Young Writers Society

This made me cry the first time I read it. You did a really good job on this piece! I loved how your writing created a picture in my head, especially when you say, "I'll show you how they embrace the darkness, how they are at once apart and together." I don't have a lot to say... But I do think a way to spice up your piece, maybe add some personification. You know, like to add some imagery, but you already added imagery, so it is definitely not necessary in your simple, yet exotic writing style. Anyways, that's really all I have for you! I hope to read more of your pieces soon! Happy Writings, and Great Job!! 'Tato out...

I liked this. It made me feel things.
Okay, but really, I loved the imagery and the persistent metaphor of the stars. I think that it was a great choice to illustrate the dream of a simple life in a way that wasn't over-dramatic.

I also loved how poignant the fourth verse is. Using the stars to illustrate a relationship like that was sweet and simple and impactful. That was my favorite part of the poem.

I also loved the repetition of the opening and closing lines. It made the poem feel completed.

Nice job!!

Hello lukekazey!!


I loved this short piece, simple and sweet. Coming on every bit one by one. First of all, I loved the whole overall theme, the structure of the poem that emanates from a question that a lover asks his/her partner. I assume that the narrator/ lover is a male, apologies if I am mistaken. But I love the way he connects the stars and the adjoining spectacle with his own dreams, ambition or his own vision for the future.


I’ll show you how they gleam in a sea of black,
how I gaze up at them and just dream.
Dream of a wife and four kids,
of suburban simplicity.

The imagination of sky as a black ocean is a little cliched, but still lovely enough to begin with. I am personally in love with such imageries.

I’ll show you how they brighten this orb,
how their light travels miles to reach us.
Reach us and fill us with hope,
with hope and love and life.

I guess this paragraph had a little more scope than some little rudimentary and cliched metaphors like light representing hope, love and life. Although I still loved the imagery of earth as orb.

I’ll show you how they embrace the darkness,
how they are at once apart and together.
Together like us on this crisp winter day,
apart like us when I kiss goodbye.
~

This paragraph seemed to have some forced description, when the narrator compares the celestial movement of star with the routine meeting or hook-up with his lover. This could have been more graciously and elegantly framed. However, I am in love with the imagery of a starry night in winter with the lover beside, gazing in a black ocean of bright stars.

What will you do?
I’ll give you my heart.

Absolutely in love with this!!The poem ends very strongly, with the original theme from where it begun, reciprocating coherently. I love the way it's structured overall. And the theme of the poem is again beautiful to its core.

Feel free to reply!!

Hello lukekazey!!


I loved this short piece, simple and sweet. Coming on every bit one by one. First of all, I loved the whole overall theme, the structure of the poem that emanates from a question that a lover asks his/her partner. I assume that the narrator/ lover is a male, apologies if I am mistaken. But I love the way he connects the stars and the adjoining spectacle with his own dreams, ambition or his own vision for the future.


I’ll show you how they gleam in a sea of black,
how I gaze up at them and just dream.
Dream of a wife and four kids,
of suburban simplicity.

The imagination of sky as a black ocean is a little cliched, but still lovely enough to begin with. I am personally in love with such imageries.

I’ll show you how they brighten this orb,
how their light travels miles to reach us.
Reach us and fill us with hope,
with hope and love and life.

I guess this paragraph had a little more scope than some little rudimentary and cliched metaphors like light representing hope, love and life. Although I still loved the imagery of earth as orb.

I’ll show you how they embrace the darkness,
how they are at once apart and together.
Together like us on this crisp winter day,
apart like us when I kiss goodbye.
~

This paragraph seemed to have some forced description, when the narrator compares the celestial movement of star with the routine meeting or hook-up with his lover. This could have been more graciously and elegantly framed. However, I am in love with the imagery of a starry night in winter with the lover beside, gazing in a black ocean of bright stars.

What will you do?
I’ll give you my heart.

Absolutely in love with this!!The poem ends very strongly, with the original theme from where it begun, reciprocating coherently. I love the way it's structured overall. And the theme of the poem is again beautiful to its core.

Feel free to reply!!

Hi lukekazey! Cat here for a review c:

I really love the simplicity and calm beauty of the piece. It's quite cute c:

Some of your thoughts are a little scattered, in my opinion. They do all lead to the same main idea, but they are a little jumbled and not organised to their full potential.

Your words work perfectly throughout this poem. Nothing felt to fancy or plain. Some descriptions felt a little bit cliche or forced, but for the most part everything worked nicely.

I wish it were longer! There is so much more you can do with this start c: Maybe more detailed/expanded thoughts and descriptions would be even prettier.

A few little things; you have your first sentence italicized, making me think it's a question towards the speaker of the poem, but then the last stanza is almost the same but you didn't mirror the italics like I thought you would. I know it's a nit-picky thing, but little visual things can change your poem flow and feel a lot more than you may first think.

If I think stanza by stanza, (skipping the two-sentence first stanza) the second stanza is nice, but the 'dream' part feels kind weird and way different from the feel of the rest of the stanza. Third; ord is a weird word, I just like planet or Earth better. But also we're jumping back to the stars after you were just talking about having a family. It throws me off a tad. And for the fourth (again skipping the final for the two-sentence thing) is kinda okay at tying the family thing and the stars together, but it's not quite there yet c:

Overall, this was beautifully simple and I really enjoyed it. Keep writing! c:

~Cat =^-^=

Absolutely beautiful! I love how it is divided, and how it all comes back to "What will you do?"

The imagery was great, and I could definitely feel the love the two feel towards each other. I have always been more of a star gazer, so this definitely struck home. The pacing, the descriptions, the way the beauty of the stars is conveyed through the lover sharing their passion... It is all very beautiful. The light and dark comparisons definitely help, and I'm always a sucker for when writers incorporate alliteration, like "suburban simplicity".

This is very well-written. I really enjoyed the pace, the verbiage, the topic. It really feels romantic, in a cosmic way. One thing that startled me was the "wife and four kids" line, but you do you. I have nothing else to say about it other than you did a really good job.

I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! Hearted!!!!!!!

I love how every sentence was full of emotion and it really showed how the lover felt. You can see that he or she was just so out there for the person he or she loved. I really loved how it was constructed and what it was based upon.

The one thing that I would give advice to you is that you were really outgoing in the beginning, but I think that if you would have just put more in the end, that would have been nice, and on the one section that said...

Reach us and fill us with hope,
with hope and love and life


That part, I don't think that you really needed to put "hope" more than once. It was really sweet, but maybe you could've switched it with something else.
Other than that, I really loved it and just keep on improving your writing and just keep doing it.