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139,719 Literary Works • 672,668 Reviews
Hello!!I will be your reviewer today....
First let me point out some basic things.....
Punctuations.....you have punctuated this halfhazardly and it could be improved.....
Division of stanzas.....you have again divided it into 15 lines...reduce it to 14 and it would become a sonnet...
Rhymes...you could increase the rhyming words and maybe give it a rhyming pattern of sorts...
Secondly things I liked...
You did a great job in giving such a vivid picture...it has such a nice theme and story...
I liked the way how you started it as well as how you ended it....absolutely fabulous!!!
Then again this being a nature poem and that to realistic makes it a unique poem on its own....
Everything is written and expressed so beautifully that I really love it!
Thirdly let me suggest some titles....
I am not so good with titles myself but you could take a look on what I suggest....
How about.....
The lost garden....or maybe....
..the garden lost in the skysrcapers....or...
A garden once upon a time...
I like this poem, especially the ending. It kept me reading for the first time today. Although there are somethings I think would sound better it changed.
"Higher and higher" repetition is something that is generally disliked.
"Opening their delicate fingers" I wouldn't use fingers, doesn't seem to fit properly. Maybe try "Unfolding their fragile layers"?
That's pretty much it. It's too short for me to go in depth, but another suggestion is to add punctuation. I wouldn't have suggested that for it weren't for the commas in the end of the first and second verses which weakened its flow.
"Skyscrapers aren't made of green" My favorite verse of the poem. Good sudden ending, I like that.
Nice work, keep it going noninjaspresent.
Hello there! Ariana with your review today. So first off, you had me hooked. After reading the first few lines, I expected something else. Something more pleasant and sweet. Obviously this is not what I saw, however, it was a good read.
Also, please remember to use spell check and punctuation always.
Animal has addressed most of the issues that are on my mind. The only thing left is find a title!
Other than that, this was a pleasing read with some lovely imagery that was bittersweet. You're off to a great start! Keep penning!
Animal is here to
save the worldreview...Let's get started. Shall we?
This poem has potential but if you can make it rhyme, then it increases its beauty. That was a personal opinion.
A good opening. A good opening sure makes an impact on the poem. You got that very right, those lines were just lovely. I love them. Beautifully written.
It is a nature poem and here you have captured the moment that we are destroying our Mother Nature. It shy away as the poison sets in. You have perfectly described the poison. And I like the way how you have kept the actual thing - describing the 'poison' - for the next stanza. Helps maintains suspense. I know.
'Tear them up, take them away' Wow. You are just awesome. Good thing that you saved the skyscrapers thing for the last. A good starting with a superb ending is just what this poem needed. Very touching poem.
Spellings. Check. Impressive
I think that this is in early stage of development and can be edited. Capitalize and add punctuation.
I see that you need TITLE.
Here are some suggestions.
Poison
Skyscrapers Aren't Made Of Green
Death Of The Garden
I know that these aren't good and you have better ideas but still.
-Ani