yellow flesh and stringy juice dripping down warm skin
teeth dragging across white pit meat stuck between teeth and i
cannot remember the last time it was this hot.
hazy mirage ripples on the broken black road and heels click against pavement in threes—
i am on my way to find that good thing.
sun’s rays dry sweet sticky trails down arms and hands these were made for loving
and i remember gecko tails and shaving cream covered faces and jellyfish stings.
how this body yearns for Medusozoa’s embrace beneath
those warm nostalgic waves—
for the home where mother learned sticky arms and hands that loved too much
and how to mend them when they broke—
for the bathing-suit-clad children scattered on the lawn
air filled with warm rain and giddy shrieks
hands with fat piss-filled frogs—
but we were young and did not care and washed ourselves in the moonlit downpour.
now gravel turns to sod clicks on pavement to hushed stamps in soft earth
ears ring with the cicadas’
crescendo-decrescendo-crescendo
and the sudden realization that this is what it is.
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Hey man,
This is wonderful. The imagery is specific and you use all the right words to convey this warm, nostalgic feeling. You really brought me into the world of the poem.
That being said, I noticed a few things you could change to make this even better.
I'm not digging the format, overall. If you're going to do a center-aligned poem, I feel like you should use justified instead of centered. If the lines are more around the same length, this will feel neater. I also recommend experimenting more with enjambment. Some of your lines are much longer than others, and while this isn't necessarily a bad thing, I think it would create a more cohesive style if you stuck to a more consistent line length.
I do like the kind of mini line breaks you've included here. This might be nitpicking, but I'd like to see more space in between for the mini breaks.
I think I understand how you'd like this bit to function in the poem, but it made me cringe. Wanting to be stung by a jellyfish? I get that you're saying you'd do anything to go back to that moment, but this seems a little unrealistic. I'd find a different image to illustrate how much you would give up to be transported back to this time. Additionally, I'm not a fan of how you just lay out that the feeling is supposed to be nostalgic here. We get it. Please don't TELL us that's how we're supposed to be feeling. You do a great job of illustrating it in the rest of the poem. Find another word to substitute here so you're not playing all your cards.
This is another example of you laying out your whole hand of cards. You're telling us this, but I need something else. Your imagery winding down in your last stanza is enough, honestly. If you just take out this line, the meaning remains clear. You don't have to spell everything out for the reader. Have a little faith that we'll understand that the narrator is trying to relive this warm moment because they've grown up, they've left it. You can't be nostalgic about something if you're still experiencing it.
This is a really lovely poem, and it'll be even more polished if you refrain from telling the audience too much. Let us discern from your wonderful imagery what you're trying to get across. I hope this review proves useful to you! Let me know if you have any other questions!
Thanks for the kind words and the constructive critique!
No problem, my dude. Thanks for posting!
the first line does not make any sense. their is no rhyme schme and I get a poem does not have to have one but for this type of poem I thought their would be at least some rhyming cuplets. the title is called mango and after the first sentence does not make anysense, but it is a good try. also try to be inventive I loved your structure but your writing needs some improvement, plan it out.
well done and keep trying. 4/10
Thanks for your input. Poetry does not have to rhyme, nor does it subscribe to any standardization, but I can understand where your comments are coming from. The first two lines are descriptions of eating a mango, and mangoes are referenced again in line 7. Hope this helps you read it better.
totally does but your spelling needs some work, no offense.
There isn%u2019t a single spelling error in this poem. Your initial comment has quite a few, as well as quite a few grammatical mistakes, so I%u2019d recommend brushing up on yours.
I bloody have dyslexia so please don't take the mik pljus my laptop is supposed to spell check but from this sentence it does not
Nothing about this conversation has been productive or constructive, so I am tapping out. I hope you have a great day and continue writing.
so even though I have dyslexia you are not going to apolgise then you are no writer your a coward
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review on your poem, on this lovely night, and to help get this out the green room.
Okay let's start
So i think this is a really well written poem, and it told quit a tail, and it got me interested right away. I think the story was really good, and so was the finish, it tells your reader that it has started, and it brings it to a nice close so your reads know the story is done.
The flow was also really good, there was no problems there, and so was the spelling. Over all I think this poem was written really well and I can't wait to see another one from you.
Though I still can't quit see why the poem is called mango?
Anyway, I hope you will post again on YWS, it was a great joy to read this and review it, so don't ever stop writing and have a great day or night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Thanks for the comments! The first 2 lines reference eating a mango and the 7th line also hints at mangoes. Beyond that, the poem provides images that mangoes remind me of; particularly living in my mother%u2019s childhood home in Thailand
Ahh. Okay I thanks for explaining.
Of course!