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16+

In the abode of God...

by nanda


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

In the abode of God,

I reached once, I saw neither gall nor malice.

I beheld merriment smiling through petals,

And cherished the strength of the beuteous sepals.

I descried the roots; neglected yet gleeful,

And saw the stem; tough and powerful.

And when I opened my eyes...

I found myself seated amidst the tints I saw in Paradise 🌺🌷


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127 Reviews


Points: 4389
Reviews: 127

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Thu Sep 17, 2020 6:30 pm
Gravitem wrote a review...



Hey Nanda, I'm Myth and I'll be reviewing your poem today!

Okay, I think it's very visual. Maybe not visual as someone would normally put the word "visual", it's just that the poet is constantly "seeing" things, or "beholding". I think this is interesting because the fact that we're seeing through the poet's eyes could mean that perhaps there is another way of looking at and interpreting the poem.


Okay, now I think there should be a period (full stop) after "I reached once" and the period after "malice" should be replaced by a semicolon because I found that the line that followed directly after was very much related to it by it's opposing theme and putting a period there gives it too long a break.

I descried the roots; neglected yet gleeful,

The semicolon here isn't required. The second part is a phrase and should be preceded by either a hyphen or a comma. I'd recommend using a hyphen because the two ideas are very much connected.


I really liked how you ended the poem.

And when I opened my eyes...

I found myself seated amidst the tints I saw in Paradise 🌺🌷


I think that's a beautiful ending. "tints". It just brings so much colour to my head, it's overwhelming. Another thing I like about your poem was how it switched from being a picture to straightforward descriptions. There was no... stutter in the transition. In the sense that it was done smoothly.


Well, that's all for today. Keep writing!

Yours sincerely,
Myth




nanda says...


Thank you @Gravitem ! I am overwhelmed with your response. I look forward to making the suggested improvements in my work in future. Thank you bunches!



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212 Reviews


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Reviews: 212

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Tue Sep 15, 2020 1:59 pm
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EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review! My critique is not meant to hurt you, offend you, or make your novel or poem seem like it's bad, but be warned-you may feel offended anyway.

Praise
I loved the imagery you used here!

I beheld merriment smiling through petals
And cherished the strength of the beuteous sepals.

I feel like those stanzas in particular really set the tone, and brought to my mind pictures of a grand paradise full of peace.

I really enjoyed this set of stanzas as well-
I descried the roots; neglected yet gleeful,

And saw the stem; tough and powerful.

I don't think this was your intention but describing the roots as neglected yet gleeful made me think of survivors of abuse-they are kind of like 'roots' of humanity and though they may have been neglected they are grounded in their glee. I love that you made me think about that, because that's a subject I'm deeply passionate about.

Critique
Alas, as much as I loved this piece, nothing made by man is perfect so...yep. Your review starts now.
And saw the stem; tough and powerful.

First of, that 'tough and powerful' is kind of redundant, a better word would be flat. I feel like you definitely could have chosen a better descriptive word. My advice is to think about other ways you could describe a stem, or at least consider if there are other words that better convey what a stem looks like.
And when I opened my eyes...

I found myself seated amidst the tints I saw in Paradise

I feel like that was an abrupt ending, especially since you didn't previously mention the fact that the narrators eyes were closed.

And cherished the strength of the beuteous sepals.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you may have misspelled beauteous, as beuteous in this stanza.

Conclusion
This is a gorgeous piece that, with a little sharpening, I think will truly shine <3
And that concludes this review!
Keep on writing-
The one and only Ever




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40 Reviews


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Reviews: 40

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Tue Sep 15, 2020 1:48 pm
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Buranko wrote a review...



Heh this is a cool poem, that is really chill and has a drop of hope and cheerfullness in it.
Hi I am Buranko, and I'd like to review this poem.
Your poem is really well made, and I love how it can give us an infinitely small but meaningfull taste of the heavens. Heh if mere human words can't describe the wonders of the Heavens then how much better can it be.
Your choice of words is interesting too. There are many words I knew, yet never got to see in a poem.
The flowers in the abode of God are really well looked after, and you clearly specified that in a nice way "the stem; tough and powerfull". Looking how you see the roots is really nice. A strong root means a strong stem and a beautifull flower. That is sooo nice of you to say about the neglected part.
And finally the ending makes sure we get back on the earth, where small pleasures: the wind blowing in our faces, the gentle heat of a summer evening, a gorgeous garden, are little sips of how it would be in Heaven. Good job!




nanda says...


Oh thank you bunches @Buranko . I can't express my gratitude in words. It was so nice of you to read my poem and leave such a beautiful review. Thank you tonnes!!



Buranko says...


No problem hehe. Glad I could help




I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie