Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Sunlight streams through widely drawn curtains
and falls on your face,
exposed between bedsheets.
I sit on the window sill, pressed against the glass,
six stories above
South Eutaw Street.
Your eyes blink twice
beneath long lashed lids.
You close your arms around me
even when I’m not there.
Half empty bottles of green gatorade
and a bitter stained cup of McCafe joe
decorate the night stand
from last night’s done deed.
Forgotten lacy things and all of your clothes
and remnants of candy colored condom wrappers
litter the carpeted hotel floor.
I walk among the wreckage like one treads in the ocean
stripped to the skin, my flaws are unsheltered.
I creep a bit closer and crouch beside the bed
and touch the life force that moves in your neck,
and all at once I’m flooded with how it felt
to be submerged with you
for the very first time,
twenty thousand leagues under a starlit city sky
making waves of our own in a king sized bed
as the ripples drifted slowly
around us.
Mavis Knightley
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hey there! I thought I'd stop by to give you a review.
I really liked how this wasn't super sugar-coated. When it comes to romance and sexual acts, I find that in movies and books, things tend to be a little over the top- everything spic-and-span, everything perfect, etc., etc. And I think that's silly because these kinds of things are messy, and strange- err, not trying to say in a bad way, but it's an odd thing generally. But by sort of including the flaws, it made this piece ten times stronger than the usual "breathtaking/dramatic" vibe people normally go for when describing these kinds of things. You told us the truth- which is one of the best things you can do in writing.
I thought "done deed" was on odd way of saying it in this case. It didn't really flow nicely with everything else around it, and gave a negative vibe about the whole thing- which was a bit odd considering later on in the piece it sounds like the narrator enjoyed the experience. Now, that's not to say that someone can't enjoy that, and also be a little worried/conflicted after (the human mind is a horrifying creature), but I don't know, I just thought it was a bit strange.
I found that I stumbled a bit on "candy coloured" and feel like a dash between the two might make it a little clearer what's being said. Otherwise my brain just goes "candy" and forgets everything else!
Another thing I wanted to bring up, is that I found that this poem leaned a bit more towards the prose side of things. That isn't always bad, and it wasn't really in this either, but I thought it's worth mentioning because sometimes lines did get a bit on the wordy side, and sometimes images weren't particularly poetic? (like the "done deed" bit) And it read more sort of like a story. I'm not exactly sure what to give for advice for this, except perhaps try not to think in linear sentences as much?- though something tells me that's horrible advice! Dx Maybe it's fine after all- but at least you have my odd thoughts on it- perhaps it will help some.
In any case, I thought this was pretty well done! See ya around!
-Holysocks
Dear mavisknightley,
My, my! This is an excellently written poem filled with the words of many brilliant sources of imagery. I love that the deed has "wreckage" and was created in a metaphorical ocean. A brilliant way to describe it.
I also love that you wrote "candy colored" as a description for the condom wrappers. It makes it feel almost immature, and I am not sure if this was your intent, but to me, it seems like it's symbolic of the character's thought of the deed having been sweet, although premature, like perhaps he was not ready, but he cannot deny the irresistible sweetness or even delicacy of it all.
Above all, that description is my favourite.
I think you captured this moment very well, if not perfectly. The one thing I feel the need to ask for is an explanation for the line "You close your arms around me / Even when I'm not there." Is this symbolic as to how his lover might feel about him? Like she is only desperate for love and looked to his arms, but it could have been anyone - she was not specifically looking for him?
- B
Hey there B,
Thanks for your review of this poem! To answer your question: I wrote this based on actual events, so the line "You close your arms around me even when I'm not there" was literal. I was sitting several feet away from where my boyfriend slept; I watched him reach out for me in his sleep and pull inward, the way he would if I were in his arms.
However, the fact that I have to explain that though means I have some revising to do... haha.
Thanks again.
-mav