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139,719 Literary Works • 672,668 Reviews
Hey there, Jas! Scar here to review, as promised!
First off, I'm not sure if you meant this intentionally or not, but somehow I think the 'of' in this line "the pigeon of the beach" is meant to be an 'on'. If it's not, then completely ignore this. Either way, I thought that I might point it out in case it was a slip up.
Now, as for the poem... The flow is actually rather clever and simple, but I feel that that is what makes the poem so good. It really flows so smoothly, until the line I mentioned above (although, it can easily be fixed), but that doesn't ruin the poem. In fact, I think it may add a little to it. As for the rhyming, that, though simple, is actually rather effective. I really like it. I like how you go from water and renewing to sun and warmth, to critters and red, the critters being crabs, and the unseen and unknowable waves then to the birds and thieving. And then you end with it all linking back to a painting once seen on a wall. I think it's a rather sneaky and smart way to end this poem. Brilliant, indeed. I approve, very much so!
Overall, you have a wonderfully simple yet elegant and brilliant poem here, Jas. Thank you for the beautiful, wonderfully elegant and simple work. I adore it! *clicks like* Keep it up and never stop writing! And don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise, either!
~Scar. <3
This kind of reminds me of a children's book. The rhyme scheme, for instance, or the way each stanza is explaining a facet of something without really having all that much emotion (whether or not there is some emotion attachment, of course!).
Anyways, I could see images being painted to this. That sprawling beach marked with sand drifts and little red crabs at the corner. Something very pretty and a good introduction into poetry for tots, but as a really thick, beautiful piece of poetry? I found it sort of lacked. It was altogether profound. It didn't express something really intuitive. It was refreshing that you chose to push away from basic human desires which is what most poetry seems to centerfold around, but the superficiality of this poem became almost dreary in retrospect.
Not saying that this was bad, by all means. It was a fantastic start and a nice deviation from the regular pattern of things.
A big problem I found was that it really didn't convince me of anything. As I read it, I felt like saying 'oh, okay. And the point of this was?', even though the point was blatantly obvious. But because of the wording and the style and the way you didn't conceal anything with a hint of subtlety, I found that I could not appreciate it for its imagery. I only saw it for some pretty description and that was about it.
A big reason for this would be;
Odd sentences. The mind will automatically place sand as some form of dirt or dust. The way it gets stuck between your toes, for instance, or that it gets into everything and takes forever to clean up. Its a comparison for old. Ex. 'washed away in the sands of time'. We think of the desert. Of pyramids and heat and sweat and grime. Sand being 'anew' seems silly. Almost ridiculously so like saying 'the clown got a desk job and now wheres a suit and is a computer engineer'. We don't see the clown as being something dreary. A desk-job type. We see the clown as being something colorful and happy.
This contradiction did not, by any means, go well with the imagery of this poem.
But that's okay! It's a start and starts are generally the hardest part of writing. Personally, I would like to see you shed some of those inhibitions that you want to keep in place when it comes to poetry, like the fact that you have to write in such perfect little lines, in perfect little stanzas, with every other line rhyming like something straight of of a children's novel. Poetry doesn't have to be pretty, dear, but it has to be alive.
Now the question is, do you feel that this piece of poetry had a pulse?
~Walker