The Dead Sea (in two parts)

Hello, Chips here with a review.

I thought your poem was very interesting and unique. It was written in an original way and you used metaphors which were quite peculiar to dissect. I liked the images you were working with although confusing at some points, perhaps that may be due to my ignorance but regardless it may have been a clear idea in your mind.

Just a suggestion for your current title because at the moment I feel like it's misleading in the sense that it has slight confusion hinted by the "(in two parts)" Maybe *The Dead Sea Divided*? But that is just a nitpick your poem title is up to you.

“the world is your oyster”

but I never really liked seafood."

Here, I assume the lack of punctuation is intended for this poem. I liked the start as it was engaging to the reader and it was personable.


"and it always left this salty taste in my mouth,

that not even a stranger’s breath could erase

on a foggy sunday morning."

I would remove the, "and", at the start of your first line here, it makes the line drag slightly.
Though your second line didn't seem to link with your previous line. There was a disconnect. Perhaps expressing it differently, in a way which has more clarity and simplicity.


"you see,

i’m still just a hollow shell choking on some sand."

I had an issue with the, "you see," it just seemed odd in a poem since the reader can't exactly...see it. I would slightly rephrase that to, *When you see me*. Also the word, "some" in the second line didn't create any specific effect. Perhaps making it even more effective by describing what kinda of sand it was, even describing it as, *mountainous* sand would have been better.


"but every time a granule gets caught in my throat,

I coat it with a lie.

(fabrications were always more beautiful than truths,

weren't they?)"

I think the bracket should have been included within the poem lines since it made what your metaphor was more clear.

"and my gills still can’t tell the difference

between a grain of sand

and a school of deception."

I liked these final lines, so In reference to your question I think you could keep these lines as they are.

Overall a nice poem, but I think you should work on the clarity of it so the reader can understand it more clearly to really appreciate the poem. Hope this review helped.

--Chippy

Hello, love!

Aurora here with a quick review for you!

I think, firstly, that you can get rid of the little roman numerals you have here.

(fabrications were always more beautiful than truths,

weren’t they?)

I think you could easily remove the parentheses

so a boy can come along and pluck it from my body,
Change body to throat. Sounds better, for some reason.

swollen tonsils.
too scientific. Change tonsils to some other part in your throat. You can't actually have something stuck in your tonsils, only behind them, and then it's painful, and it can only be bacteria.

Keep writing, love.
Aurora

Hey, there!

So I'm not sure if I'm just not on the right wavelength for this or something, but the impression I got while reading was that this was just a bunch of pretty lovely or quirky imagery kind of pieced together like a haphazard quilt. I didn't feel a thread of narrative or even a thread of common tone or a journey running through it.

If I had to make my best guess, it would be that someone told this person they could do anything, but they're finding out more and more that the world's actually pretty mediocre and there's nothing they can do about it except keep living anyway. I dunno if that's what you were going for, but with the repeated mentions of deception paired with the strength (and clarity) of the first line's statement, that's the best I could do.

What I would want (again, could be a matter of personal taste, so if you're intentionally doing it against the way I suggest, just ignore me!) would be a poem where I could clearly follow the message behind these trippy images. I like the images. I like especially the idea of a pearl forming in this person's throat around a lie's grain of sand. But I don't understand others, like the stranger's foggy breath (why would that erase the taste in your mouth anyway?) or the telling the mirror it's beautiful (is that just her talking to her reflection? It's just such a strange roundabout way to say it).

I guess I'm of the thought that images of reality are beautiful and don't necessarily need to be coated in over-crafted words to deliver a lovely, vivid, intense, sea-soaked image.

I hope these thoughts have been helpful for you!

If you have any questions or comments, PM me or leave a reply to this review.

Good luck and keep writing!

This review courtesy of

I don't think you understand how good this is. This may be one of the most interesting poems are the ability of 'falling in love fast and hard and not getting the same reaction back' poem. I especially love the metaphor being used here, even though I don't comprehend it completely. Your writing is really great, the language is simple, you have a vast range of vocabulary but it expresses what you want and do it in this beautiful way.

You asked for help with the ending, but frankly I think is fine the way it is. But I will give my two pence on it.

First stanza, interesting metaphor. Though I fail to see the link between oyster, the MC and a strenger's breath. Your sentences are like fragmented ideas and pictures pieced together, but I can't connect them together.

I love the second stanza,especially the last line.

The third Stan, was odd as well. Mayhaps the pearl represented something but I don't know what it is. Also, wouldn't it be more accurate to say mouth than body, if it was stuck in the tonsil? That last line is a pun, whether you intended it or not. But is a clever one.

The second part was too short, it felt like it could have been so much more. Is almost irresponsible how you cut it off so swiftly. The last stanza is like to opening to a whole new idea rather than ending a poem, so chew on that for thoughts.

Overall ,I really enjoyed this. Keep up writing. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

-S.s