Hi nanda ! Traves here for a quick review.
--I think the mostly consistent rhyme scheme worked well, and this poem flows nicely. That means, it is easy to read and comprehend. That is a major plus point. Also, always nice to see a non-English poem around here.
--So tributes to mothers are common, especially in Indian culture. And that is one of my nitpicks with this poem. It feels a bit derivative. Just as the case is with "broken heart" type cliches, unless you think about old words in a new way, it comes across as prosaic. That is what it read like here for the most part. Ma as an embodiment of the divine, Ma hurting with their child etc, these are a bit overused in my opinion.
Here are some relevant posts from the YWS knowledge base on cliches and emotional poetry
- Emotional Poetry
- Cliches in Poetry
-- I believe that this could have been mitigated by the use of show-not-tell. Basically, here you are directly telling us different qualities of a mother directly in most of the lines, instead of showing it to us, or going for more in-depth analysis of what these qualities mean, and how they manifest in various ways. Through these a reader could construct a more vivid image which would also make me more interested in the poem since you let me understand it without directly being told how it is.
- For more details on show not tell, I'd recommend both reading poetry of famous poets in Hindi to get a feel (just google rashtrakavi poems) and visiting these links below-
- https://kidlit.com/2009/12/18/what-show ... lly-means/
- https://kidlit.com/2014/10/06/naming-emotions/
-https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=150&t=41426
Although a lot of the info in the articles above is prose focused, most of it can be easily applied to poetry.
I'll now follow a poetry review format I learned on YWS -
1. similes and metaphors — There are 3 I could find, mother as a "moorat" created by god, her as "pyase ko jharna" and her as "dhoop mein chhaya ban khadi rahi" . So I'd say the first two are used well, but I was a bit confused by the third one. Wouldn't the mother be the provider of shade instead of being the shade itself? And shade can't stand. Although I get that you're hinting at her as a tree providing shade, it still felt awkward.
2. Narrative and characters - there's only one character here, the mother. You told us about her various qualities. The imagery was good, especially at the end, but I feel you kept repeating the same dimensions of her character. Compassionate, loving, caring. This article in particular helps me out in such cases Specificity in Poetry
As for the narrative, this was mostly absent as it was ode type of poem, so any kind of conflict or resolution is moot, although it would be an interesting experiment to introduce some in here and work with that.
3. Moral/meaning - Mothers are amazing.( Agreed tbh)
I feel that this is work has a solid flow and a good base, well done!
Keep writing and sharing!
Points: 400
Reviews: 66
Donate