the poem doesn't. That kind of bothers me, but I think that's the only problem I have.
I love how it's the whole Once Upon a Time theme, without it being full of fairytales. I like how things start getting better as time moves on. It's really a great piece of work. I think you'll do good. It has a good plot line and it isn't too cheesy or cliche. It's original and all in all I think you did an excellent job on it.
Keep up the good work!
I didn't notice a rhyme scheme in the second stanza. o_O
Thank you for your kind words! They mean a lot. =)
Hey, I'm Hightop, here to review your poem
The first thing I can say about your poem is that there is almost no flow from line to line. It feels extremely forced. From what I can see, It's because you used some awkward words such as "Healer" and "flourish". Another thing that breaks it up is your use of punctuation. Not the actual use of it, but the way you used it. When you're writing your poem read every word, line and stanza out loud, but don't read it the way you imagined it, read it the way it's written. This will help you identify where improvements can be made.
On repetition, I don't like the way you used it either. It seems out of place at times. Particularly in the second, forth and fifth stanzas. I would advise making small changes to the lines here. Something that would still be in line with your message, but different, so the poem doesn't get boring.
Now you capitalized ever new line. In poetry we have the freedom to capitalize and not capitalize where ever we feel it fits. It kind of makes your poem seem bulky and difficult to read. I would suggest going easier on the capital letters.
Enough of the negative, and onto the positive!
I like what you're trying to say with this poem, but your message get lost because the reader has to focus on reading it correctly to absorb what your saying, but after rereading I got your message. Again, your emotion kind of gets lost in the reading,but I got it after rereading. The problem here is that this is for a competition, they might not reread it.
What I'm trying to say is that this is a good poem buried under the way it's written. The good thing is that these little things are not that hard to fix.
I'm sorry if I'm coming off harsh, but all in all, I'm just trying to help. Feel free to P.M me if you have any more questions on my review.
-Hightop!
Yeah, I had a feeling it would be choppy and forced. I found out about the contest yesterday, and the deadline is tomorrow. So, I wrote it today in about 5 minutes, and figured that my wonderful writer friends could help me with it. =D
Thank you for all of your pointers and encouragement-- both are needed!
(responding to your P.M) Okay, I see a very clear improvement in this poem. It's much easier to read and I can actually focus on what your saying. I think this is a good lesson on how every little thing in a poem effects how it's read, interpreted and thought of!
If you make more changes let me know!
With the capitalization here, I'm neutral. It doesn't take much away, but it doesn't add much either. I'd go with either.