There we lay
in our oak caskets;
wax covered mason jars
litter the floor.
Ocean's breeze
plasters our hair to
our foreheads.
Your glasses
glisten.
Darling, I could have
sworn, in that
last moment, you
smiled.
The flames leap
and lick at our
numb toes.
It was my fault,
don't fret.
I let the tent
touch the flame.
I don't regret it.
There we lay,
in our oak caskets
on the roof,
a musical saw in
my arms,
a cello
in yours.
I can still hear
those last,
chilling notes
as we let out
one breath,
not caring that
they'd be our last.
Darling, I could have
sworn, in that
last moment,
you smiled.
"Je t'embrasse jusqu'à la fin"
you breathed
and your eyes
closed.
"Je t'aime..."
I whispered
and we both
slid off
the roof
and into the
cold, black
sea.
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Here's your review promised of olde!
Unfortunately, there's something going on here at a deeper level that I haven't grasped. I don't know what it means, which is saddening. I'd love an explanation though!
So, as my level of understanding is infantine, I'll just be reviewing your word choice/structure/grammarand all that today
First, your delicate repetition is excellent, of both
and the usage of French. (Which I understood, by the way, because I took it through high school
It contributes to an all around divine flow. Speaking of flow, I like your consistent line length. Especially in a poem with inconsistent stanza length, it adds order and elegance.
One suggestion, here;
You refer to letting out "one breath," but then say "they'd be our last." I understand that each person was letting in a breath, but I think you should choose to either show that they let in a breath together, and say
or, show that they are separate, and say
Does that make sense?
Beautifully done overall, this paints an intricate image in my head and I love it. Thanks a ton for sharing!
All the best,
Laminated
This is a beaut.
Review to come!
Why thank you, darling!
Why thank you, darling!
Hi Michael!
This is so simple, so beautiful, and so open ended. I love how anyone could read this and interpret it in their own way-- it makes it easier for each individaul to form a connection. Your descriptions are stunning as well. My favorite stanza is this one:
Truthfully, I'm not really sure what this stanza means, but it struck something within me. This whole poem did. I think that's one of your greatest talents, connecting emotionally with the reader through words.
Keep up the good work!
wow. This actually blew me away. It had a very interesting plot, one that I've never seen before really. The 'i don't regret it' part definitely gave it a twist, and I could practically see the poem in it's entirety in my head. The is beautiful really, this is beauty in it's most raw nature.
You lines were short yet captivating and coated with just the tiniest hints of imagery and description. I can't comprehend how you managed to do this, and the fact that you didn't have a rhyme scheme on top of that is just impeccable. I envy you're writing talents, keep writing!
Thank you so much for this review! It definitely makes me feel better about my writing!
You know Michaeld, I love the way you write. It's very different to most poetry. It's short, brisk, heartfelt and kind of quirky. I love the emotive words you use, the internal pictures you create.
I love how you use French words and just assume us to know what they mean - I'm serious here, I love that!
You write almost tenderly, which is sweet and makes your audience want to read more.
There's nothing I can pick on, save the fact that the entire thing is rather vague. Don't get me wrong, it's all part of the charm. There's just something mysterious about not having answers in a poem. Something cool about leaving it up for the imagination.
I love the subjects - fire, escape, love. It's all really beautiful. I don't know whether to be shocked or impressed that a boy of your age wrote it.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Well done.
NightWriter x