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कुछ पलों की आज़ादियां

by nanda


बेकैद सा होने को जी चाहता है,

चलो एक बार आसमान में चलें।

एक बार वक्त को पीछे धकेल कर

फ़ुरसतों से भरे बचपन से जा मिलें।

जो रह गई हसरतें, पूरी करने,

जो अधूरे रह गए खेल,

उन्हें खत्म करने।

जो छोड़ गई हमें पलक झपकते,

उन खुशियों का हाल जानने को जी चाहता है।

काट कर ये उम्र की बेड़ियां,

कुछ पलों के लिए फिर आज़ाद होने को जी चाहता है।

घर के आंगन में दौड़ने की,

ख़्वाहिश आज फिर जागी है।

जो कच्चे रास्ते हम पीछे छोड़ आए,

उस ओर आज यादें फिर से भागी हैं।

उन रास्तों की मिट्टी में मस्त होकर,

खेलने को जी चाहता है।

कुछ पलों के लिए फिर आज़ाद होने को जी चाहता है।

उन महकती हुई हवाओं को एक बार

महसूस करने को जी चाहता है।

उन कुछ पलों की आज़ादियों से,

फिर रूबरू होने को जी चाहता है।


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70 Reviews

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Sun Jun 07, 2020 11:15 am
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anne27 wrote a review...



Hey Nanda! You have a fine ability to win hearts through poetry.
Why, if this isn't the mirror image of our very own hearts' desires. Besides, the fact that it is the first in Hindi is also overjoying.
Now, let's get to the poem
(pay no mind to my nitpicks if you don't like them:))-

"बेकैद सा होने को जी चाहता है,

चलो एक बार आसमान में चलें।"
The metaphor used here is really apt. No place like the sky to express the unbounded freedoms we aspire too much. I just thought, wouldn't it be better with उड़ें instead of चलें , because sure, we can walk on the clouds. I'm just not sure about doing that in the clear sky.

"जो कच्चे रास्ते हम पीछे छोड़ आए,

उस ओर आज यादें फिर से भागी हैं।"
These lines from the poem were clearly my favourite. The strong feelings expressed here is just too good for words. They make the reader emotional, and 'tis a thing that happens with everyone. Reminiscing about our past and recalling the fond memories of childhood- these things used here look like magic!


"उन महकती हुई हवाओं को एक बार

महसूस करने को जी चाहता है।

उन कुछ पलों की आज़ादियों से,

फिर रूबरू होने को जी चाहता है।"

A perfectly blissful ending! I'm really fascinated by your knowledge of urdu words. And the perfection with which they are used. These lines succeed in giving the poem a sentimental touch. However, I feel it would have been a teensy-weensy bit better if you could have concluded with the bonds and labours of adulthood. Something like a mild comparative analysis on the unrestricted freedoms of the past and lack of liberties of now. It would just give a fairer idea of what is in your mind that you wish to regain your freedoms? What is your situation- is it so compelling that you so desire to be free? Something like it. Like an epilogue of a novel. That's what I feel.

Otherwise, you've done a great job with your poem and I would LOVE to read more from you.;)

Regards




nanda says...


Hello @anne27! I must say I am absolutely amazed to see such love being showered upon my work. I am extremely grateful to you and I promise to satisfy you with more such beautiful pieces in future. Apart from that, I am thankful to you for suggesting improvements. Thank you!



anne27 says...


:)



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Fri Jun 05, 2020 6:26 pm
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Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi Mahira!

Your kavita was indeed very beautiful and it made me flow with it. I read your piece again and again because it had such a mesmerising effect that made me lost in your words. It felt like a liberation. The feeling that somewhere deep within us we all have a sacrificed a lot of things in the process of growing up and that pain still resides inside us. Waiting for an opportunity to come out and relive those wonderful days of our lives.

एक बार वक्त को पीछे धकेल कर
फ़ुरसतों से भरे बचपन से जा मिलें।

Who doesn't want to go back to those good old days? We all crave for those moments. :P

कुछ पलों के लिए फिर आज़ाद होने को जी चाहता है।

This particular line stood out to me and I can sense the beauty coming from these words.
Though I have one suggestion, you can ignore if you don't like it. No problem. You have used this line twice and the second time that you used, it did not fit with the overall flow. So instead if you put that second one at the end, this way it will be repeated after exactly ten lines and it will feel like the poem has got two parts. It's just my thinking, you don't have to take the pressure of changing it. :)

As a whole I thoroughly enjoyed your poem and loved the sweet message that it carried.

Great work!
Keep writing :D




nanda says...


How nice of you to read and appreciate my poem @Hkumar! I am overjoyed to see that you liked it. I'll look into and see if I can make those changes which you've suggested. Thank you !



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Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm
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mememimer wrote a review...



Okay, wow! A fine piece.

Loved the beginning of the poem. The starting automatically creates an impact on the readers, which, in this case is, simple and powerful. The starting in itself gives away the idea of the poem.
"बेकैद सा होने को जी चाहता है,
चलो एक बार आसमान में चलें।"

"जो कच्चे रास्ते हम पीछे छोड़ आए"
The metaphor used is great! You have a good sense of writing as it is perfectly balanced. I just loved the theme and how beautifully you have expressed your words, very orderly and clearly stated.

There's innocence in the poem. This poem bring out the carefree moments of the past, the past that didn't involve any pressure of the world. There's so much restraints in adulthood that we want an escape, we want to break all the chains and just go back in time which were free of worries.

"घर के आंगन में दौड़ने की,"
One thing I think is not needed is the comma in the above line as it creates an unnecessary pause.

Apart from that, I cannot make out any specific line that I liked the most because each and every line in its own way creates an image that makes me nostalgic, meaning, I loved every line! You have a great talent.

Looking forward to read more of your works. Keep writing!

Best wishes,
I




nanda says...


Thank you so much @mememimer !
I am overwhelmed with the love you've showered upon my work. Thank you so much for such an encouraging review.



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Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 am
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BhavyaMehta123 wrote a review...



Hi! I am the reviewer you are looking for. To be honest, it is a beautiful poem on my very own and favourite theme-childhood. The vocabulary you have used is lovely and your Hindi skills are too good.
The symbolism of shackles is used beautifully here. This is a heart touching poem which helped me relive my childhood again.This poem brought back my childhood memories and overwhelmed me to a great extent. Thank you for sharing this.
As a critic, I have nothing to say. I feel It is a well-written poem written by a person who misses childhood as much as I do. Loved this poem!
Lastly I would like to say keep posting Hindi literary work too. I would love to read it.
Keep Writing!
From: Bhavya




nanda says...


Thank you so much @BhavyaMehta123 ! I am overjoyed to realize that you loved my poem so much. It's a matter of immense pleasure for me to know that not only my works in English but also those in Hindi are being loved by everyone here. I'd certainly continue posting my Hindi works here as I've got a huge collection of those. And also I'd love it if you keep reading and reviewing my work. Thank you!



BhavyaMehta123 says...


:D You're welcome! Do post the hindi work I would be more than happy to read and review them.



sulagna says...


I hope I could translate this in bengali



nanda says...


Oh! @sulagna is it so good that you would like to translate it to Bengali? Do show it to me if you do that. I love Bengali.



sulagna says...


Haha ..I was just casually saying it...as I have hindi as my third language...




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