what is the worth of an unwritten thought
trickling through consciousness as not even a droplet
but an ever-flowing stream where one painful truth tumbles and twines with another
lost among grit and sand and shaking fingers
until its pulled from the stream in a crystal glass
and put on display with its blinding reflection
melting the world into endless white
lies
and truths (who am I to judge
who am I to believe)
it drips onto electronic paper to form
only
a tear-drop shaped rainbow of rbg
what is the worth of a thought barely carved into reality
before it trickles from its pedestal back into a raging river of indecision
and regret
where countless mistakes (misunderstandings
misconceptions) are banished to a world of endless
void as if they were never real in the first place
and oh so easily forgotten
if a tree falls in an empty forest
will anything change at all
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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130,206 Literary Works • 671,512 Reviews
Hello Noni! Long time, no see!
So I really like this poem. Its tone and mood are so deliciously hopeless, and you have some really nice images and word choices. Really great job.
One piece of advice I feel that would apply to this poem would be: make sure that every line and every word has a purpose. Poems start to feel cluttered when there's no purpose to the words, or you're repeating the same thing just in different words.
Also, I feel like this might benefit from an order. Like, start small and go big or start inside and go outside... Right now, it sort of feels like a mish mosh of images. You might have this already, with the following of this droplet, but it's just a little hard for me personally to follow it. Perhaps that's my problem and not the poem's.
I can tell that this poem is pretty personal, and the emotion I feel from it is definitely palpable. You did a really good job in conveying it. I'm sorry I don't have anything more helpful to say!
Keep writing!
~fortis
Hey! Maddie here with a poetry review for you!
"trickling through consciousness as not even a droplet"
-This literally stopped me from reading further because this is really awkwardly written. Like I'm still trying to figure out a different way to word this.
Maybe...
"Not a droplet tricking through the consciousness"
That makes a lot more sense.
I'd take out the "and" between grit and sand in line four of the first paragraph, just put in a comma. It'd flow nicer that way.
The first and third stanza are strangely long, while stanza two has a line that's just the word "only." Plus there's a line in stanza one that's only "lies."
Ok then. I'd make them a bit more cohesive in terms of lengths. I get that this is free-verse, but it looks strangely laid out.
Ok besides those things, I really do like this piece. I like the idea of talking about the importance of unsaid feelings by explaining unsent emails. It's a very interesting concept, and one that a majority can understand, given the day and age.
I really think this has the potential to be a fantastic piece! Just change it up a bit and it could be even more amazing.
Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
~Maddie