3:39AM

Hey there, mavisknightley! I have time for a short review, so I thought I'd give this a read. Or should I say, sing in my head?

I don't think there's any possibility I 'sung' this using the same rhythm you did, there's just too many different variations. But I did find a steady beat and the words flowed well into one another. So you ticked that box.

The first part comes across to me as the confessions of someone who is really questioning their life, and quite possibly having an existential crisis. They are practically obsessed with this person and he takes up most of their thoughts, and time. As the song progresses, it gets less 'I'm hopeless' and more 'everything will be okay when I tell you how I feel'. Depending on how you structure the song (what gets repeated and when) this could be a little odd, but as a 'poem' I felt the transition between these two emotions was smooth and believable.

My favourite lines were 'eat ramen' and 'read poetry'. It says to me, personally, that such mundane things can become big events in the day when your mind is occupied with someone. And I suppose that's relatable; there's no time for anything else during the day. Only that one event/thing/person.

That's all I've got to say. Overall I thought this was pretty cool and the emotions well-expressed.

Heya, Mav! Casanova here to review!
Alright, to start off I would say I actually liked this song/lyric. For some reason. Your message was a bit hard for me to completely understand, however, but that's probably sleep addledness right there. Anyway- on to the review!
Okay, so here's the thing. I start off with the good(if any, and in my opinion), then the bad(if any, and in my opinion), then I conclude! Haha!

The first thing I'd like to say on a neutral tone would be these lines,
"Chain smoked til two last night

Up chucked at six.

Chain smoked til three tonight

What the hell am I doing here?"
As a smoker and someone who struggles with self worth/depression these lines spoke to me. I also chain smoke to deal with stress and pain(although I know it isn't exactly healthy or anything)- but they got to me in a weird,"I can relate," kind of way.
Over all I think your punctuation did your flow justice. As a fellow song/poem writer I know how important this can be to convey the flow- and have been reprimanded several times for it. Which is why I also started uploading audio tracks earlier today to help gather the flow better- which I'll start doing to each future post. It is a good idea in writing lyrics to upload an audio track so people can judge the flow more correctly. What may seem fine to one may waver in another's mind.

The first thing not exactly good I have to say about this lyrics is the last line's punctuation.

" so. I.

Can tell you how I feel"
There is a lack of period on the end of,"feel," and an access of periods between,"so," and,"I."
I felt as if the periods here made the complete stop completely.. Not real, I guess you can say. I don't see how it would stop between those words- maybe longer syllables on the vowels or pauses between- but not a complete stop. This messed the flow up for me just a bit.

The next thing I had trouble was this line,
"Take oxy."
Do you mean oxygen here? If so- it might be better to state that. "Oxy," had me wondering a moment what you meant- then I realized,"Oh, hey, it must be oxygen." Unless I'm wrong about this? It doesn't fit the flow, and it's not shortened to fit any sort of rhyme scheme. I felt as if this restricted the serious nature of the lyric itself.
In general this lyric was okay- and I did like it. It felt a little short to my standards for a lyric-possibly better suited for poetry? But that's your call-one artist can't judge another and my deal is Hip-Hop.
Anyway, Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.