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by lukekazey

that moment i catch a glimpse of

your auburn hair in the october sunlight

i am hungry.

i yearn for pleasures not to be.

ones that i have felt before

and do not have the privilege

to feel again.

there is a hunger in my eyes,

not the type that consumes

or ravages but the type

that savours each sweet taste.

i want to swill you round my mouth,

gargle you, suck you in through my teeth

and push you out with my tongue.

satiate me. quench me.

but you cant.

so i will sit here.

resign myself to hungering,

thirsting, for something

ill never taste again.

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Points: 275
Reviews: 6

Mon Oct 04, 2021 9:48 pm
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snorfus wrote a review...

Okay okay, i saw this on here a while ago and almost reviewed it, and decided not to, and ill tell you why later in the review. I didnt realize it was from you or that id be invited to review it later so its a pleasant surprise. I had some things to say that i didnt feel like saying but now that i know your work better i hope you will allow me to tear it apart!

I want to be able to lidt everything i think can be improved without affecting your trust in your writers intuition so; ill say here now that obviously all my reccomondations are always personal preference, take it with a grain of salt and dont change anything you feel is essential to your message or your composition. Thats not my problem so i get to nitpick freely!

First of all, youre a horny mofo and i love the desperation in this, Im definitely here for the sexual frustration here. My first critique is that the message may be over conveyed. I want to combine so many lines in this! "When i catch a glimpse of you it makes me hungry" is later echoed by "hunger in my eyes". Hear me out, what if they were the same line? Maybe by saying "the sight of you (red hair, october sunlight) brings hunger to my eyes" or something.

My next suggestion to me is a no brainer! Switch the front and the back of the second line. Aesthetically, i would rather see the sunlight IN the red hair than red hair IN the sunlight. Also, october sunlight is a great image to include im a fan.

2 things about "I yearn for pleasures". Its just so direct. You can stop reading on this line and know where the poem is gonna go. Dont let them know your next move so soon! And 2. It clashes somewhat by starting two lines with I consecutively, when your poem has less to do with "I" and more to do with your pretty redhead friend. What about making it about "you"? "You reek of pleasure" "you ruin my resolve" "you make me..." Etc.

I love the personification of the hunger. Not only do you specifcy what it feels like, you illustrate what it does. This is where your poem is the best i feel, here where you introduce hunger as a character. Id love to see more of that.

You hit on alot of reallt good words in this part. Consumes, ravages. They are really strong and destructive, which is often how it feels when missing someone, yet you make a decision to point out that its not the feeling youre having, and instead use a gentler set of words to describe it. Not a critisism, just an acknowledgement!

You commit to it in the next stanza, and choose from a completely different pallette of words than what i wouldve expected. I think this is where i run into an uneasy feeling, some of the words together made me a little uncomfortable, even though i can feel what is being illustrated. Im here to keep it real and i hope you dont want me to sugarcoat it, so let me suggest a few changes for you.

You know how moist is like a word that alot of people dont want to hear? This next sequence has several words like that, and all together it left me feeling pretty uneasy. Swill suck gargle. Youre only allowed to keep one(and it cant be gargle)! The rest have got to go! I think an issue i have with it is the change from "hunger" which implies, like, eating solid food to your allegory being quite liquid with the way you illustrate it. Example: For me, ive always had this weird assosiation between horniness and cannibalism? (im a biter) theres a place for that here, especially with the motif of hunger. You use teeth but its not for what you firdt assume teeth would be included for, in the line its only something that can be done with liquid. I dont wanna imagine you drinking a person you lust for as much as i wanna imagine you taking a bite out of them. You use tongue, teeth, mouth, taste, all in proximity, and theres a place for them all but it does feel like a bit much. Maybe lips can be on standby if you wanted to use a words thats a little softer and more romantic, to juxtapose and balance the grittiness of the main illustration of the hunger / devouring metaphor the poem seems to be focused on. And maybe taste can be on stand by too, it may have a place in this sequence, though its also in the last line so be careful to either take it out or not have them clash.

I like the poem alot, i like where its coming from and you really had me relating. You be careful with the redheads, a very dangerous and freaky people.. I been there! Unfortunately.
I would say tweak some of the word choice and the repitition and you will have a really emotional poem that illustrates one of the most powerful feelings we can have, which is really really hard to do and rare to attempt! So kudos to ya !

Thats all i got mate, keep them coming!!

lukekazey says...

Thank you so much!! This is exactly what I needed, someone to rip this apart. I wrote this about a month after a breakup so I was feeling a lot of feels and wanted them out in paper, but when I'm writing like that I struggle to be self-critical, so thank you sm!!

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38 Reviews

Points: 2093
Reviews: 38

Sun Sep 19, 2021 9:51 pm
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HikariHateke wrote a review...

Hello, Hikari here with a review!

To begin with I love the title of your work it goes well with the vibe and overall theme of your poem.

Secondly I love where the spaces are in the lines its not too long or short even if some are shorter then others it still feels natural and I love all the metaphors!

This reads like someone who broke up and now regrets it (I hope your doing ok op)

At least that's what i think, its a nice poem, kudos! ❤

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79 Reviews

Points: 1701
Reviews: 79

Sun Sep 19, 2021 9:11 pm
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AilahEvelynMae wrote a review...

Hi there friend! Ellie here for a super quick review.

Overall I absolutely loved how descriptive you were in this poem. You were able to convey the realness of the scene through your words. You have such a talent in being descriptive friend using imagery. Thank you for sharing!

I really loved your attention to detail, such as colors. It’s really adds a lot to the story it makes us feel like we’re actually there Or hat we have seen this before.

I loved it thanks for sharing I look forward to reading more of your work.
Ellie <3

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281 Reviews

Points: 1576
Reviews: 281

Sun Sep 19, 2021 6:26 am
silented1 says...

Incredible angst sex bitterness. Love it.

You poem worked in maining theme throughout and did a good job of describing your mood and style.

Your use of extended metaphor is great too. It worked beautifully because you stayed on message. The only change I would make is making auburn hair in October into some fruit or something because it fits better. Or adding a stylistic flair about October. =)
Also, think about getting into the realm of metaphor because you have it with in October but it recedes and doesn't become part of the poem as a whole. So, try picking up the other side of your extended metaphor.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
— Winston Churchill