Wasn’t it just night outside?
I can feel the sun.
Somehow I find myself again
splayed on the couch
SVU still muted on the screen.
Every morning starts like this,
in blurred disarray
poached eggs, emails, and memories
of a time when
I could call you on the phone to yell.
So I failed at motherhood.
Tell me something new.
I knew you were an addict but
what could I do
more than berate the grown man I raised?
I’ll never forget that church.
You were in a box,
while a thousand people gathered in
to shed their tears
and hug me, like hugging a cactus.
After the fun’ral I thought
only sleep was safe.
If I stayed on the couch each morning
I wouldn’t feel
that I was no longer a mother.
But long after the Last Day
your Last Day, I mean,
I decided to sit up straight and
meet the new day,
with one foot in front of the other.
I have to keep working now
and doing my hair.
I have to take care of my husband
and to survive,
I have to take care of me, okay?
I am not just living my life for you, Zach.
I am also living it for me.
I’m sorry.
I wake up to survive.
***I plan on entering this piece into a scholarship competition, where the theme is ‘what motivates you to greet the day’ and the poems will be assessed based on (1) Quality, (2) Effort, (3) Creativity, and (4) Content. Any advice or critique would be appreciated! Please be brutal, guys!
Thanks. :)
-mav
©MK
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Well...I liked it. Thought it was okay. Reminded me of a song from the 90ties, Better Than Me. It had a similar story. Thought it was weird that the poem had no rhyming, but it could also be attributed to stylistic purposes. It was very heartfelt, realistic and had quite a personal touch to it. The thing I didn't like (although it might be just me and another person might think differently) is the fact that it was too...direct ? It could have been better if the poem used more metaphors and less direct language, y'know ? Don't be too on the nose, let the reader think about the message. That could help.
The imagery was very strong, but maybe some more adjectives would make for a more gripping read. Thought that the fact that the guy was an addict was (a bit) banal and overused, but again - personal opinion. The thing you could also benefit from is placing yourself in the skin of a mother who has gone through this situation and really think what she thinks, feel what she feels. Really get under her skin. More flashbacks and direct memories could help too. Something from the better days, before he became an addict ?
i wouldn't listen to that other guy he's talking nonsense.
one thing i want to commend you on is the nice 7-5-8-4-9 syllable pattern thing you have goin' on.
maaaaybe make it more emotionally punchy?
i'm not especially good with poetry - prose is my main thing - so that's about the extent of what i can give you, haha.
This review was helpful and encouraging, @Jyva. Thank you for your thoughts, and your time!
-mav
Hi
Well of course the poem is good.The story and the pain of the mother can be seen but a lot is unsaid like how her child is an inspiration which is the main theme of the poem. The poem is merely saying about how is she struggling with her life and pain. The quality can be improved by using little more sophisticated words. The effort is i felt somewhere less. The creativity is impressive but i think it doesn't match with the title. The content must be little more.
Well i think the poem is great but if you want to be in the competitive level i think you need to put a lot more effort. It is good for some casual purpose but it needs to be the best to achieve the competition purpose so please work on it more. The concept is great and i am touched but since we all know that the practice makes a man perfect so go on thinking more about how a mother is surviving her life without her child and how she cannot escape the grief she is surrounded with but as the days are passing by how is she forgiving herself and turning her pains and memories of her beloved child into her strength making her into a great lady and when her last days will come she will be united with her child forever. i think you should show some more emotions over here and should stress on the term 'motivation'.
Your poem is good but I want it to be the best.