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downpour

by lukekazey


freedom pounds down on the pavement

soaking into the skin of passers-by
as they hurry to the office, to school.

it settles in puddles,
neglected,
by the roadside.
It spits and hisses
like a domestic cat turned feral.

far to the west,
fat droplets of freedom
fall into the sea,
creating mini tsunamis of liberty.

waves crash comfortingly
on the cliff-face below.
they seek to erode and destroy.

slowly, land is worn away,
and society tumbles into
an ocean of freedom. 


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Thu Jan 17, 2019 1:31 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! How about a review?

So this was an interesting read! Some of the images definitely made me think! And I defintely like the sort of dark-ish theme/feel of this poem. It feels very edgy- but like a good edgy.

freedom pounds down on the pavement


One thing I noticed, was that some of the lines- specifically in the very beginning of the poem, were a tad wordy. In poetry, less often equals more. Saying things firmly usually has a stronger impact on the reader. A simply fix for this is just reading your work and seeing if there's any words that you can take out, with the basic meaning of the line still being portrayed. So for example, the line above still works quite well when "down" is taken out! And you might be thinking "but it's just one word!!" and you're right, but that all adds up and can make it so lines and paragraphs aren't as strong as they could be! In poetry, every word has to count! c:

soaking into the skin of passers-by
as they hurry to the office, to school.


Here is another example of some lines that have some words that aren't necessarily needed. The second line I think would work a little better if it was said more like "as they hurry to their destinations" or something along those lines, in a more general sense. The reason I think this would work a little better is because when I first read it I thought it was saying that they were heading to the office, at the school. But also, there's quite a few extra words there when there could be a lot less that says the same thing. Don't worry, we ALL usually have extra words in our writing that aren't necessarily needed! I'm like the queen of wordiness XP :D

and society tumbles into
an ocean of freedom.


Something I found really interesting about this poem, and a little confusing, is that it's portraying freedom as almost a bad thing? Like there's a lot of sort of negative imagery that's conveying freedom coming into place. Like falling, spitting, hissing, pounding- those aren't normally words I'd use to convey freedom! I found it confusing because the image that was being painted didn't mesh with the story that was being told, if that makes sense. Like someone saying they're happy, while they have a huge frown on their face. But it was also incredibly interesting? And I think for the very same reason that it was confusing, it's interesting because freedom isn't usually talked about this way! Which is kind of why I love poetry- it gets you to think of different perspectives and tells you the other side of the story. Or, makes things a little less glamorous than they're often made out to seem.

In any case, I hope to see more from you in the future! Keep it up! c:

-Holysocks




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Thu Jan 17, 2019 1:14 am
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manilla wrote a review...



Hi, manilla here for a review!

This was a really well-thought out poem, with beautiful symbolism and imagery that fall hand in hand. Water is the common theme in each of these stanzas, water in life, and maybe the water in you. Some words that stood out from me from this theme were "freedom" and "liberty".

When I noticed the "politics" tag, however, I think these droplets are indeed people rising up because they want the world to change. As they gather in more and more amounts, they do make an impact.

The punctuation is a little inconsistent in some places - I get why you chose to do what you did, but keep it consistent.

waves crash comfortingly


I don't understand why you used "comfortingly", especially what comes next in the stanzas.

and society tumbles into
an ocean of freedom.


But wouldn't the ocean of freedom tumble onto society?

soaking into the skin of passers-by
as they hurry to the office, to school.


Would this be like real news, trying to reach people, before people turn it fake?

In this piece, there is so much strong symbolism game and I'm looking forward to more things you have to write about politics. Regardless of your stances, the meanings are universal.

That's all from me!
-Manilla out

(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem rude or unhelpful. That was not my intention.)




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Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:31 pm
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eeh03 wrote a review...



This is beautiful. The imagery is lovely and very affective. I especially like the alliteration of 'f' at the beginning of the first 3 lines of the 3rd/4th stanza, it, for me creates a sense of structure in a poem that is fairly unstructured, about a concept that can be seen as both. I also like how the stanzas size differs, growing and then eroding, like the final stanza alludes to. The lack of capitalisation is also affective, both aesthetically and creates a disregard of societal norms. I would love to hear the inspiration of the poem, if you like, but really, it is beautiful. I have no criticism, maybe in another poem you could explore an imagery motif, but this surely doesn't need one. Your voice is beautiful and I can't wait to read more of your work!





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