Count the days left,
Remaining for you to live.
Count how much u received,
And how much did you give?
Add the sweetness of life,
To these few remaining days.
Let the sun of happiness shine bright,
And diminish the dark with its rays.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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139,372 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
Hello Nanda! Ethan here for a review, brought to you by the gloriously earthy Team Raw Umber.
You a very strong piece here, especially for being so short. It has a great theme, and it was very inspirational. It has enough potential that it could be the first stanza of a longer poem, but it's definitely great as it is. I personally love shorter poetry, and you were very succinct without leaving anything out, so kudos to you!
The only technical thing I'd point out is in line three, where you said "u" instead of "you". If it's a stylistic choice, that's okay, but it certainly did strike me wrong, so unless you're attached to it, I'd probably change it.
Anyway, like I said this is a wonderful piece, and I loved it. You have a wonderful style, and I look forward to reading more of your work soon! Keep up the good work!
--Ethan, Team Raw Umber Captain
A big THANK YOU to you Ethan!
I am quite exhilarated after knowing that you liked my poetry. And I am grateful to you for suggesting improvements. Thank you once again!
Hello there Katteex! You can certainly call my mumma Nands. Coz my name is Mahira%uD83D%uDE00. So thank you for your review and I am sure that the improvements you've suggested would help me out in future. And I also thank you for your kind words of praise.
I'm glad to know that my suggestions helped! I also deleted the review I placed here because I realized that it doubled. Good thing this one isn't acknowledged as a review.
Hello Nands (can I call you that?)!
I like the spiritual approach in your poem but I suggest adding a bit more descriptions (imagery and play of words) as well as diving deeper on the topic (the beauty and tentativeness of life, harsh truths about death, etc.)
I think your poem is a great start or first stanza
Also, maybe it's just me but your poem is a bit direct. For example, in the lines:
You could say, "Days are numbered as the clocks tick by and the moon says its hellos and goodbyes." I'm not saying you use this, but all I'm saying is that you shouldn't only explore the theme or topic of your poem, but also on the words you use.
And the lines
First, the line isn't a question so you should replace the question mark with a comma. And second is the consistency of the tenses. This line comes after the line "Count how much u received." The word "received" is in past tense, meanwhile, the word "give" is in present.
That is all I can say. You have a lot of potential in writing, you just have to flesh it out. I'm looking forward to more of your works so please keep on writing! Also, welcome to YWS! I hope this committee will be able to help you grow as a writer
Best regards,
Kattee
P.S. do tell me if I said something rude, I'm really sorry.
**My Thoughts**
Hey @nanda! I liked this poem, it has its flaws, but has a great theme. Sorry if it seems a tad harsh, I try to be as kind as possible!
**Spelling and Punctuation**
Punctuation was A-OK!
Spelling was good, but I have one issue. It’s a big pet peeve of mine and it’s name is text talk. In the third line, you did this:
Why? Why did you shorten “you” to “u”? I don’t know if you were in a rush or something, but it sort of takes away from the whole poem.
I’m reading it, enjoying the poem, then I come to “u”. In the line before and the line after, you didn’t shorten “you”, so it’s sort of weird that you did.
**Message**
The message in this poem is great. Live life as if it was your last day on Earth. Your poem itself is good at portraying this, but you probably want to be great.
To be better at writing poems (according to some other YWS poets), you need to use:
-Poetic Techniques
-Metaphors and Similes
-Powerful Words
-Imagery
Maybe say something along the lines of:
or something! This line is fine in my opinion, but you get the picture. You need to spice it up! In the following spoiler are some links to writing tips:
Spoiler
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHFLRf-gVJY
-https://grammar.yourdictionary.com/grammar-rules-and-tips/tips-on-writing-poems.html
**Overview**
Has a good message but needs some work on portraying this.
Keep on writing and being an amazing poet, and have a good day!
Thank You @LZPianogirl. Thank you for for your suggestions and your appreciation as well. I am grateful to you for reviewing my work and I hope my works in future satisfy you.
Hello guys!
I know it may appear foolish to y'all that I am reviewing my own work. But this isn't just a review. It is my request to you all to shower your love upon me by viewing, liking and reviewing my works. My posts are shown in the Related Items section. Also I request you to read my blogs...."Mystery Box" and "Power of Optimism". I wish to get a lot of reviews from you so that I can improve myself and do better. So at least do like my post if you like it!
Thank You
Mahira