Hey there! I thought I'd stop by to give you a review.
I really liked how this wasn't super sugar-coated. When it comes to romance and sexual acts, I find that in movies and books, things tend to be a little over the top- everything spic-and-span, everything perfect, etc., etc. And I think that's silly because these kinds of things are messy, and strange- err, not trying to say in a bad way, but it's an odd thing generally. But by sort of including the flaws, it made this piece ten times stronger than the usual "breathtaking/dramatic" vibe people normally go for when describing these kinds of things. You told us the truth- which is one of the best things you can do in writing.
from last night’s done deed.
I thought "done deed" was on odd way of saying it in this case. It didn't really flow nicely with everything else around it, and gave a negative vibe about the whole thing- which was a bit odd considering later on in the piece it sounds like the narrator enjoyed the experience. Now, that's not to say that someone can't enjoy that, and also be a little worried/conflicted after (the human mind is a horrifying creature), but I don't know, I just thought it was a bit strange.
and remnants of candy colored condom wrappers
I found that I stumbled a bit on "candy coloured" and feel like a dash between the two might make it a little clearer what's being said. Otherwise my brain just goes "candy" and forgets everything else!
Another thing I wanted to bring up, is that I found that this poem leaned a bit more towards the prose side of things. That isn't always bad, and it wasn't really in this either, but I thought it's worth mentioning because sometimes lines did get a bit on the wordy side, and sometimes images weren't particularly poetic? (like the "done deed" bit) And it read more sort of like a story. I'm not exactly sure what to give for advice for this, except perhaps try not to think in linear sentences as much?- though something tells me that's horrible advice! Dx Maybe it's fine after all- but at least you have my odd thoughts on it- perhaps it will help some.
In any case, I thought this was pretty well done! See ya around!
-Holysocks
Points: 0
Reviews: 494
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