Young Writers Society

WAOW

Heya Mavis! Stella here to review.

I thought this was great, powerful and emotive in its minimalist nature. But as this is YWS I'm going to give you some hints and tips for improvement.

Firstly, I disagree with your last reviewer about the title - I think the title works because it lets you leave unsaid the place the speaker is in during the poem. I do agree that it's a little abrupt but maybe that's how you want it, and I'm not really sure how else you would say it.

Your first and last stanzas are your strongest I think. The repetition of the first line is good, but the middle stanzas fall apart for me. The second stanza - I mainly don't understand the description of the umbrella and the chairs, and I get too caught up trying to imagine the set up which draws away from the poem and from the imagery. I would try make that cleaner, crisper.

The third stanza "talking was kissing" didn't make any sense to me - I mean I assume it's that they kissed instead of spoke but it just seemed awkward and I would consider rephrasing it. The next line "you groped for my stomach" almost seemed too plain. Stomach just seemed a random one - maybe you meant waistband or something, but groping for a person's stomach didn't seem like an escalation of events that lead to the speaker being at the clinic.

I loved your last stanza. It was easily the best part of the whole thing, you immediately draw up a picture of the girl alone in a waiting room, and that last clause "because you went skiing with friends" really packed a punch. The only other complaint I have about it - which applies to all the stanzas, is why the random line break orphaning the last two words? To me it isn't adding anything, it's in fact destroying the flow a little. I might consider changing that.

Overall though, really good work!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hi there! Rose here for a review for you.

First off, this is a unique poem to me. It was a good idea and it's different than what most people would write poems about.

Now, for things that I personally would critique. You do not have to follow these tips or guidelines, but these are here to help with future works. But every one and every poem has a different style.

1. The title seems a bit, weird. It grabbed my attention because it was so unusual to me. "At the Abortion Clinic" seems a bit too abrupt. Maybe, since you repeated the phase "You took off my shirt" throughout the poem, that would be more fitting as the title. Sometimes you want to leave the reader guessing at what the poem is about instead of being so straightforward about it. The title is what people first see about the poem, and people usually is lured to mystery or suspense. Yet this title is too abrupt.

2. When repeating "You took off my shirt" you would italicize since you are repeating it each line. Adding onto this, I liked the idea of you repeating it to show a message.

3. Another this is you seem to cut the line in random places, maybe to add more lines, but it seems to be all over the place when reading this.

4. Lastly, word choice and a little tweaking on grammar would make this poem great. This poem dragged on a bit, only because of the very simple word choice used. I'm not going to go into much detail on this subject because again, it could just be the style used for this poem.

In conclusion, the idea/concept of this poem was unique but I was intrigued to read it. Maybe try out better titles that will grab the readers attention, since it is the first thing they see. Italicized anything needed. Don't be scared to make the lines longer and be careful when splitting the line. And lastly, word choice and grammar choice (again could be used for style) is key as well.

Hope you might use these tips for the future. Hope you have a good day and keep up the good work!