Secrets are not dirty.
They are the purest form of love.
We cower and remember
How the butter knife spreads.
~
I spoon out deception conserve
And savour every drop of
Liemonade. How ironic that
The truth is what hurts most.
~
Dirty little secrets caged by brackets.
Hiding the lies and love and laughs
Of life between dashes.
Hiding years of experience in periods.
~
I was born to be Pinocchio
And you Rumpelstiltskin.
No more sacrilegious lies though
Purify yourself of sin.
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139,685 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Hi there, Ellie-Mae here for a quick review!
I’ll give honest feedback, but nothing at all is intended to hurt or discourage you in any way at all! <3 So, without waiting any longer, let’s get right into it and digest the spectabulous piece of literary work!
Wishing you a happy day/evening/morning/night/whatever is applicable to your part of the world! First off, please remember that my reviews are my own opinions
im in love
my favourite part is the reference to Pinocchio and rumpelstiltskin at the end.
I was born to be Pinocchio
and you are rumpelstilltskin.
no more sacrilegious lies though
purify yourself of sin.
as well, in the first stanza the way you say "how the butter knife spreads" is just beautiful:)
Ellie-Mae
Hello lukekazey! Incoming review!
I love the opening of your poem but the line "How the butter knife spreads," just doesn't really sound that nice. And I don't think it fits well with what's said earlier. But secrets are really beautiful when you are telling them to someone you love.I don't have any opening words, so I'll get on with the review.
I'll review stanza by stanza.
Im confused as to what liemonade is. It is a lemonade made of lies? And the first line is a deviation of what was said in the first stanza. And I also thought "The truth is what hurts most," is a little cliché. Sorry about this stanza I just had to point these things out.
I live the metaphor of the lies being in brackets. Its like you didn't read the fine print and you're the one suffering because you didn't. Don't have much else to say about this stanza.
I don't know much about Rumpelstiltskin but in the reviews of others they seem to really like it so I commend you for that part. But I really liked the line, "sacrilegious lies though" but I am also confused as to the use of the word though. It could have very well been a mistake with the English language having so many variations of basically the same word.
But thats all I have for today. I hope you found some of this useful. Keep on writing my dude, you're good at it. Anyway byeeeeeeeee
Hi, review requested and review delivered! Hi. Hi....Hi.
Synopsis: I'm actually not sure in this one. It's about lying/secrets that are jam, but also writing, and the narrator is done with the lies.
Stanza by Stanza:
First: I was reading this one with a beat. Like a cheerleader beat. It's got a lot of hard stops (hard c's, t's, r's). Harsh sounds. But the last line breaks it with the soft sounds in "knife" and "spreads" (fuh and duhs)
Second: I just want to drag some of your line breaks down a bit. just that "of" in "And savour every drop of" to emphasis the consumption in that line. Like its a sticky, licking, eating line, and it sounds so malicious and violent, ya know? But with the "of" at the end you loose emphasis on that image and instead emphasize "Liemonade" because you're leading to it with the of. And similarly with the "that" in "Liemonade. How ironic that" Ironic is such a strong chastizing word that I really want to get the that down a line to keep it from distracting from "How Ironic"
Third: This ones weird because the first two lines are setting up this extended metaphor about food and lies which you're dropping for a completely unrelated image of typing.
Fourth: How are you Pinocchio, if you’re spooning out deception? I know he lies, but he's known for being easily caught. And deception is always a subtle uncaught lie. Also the last line is maybe even comically serious for this poem. Like you have puns and jam and pinocchio and then it goes to "purify yourself of sin" which is so serious that I can't take it seriously when the lead up is so whimsical.
Usually I have closing thoughts, but I'm not sure I have a good enough grasp of the poem and the image you're trying to get across to wrap it up in a neat bow. There's a lot of images and conflicting tones and rhythms, that I'll just end up saying "write this poem" which I don't want to do because this is your poem. My suggestion would be to simplify and pare down your metaphors and images and figure out what tone will work best with your message.
Thank you again. I honestly love your analyses. As I mentioned below, this poem was very much a kind of %u201Cwrite words and see what comes out%u201D kinda poem, hence it wasn%u2019t cohesive, so your suggestions should hopefully change that. But thanks again, so much for all three reviews!
Okay, first,
well... that is quite a line.
To be honest I didn't know whether to take the poem seriously or not - part of me wondered if it was sort of intended to be satirical or even anti-poetry.
The voice/speaker in the poem came off as intense, but almost humorously so - they're really "laying on the drama thick" and yet they give the reader no context with which to place the drama so it seems manufactured and fake.
Like your last poem, I think you've got some interesting threads here, but give the reader a little more to connect to so that we have something to put the emotion on.
For instance I could write a concise poem with just emotion:
"Sad,
Fire anger,
Guilt dripping,
REMORSE!"
and it seems laughable, because the audience is left out of the context.
Or you could put the speaker;
"I am sad,
but it's turning to fire anger
because the guilt still drips
off your actions
time for you to feel
REMORSE"
and it gives the audience something to chew on - somewhere to place the stray thoughts.
You don't need to spell it all out, but I do think being more specific will help you out.
I liked the literature references to Pinocchio and Rumpelstilskin, but it didn't seem like you did anything with them - they're great references, so maybe try to expand them a bit.
I thought the "limeade" part was intriguing, but there wasn't enough here to make me any more than intrigued. Also if I interpreted the poem wrong, and if rather than intense, you wanted to portray outrageousness - I think you could turn up the notch a little and push the poetic envelope a bit more. If you're going to go loopy, commit to it.
Keep on writing!
~alliyah
Thank you so much. Honestly, I have very little idea of my intention in this poem. It was one of those poems I wrote when I kind of had writers block, and so I was more writing words for words sake. Which is not to excuse the fact that it needs work, at all. But yeah, thank you!
Ah gotchya, and don't worry - I do the same thing! And you've got some neat images here anyways!
This is making me smile. The last part........the best!!!!!
Thank yooouu!
First of all, I would like to say, I really like the line that says "I was born to be Pinocchio And you Rumpelstiltskin. No more dirty little secrets though Purify yourself of sin." To be really good at something is really hard. To stand out from the crowd is almost impossible. But you have done both of these things. You are amazing through your writings. Keep up the good work!!! Anyways, Happy writings! 'Tato out...
Thanks!