Letters from an Unknown Writer

Finally got to read this gem! I tend to procrastinate these things but let me break down my thoughts on this one!

First read was a little confusing for me, but your use of imagery is great even without understanding the deeper meaning. You really do a great job bringing the reader into the room with the character and by the first stanza your narrative direction is introduced. You leave some mystery in in the poem in the form of unanswered questions, like periwinkle droplets from above? Im still not sure what it could mean even after rereading but the image sticks with me. At first i thought it could be tears, or a leaky ceiling to symbolise a sort of brokeness in the home. If its the latter then damn thats beautiful, dont change a word. You could maybe lose "liquid" and keep the same effect, unless its significant.

Great planes of flesh is another phrase that adds intrigue and mystery, im not sure what it could mean, maybe its the boys parents, but you go on to expand and use amazing imagery to bring depth to an otherwise confusing line that would have been tricky on its own.

The third stanza here is really my favorite, using descriptive words to convey emotion without pointing it out directly. Cilia is so strange but so specific i love that its included, you even had me doing a google search. And i love love love the phrase "cilia tremble to remember that scent" when it couldve juet been a much simpler and direct phrase, like "trying to remember" or "smell of an old memory"

In my mind i think the third stanza could be expanded if you take even more time to explain this beautifully imagined experience. You could use words like hippocampus and olfactory nerves to add flavor to overspecific words like cilia and foetus, and add dimension to the concept of trying to remember something/someone. Also, did u mean to say fetus? I wasnt sure if it was a typo or intentional. I also think tastebuds and tongue could be substituted, in such a short poem you should find every opening for power words and (imo) tongue and tastebuds illustrate very similar things. Its not a flaw necessarily as it i mean that its an oppurtunity. I assumed the salt means tears, and it ties in nicely to the concept of droplets already introduced.

The ending ties together nicely, though to me it wasnt quite obvious that the birthday card is from someone who passed away until i read the comments. You could keep it non apparent if youd like but if its meant to connects the dots then I'd suggest addint to the last or second last stanze, expanding on the forbidden document (why its forbidden, why its being opened, or even other words in the cars or how the character feels about them). Its clear that its significant because 1. Its saved for the end and 2. Its "forbidden" but the why is not present, which could be a creative decision for sure. Explain it, however, and you risk harming the concise and somewhat murky tone that makes your poem really memorable.

I like to do a quick list of diction and what words could maybe be improved or holding you back.

Duvet is a really strong for your opening line, same with creases. I think touch is very striaghtforward, while it could be pressure or strain etc, to specify the emotion of the chracter. The only other verbs used by the character are "shrivel" and "splay" which are emotional words perfectly capturing his intent, to me touch just doesnt keep up. Not to mention its used again later in the poem and i think it has a better place in the following stanze.

Althougb seep slowly is great alliteration, i think one word in this line is lacking thought im not sure which. matress could be different possibly? It pairs nicely with rusted springs and duvet, however with both of those you can get the word mattress (maybe sheet, to keep the alliteration!) without you including it, leaving that word open to put a word that better illustrated your purpose here. Its not quite redundant but if you had any more related words like bed related id say get rid of it.

Periwinkle- yes! Specific! Confusing!

Dried out and shrivel are friends but again are doing the same thing with eachother, could change one and keep the same intent



"Chemical ocean of abnormality" this line is a banger, its so descriptive. Dont change a thing.


Thats what i got for ya mate, keep them coming!

This is a really good poem! It's somewhat unclear what is happening here, but the consistent stream of language and imagery is very well thought out, and the ending with "happy birthday, love dad", really makes it seem eerie. The one thing that seemed to stick out a little bit was the line where you said "Dried out, it shrivels into foetus position". It's the "foetus position" part that doesn't really fit that well to me. Maybe consider changing the image? Just a thought.
Anyway this was really interesting and I liked it!

Hey!

First off, welcome to YWS! I love your writing style, and I think you are super talented! I was able to follow along with the whole poem until the very end. I have no idea what the connection to the last stanza is. Maybe I just need it dumbed down for me, but like At first I thought someone had died or was dying, and then it's all happy birthday. I'm a little confused, but i don't think it's the poems fault, lol, just mine.

Anywho, thanks for the great read, I'm excited to see more work from you, and if you ever need anything let me know,
Rascalover

This is so sweet. I love made this

This is so sweet. I love made this

Hello!
Sorry that it is late, but Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here. I am going to jump right into this review!
First off,
This is a really neat poem! I love the mystery, the feeling, the description! I don't really have any suggestions to make, as I don't see anything wrong with this poem! My favorite part is this:

"Unclenched, the fingers splay
to reveal that forbidden document."

Keep up the good work!