Young Writers Society

We meet again Mavis! Rose here for a review on another one of your amazing poems

First off I wanna say good luck in the scholarship competition! I also want to address that this is a really unique way to the theme "what motivates you to greet the day". Sending off a sad message can make us appreciate life and the things we have.

I'm going to go through the title then do each stanza and share my opinion. I'm not the best reviewer, but I will try and help.

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The title is great! Tells me what it is about, but maybe you shouldn't put "(Death of a son)" because the title "Mourning's after" sends off the sad vibe you wanted to create.

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Wasn’t it just night outside?
I can feel the sun.
Somehow I find myself again
splayed on the couch,
SVU still muted on the screen.

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I liked this stanza, it is a nice introduction to the poem, also introducing the time of day.

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Every morning starts like this,
in blurred disarray,
Poached eggs, emails, and memories
of a time when
I could call you on the phone to yell.

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In this stanza I wouldn't capitalize "poached" because it threw us off.
Also I would recommend combining the last two lines. putting "of a time when" as it's own line seems a bit confusing and weird. But besides that, good job!

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So I failed at motherhood,
Tell me something new.
I knew that you were an addict but
what could I do,
more than berate the grown man I raised?

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This stanza is strong in my opinion. In the second line, I wouldn't capitalize "tell" since it isn't the beginning of the sentence and I realized you are using grammar throughout this poem. Besides that tiny mistake, it's a good poem.

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The fourth stanza was as good as it was, so I'm not going to review that.

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Even through the worst you shined.
A supernova,
that refused to burst without parting
greatest impact.
Funeral attendance: One thousand.

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This stanza is the one that really threw me off. It was dragged and maybe unneeded in fact, but that's just my opinion. I'm not going to go into much detail besides the fact I didn't like it.

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It occurred to me, I own,
that sleep was just safe.
If I stayed in bed every morning
I wouldn’t feel
that I was no longer a mother.


But long after the Last Day,
I just sat up straight,
put one foot in front of the other,
and met the day.
It’s you that is dead, my son. Not me.


I have to keep cooking food,
and taking deep breaths.
I have to take care of my husband,
and to survive,
I have to take care of me, okay?


I am not just living my life for you, Zach.
I am also living it for myself.

I’m sorry.

I wake up to survive.

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The rest of the poem is amazing. The grammar was nice and it sent a good message. I really liked it in fact, since it is a sad poem, it speaks to the reader and shows how the narrator feels and how she thinks and what she does.

In conclusion, this poem was amazing. Good Job Mavis! Since I am in class it is hard to identify how I truly feel about it but I do love it, besides the little bad mistakes. Hope you follow the little tips used.

I really enjoy reading your poems. Keep up the good work and have a good day! Good luck, hope you win!

This is Kaos here for a review!

Wasn’t it just night outside?
I can feel the sun.
Somehow I find myself again
splayed on the couch,
SVU still muted on the screen.

I liked the concept of the first two lines, but I wanted you to kind of further them. On how it can be the nighttime and suddenly it's morning, I wanted more of that. I personally thought of imagery with a clock constantly beeping and it's like sleeping and you want to sleep for 10 more minutes but you don't sleep for 10 more minutes and you have to wake up.

I also felt as if the first two lines were kind of awkward, as the first line is a question, which is fine, but the second line is "I can feel the sun.", which, I can feel the sun what? It feels a little vague, but it's your choice to keep it or not, because it does deliver as a short and powerful line.

I didn't really know what the last three lines of the stanza had to do with this stanza, but it does set up a more calm or lazy vibe, which could also be seen as melancholic but if that's what you were going for, I didn't really feel it get across to me.

Every morning starts like this,
in blurred disarray,
Poached eggs, emails, and memories
of a time when
I could call you on the phone to yell.

You should consider if you should keep the "like this" as it's just kind of a filler of words that don't need to be there really and the stanza would flow better if you took them.

Use more punctuation or periods, rather, and chop this up. I suggest starting a new line after "memories" or the third line because the thought stops there and a new thought starts to read out. I liked the first three lines, and the last one was fine because it was setting up for the fifth line, but the fifth line is kind of what falls apart. I feel as if there should be more there or it would be better if you didn't really use "yell" and switched it out with something else.

So I failed at motherhood,
Tell me something new.
I knew that you were an addict but
what could I do,
more than berate the grown man I raised?

This is where it started to fall apart for me. The imagery in the last two stanzas wasn't here. The first two lines here worked well with me but the last three just felt kind of stiff and bare-boned. I suggest filling it in with imagery and tell what you want to say in the last three lines in that way instead of saying it so bluntly or straightforward.

You were the favorite cousin
brown haired and handsome,
Who at a wedding managed to find
every auntie
and grandma for a twirl on the floor.

The poem starts to derail from what it was originally doing. It feels sort of separate from what was here before and it would be good if you made the stanzas connect more tightly instead of them feeling like each of their own things that come together for a theme. It goes along with it, but this stanza seems to more come out of nowhere for me, maybe because what you were trying to get across in the last stanza was unclear.

Again with the punctuation, chop the lines up. End the second line with a period and make the third through fifth be a new line. I like the sort of style that you write in or the voice that comes out of you, because of the way you write it's more distinct on how you word or phrase things, which I thought was more of a positive of the poem.

Even through the worst you shined.
A supernova,
that refused to burst without parting
greatest impact.
Funeral attendance: One thousand.

This stanza fell kind of flat for me and I think it was because of the imagery. If you look up how a star goes through its cycle you can use that to your advantage and add that to the poem because it would still be addressing the person from the last stanza and be some more interesting imagery. I'm not saying that it's not now, but that's more of a suggestion, another is to look up things about the stars and make this one of your more vivid stanzas.

It occurred to me, I own,
that sleep was just safe.
If I stayed in bed every morning
I wouldn’t feel
that I was no longer a mother.

The first two lines didn't make sense to me because of how they were worded, and I can't figure out what you're trying to say there. The last three lines of the stanza also were worded a bit more awkwardly because of the "I wouldn't feel" and I don't know if that was intentional. I also suggest adding a comma after line three and line four here.

But long after the Last Day,
I just sat up straight,
put one foot in front of the other,
and met the day.
It’s you that is dead, my son. Not me.

I actually couldn't tell by now if this was from your perspective or from the mother's perspective, and it gets a little confusing because it isn't really clarified but I am now starting to think it was from the mother's perspective, but I'm not /entirely/ sure of that and it could be something you might need to clarify as I went in thinking you would be the narrator.

The stanza starts with a "but" which feels like you're trying to continue a thought but there was nothing before this mentioning the son passing yet, really, so I suggest changing that to something else. I liked the second through fourth lines for the creativity you put into it, put the fifth line felt a little too formal for my liking of it. If you're going to keep it, add a comma after "son" and have the line go on and end after "not me".

I have to keep cooking food,
and taking deep breaths.
I have to take care of my husband,
and to survive,
I have to take care of me, okay?


I am not just living my life for you, Zach.
I am also living it for myself.

I’m sorry.

I wake up to survive.

Clumping this together. I thought these last two stanzas felt more letter-like which I don't know if that was intended but I also thought that you could have done something with the imagery of waking up in the morning or not wanting to get up but having to move along. It felt repetitive with all the "I" in these two stanzas for me and I thought you could start one or two lines with something else.

I hope I helped and have a great day, I hope that the mother, and /you/, will be able to heal and get better from this, so I wish you well. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.