E - Everyone

Chapter 4 of Princess of the Sea

by lelu

Wintress banged her fist down on the large table, lined with dignitaries from her own land and others. "I refuse to tolerate this any longer. Astrakhan is growing stronger. If we grow any more lax, it will take all it wants. You know of their behavior last night. You know the Astrakhaners should not have this bad government, and you know they do. Interfering in the affairs of other countries has never been our policy, but this time we have no choice. What it needs is a new government, and we can't give it that. However, we can starve the old, until, hopefully, the agreeable new emerges from the ashes like the phoenix."

"What are you proposing?" an older nobleman with sideburns like mutton chops said, bushy brows furrowed.

Wintress took a deep breath. "I am proposing we do everything we can to keep Astrakhan within its borders. Buy not, sell not, keep them from setting foot across the boundary line. We do not enter Astrakhan, and we send them a strongly worded message, which will say that we will not be moved until they agree to our terms."

"Which are?" a tallow-faced, dark-haired fellow who looked like a stick of string cheese, whose name was Gerald Weigh, said.

"One, that they stop the slave trade, or at least stop giving them to us. Two, that they repeal those ridiculous misogynist laws. Three, that they appoint new officials in every post in government, including..." Wintress steadied herself and hoped no one saw how nervous she was... "the Kadif."

The sixty-year-old man with the sideburns rolled his eyes. "And what will the Kadif have to say about this?"

Weigh ran his hand through his hair and nodded, agreeing. "We can't risk open war. If they fight us--"

"If they fight all of us together, we shall prevail." Wintress' voice was firm. "But it must not come to open war. It would leave Astrakhan in even worse shape than it is. There are people in Astrakhan who already have plans for a new regime. One great order, ready to rise in place of the old. They call themselves the Phoenix."

"What about the neighboring countries? Some are loyal to the Kadif."

"And most have been estranged by his audacious behavior. His few allies will desert him if we stand together. The estranged ones will help separate them as well." She paused, standing tall, trying to give the impression of the trustworthy young queen, regal and stately. "Ladies and gentlemen, I vote we put the Kadif in the corner like the naughty child he is."

Silence in the ranks, except for Weigh (a sickly fellow) coughing into his sleeve.

"Seconded," said King Day of Swardset.

"Seconded," said King Moran of Rhiannon.

The motion was carried unanimously, and they began to plan.

Clocks struck one, all over the palace and all over Sentrynyl, as Corwin and Silira left the small inn where they'd gone to get lunch an hour ago.

"I still can't believe you can't taste a thing," Corwin said. "Your tongue is really not working?"

Silira nodded, smiling at his amusing concern for this small thing. Well, not really very small. She'd been able to eat, but not to taste, her bread, her fish baked in butter, or her wafflet, an Eleschic dessert that consisted of a small waffle filled with fruit jelly. Her attention was distracted by a man in black across the street, gazing at her and Corwin over a meat sandwich. She tapped Corwin lightly on the shoulder, then nodded at the man in black, eyebrows lowered slightly, as if to say, Who is he?

Colin looked, then seemed to recognize the man, nodding slightly. "One of my guards." She raised her eyebrows and nodded toward him, as if to say, "Yours, but not mine?"

He laughed and looked back at her. "People might want to kill me, for the very reasonable reason that I am a prince. However, no one knows who you are, and therefore won't kill you. And I'm in no danger. No one's tried to kill me since I was five."

She gasped, but silently. He reassured her that he hadn't even known about the attack because his mother had distracted him, and so their conversation went on, such as it was. She learned a good deal about him, but he learned very little about her, for obvious reasons. At one point, a few hours later, he said, "Am I monopolizing the conversation?"

She doubled over, laughing silently. He sighed and flopped back in his chair. "And you even laugh silently. I wish I could hear your voice. But am I?"

She shook her head, and then the chorus of bells began again. They were all timed relatively well, ringing at nearly the same seconds, four times from the clock tower and each church. Silira started and looked up at the clocks, noticing as she did that the sky was turning pink and gold, red at the horizon. "Four o'clock!" Corwin shouted, jumping up from the table just outside the inn. "We have to meet Fred in the square! When, you ask? Half an hour ago, that's when! RUN!!!"

They bolted out of the square, empty plates left on the table, shoes banging on the stone street like the beating of a drum. Silira tried to ignore, but couldn't, the pain in her feet, and focused on the sunset, which she could glimpse between buildings and trees, blazing red across the sea, and Corwin next to her panting with the effort of running up the hill they were now ascending. "Gah..." he muttered, as the street leveled out again and they shot into the square, "...Could you slow down? Possibly? You're like the fastest person I've ever known...Silent..."

Fred jumped down from the carriage. "Your Highn...uh, Stupidity!" he cried. "What kept you, sire--uh, sir?"

"Why don't you just keep calling me Your Stupidity?" Corwin said, breathing hard and stopping outside the carriage. Silira pulled up beside him, not having even broken a sweat. "I forgot what time we had to show up at. Silent is an engaging conversationalist, despite being unable to speak...and I succumbed to her charms..." He glanced over at her, and she looked at him indignantly, slapping him on the chest. "Ow!" he said, stumbling backward and nearly falling over. "What..." She slapped the side of the carriage, then pointed to another one across the square that a tall lady in red silk was getting into, then to another one going by with a bunch of yelling kids in it. Then she pointed back to him, raising her eyebrows again. He looked perplexed for a second, then sighed, came forward, and banged his head on the side of the carriage. "Fred, you may call me Your Stupidity for as long as you like."

"What?" the driver said, climbing back up to his seat.

"I could have called a cab!" Corwin said, opening the door for Silira, who entered the carriage with an air of injured dignity and sat down with a silent huff, straightening her skirt and thinking how annoying it was to need clothes to be modest. Fred laughed and said, "Well, Your Stupidity--"

"No more of that. I'm tired of it already." Corwin leaned out the window and looked at Fred. "Well?"

Fred sat back and told the horses to start. He spoke, smirking, without looking back at His Stupidity, Prince Corwin of Eleschi.

"It would seem that Lady Silent has a good deal of influence over you."

And this, it would seem, Lady Silent reflected as she looked out the carriage window at the sea reflecting the sunset, was absolutely right.

Back at the palace, Henry ran down the steps to meet them. "Ho, brother! Hast returned from thy errand?"

"I hast," Colin said, jumping out of the carriage and running around the side to help Silira down (who needed it more than he thought). "It went quite well, and I apologize for my lateness. Is Mother going to kill me?"

"Nay, chuck, but 'tis veriest truth that she doth wish thee to attend the meeting tomorrow to organize the thing about Astrakhan."

"Has it gone through?"

"Aye, forsooth, by a unanimous vote. A hit, a very palpable hit, upon the Astrakhani slave trade. And what of the fair Silent?"

"Oh, she has gained a new title from Fred," Corwin said as they went up the steps and Fred and the carriage headed for the stables. "Lady Silent. And she might as well keep it, just to throw off suspicion if anyone doubts her nobility."

"Her nobility?" Henry said, looking sidelong at Silira.

"Do you doubt it?" Corwin said, now seeming defensive.

"No, I do not," Henry said, banging on the large double doors. "Marge! Marjoram! Open up, it's us!"

Silira looked sidelong at Corwin, surprised that he had called her noble, this girl who had shown up on his doorstep and expected to be helped, but he didn't see her. He went briskly into the palace, calling, "Mother? Mother, I'm back!"

Comments & reviews · 3
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mellifera
Review

Hello lelu, and happy Review day!

Keep in mind while you read my review that I haven't read the previous chapters, so I apologise if I missed information I would have had if I read them.

-There is sort of an abrupt leap between the meeting, and Corwin and Silira. I had to read it a couple times to figure out what had happened. I would try to space that out more, or make some indication of the switch.

Colin looked, then seemed to recognise the man


Is this meant to be Corwin?

Half an hour ago, that's when! RUN!!!


The last two exclamation marks are unnecessary here.

-Forgive me is I missed something, but I was a little confused here - Corwin and Silira leave the inn, and the next time you describe what they're doing, they're sitting down. When did they sit down? I know you clarify this later when the clock strike four, when they 'jump up from the table just outside the inn', but I would but this in before to avoid confusion.

-I'm just curious: why did you put Silira's first silent question (Who is he?) in italics, but her next one in quotation ("Yours, but not mine?")? I would keep that more consistent (doing both in italics or both in the quotations marks) to make your intention clear.

He spoke, smirking, without looking back at His Stupidity, Prince Corwin of Eleschi.


To me, this seems unnecessary. I'm assuming that readers already know who Corwin is, so the use of his title seems too excessive, instead of just putting 'without look back at Corwin' or 'without looking back at them'.

-It's incredibly hard to find books with a mute protagonist, and I think it's really awesome that you've gone ahead and written one in. You don't make it a selling point, it's just a part of who Silira is, and I really like how you've done that.


Overall, good job! Your writing is clear and easy to read, your grammar looks to me as though it's mostly good (though I would always do checks, just to make sure), and you've got an interesting story line!

I hope this review was helpful to you! Keep up the good work, and have a lovely day :D
-scribbles

Thanks so much!

Random avatar
LadyOkra
Review

All the below stated suggestions are solely a personal preference. Some of it may appear fair to you and some of it may not.

Wintress banged her fist down on the large table, lined with dignitaries from her own land and others.


The comma makes the sentence a bit awkward. I would suggest you remove it.

You know the Astrakhaners should not have this bad government, and you know they do.


I personally think that this sounds a bit weird. I'm not sure the meaning comes across clearly in the first glance. I suggest rephrasing it for a smoother reading experience.

She'd been able to eat, but not to taste, her bread,


"To taste" should be replaced with "taste". That way it sounds good.

Colin looked, then seemed to recognize the man, nodding slightly. "One of my guards." She raised her eyebrows and nodded toward him, as if to say, "Yours, but not mine?"


"Nodded towards him" would be correct here. And it should Corwin I think, not Colin. :p
They were all timed relatively well, ringing at nearly the same seconds, four times from the clock tower and each church.


Again, just a personal opinion, but perhaps rephrase this one as well. I had a little trouble trying to grasp its meaning.

Silira tried to ignore, but couldn't, the pain in her feet, and focused on the sunset, which she could glimpse between buildings and trees, blazing red across the sea, and Corwin next to her panting with the effort of running up the hill they were now ascending.


A sentence too long perhaps.

Silira looked sidelong at Corwin, surprised that he had called her noble, this girl who had shown up on his doorstep and expected to be helped, but he didn't see her


I loved the strong opening. God, I love the Queen. Wintress is such a strong personality. You don't need to even describe her! Her actions and her dialogues are enough to leave me in a state of awe. And I think this is great because I was able to look beyond your writing and completely immerse myself in imagining this character, something which not a lot of authors can achieve.

I enjoyed Corwin and Silira's little adventure, but perhaps I felt that it was a little out of place in a chapter where a Queen was asserting her power. I felt that such a strong opening had fizzled out into something much less important.

That apart, I think you write really well. Great job. Keep writing.

More power to you. Cheers!

Thanks! I'm so glad you love Wintress and Silira's muteness. If you get confused about Corwin being called Colin sometimes, I should explain. At first, I wrote the whole book while calling him Colin. I changed it afterwards because Colin sounds too much like Collins, the obnoxious clergyman in Pride and Prejudice. Corwin means "friend of my heart." Which is really sweet. I try to make my characters' name meanings fit them, unless I make the name up. Again, thanks a lot for the positive reinforcement.

Hello!
I'm afraid I haven't read the first few chapters of this story yet, but we'll see if I can help you with this one!
I really love your characters, especially how you've portrayed Silira despite the limitations on her dialogue! Henry's dialogue was also super fun to read! You're building some excellent character relations!

I didn't see any major problems or grammatical issues here, but here are a few of the things I found that stick out at me.

A few of your sentences read a bit oddly. Some examples:
"Which are?" a tallow-faced, dark-haired fellow who looked like a stick of string cheese, whose name was Gerald Weigh, said.
In this one, it seems strange to hold off the man's name until the end of the sentence. We would expect the narrator to identify him by name first, then give some details. You had a few instances like this. I personally try to avoid this sort of thing by thinking like this: periodic sentences (when the modifiers come first and the main clause comes last) build suspense, but cumulative sentences (when the main clause is first, and the modifiers are later) are easier to read. This sentence doesn't need suspense, but it's humorous, so it has to be easy to read. Thus, the main clause should come first. I hope I'm making sense here. You can ask Google if you want more help with this. Read through the chapter again and see if you can spot anywhere else where this happens.

The sixty-year-old man with the sideburns rolled his eyes. "And what will the Kadif have to say about this?"
Here I think overuse of adjectives sort of undercuts the humor. You've established that the man is sixty years old, so now you can just refer to him as the man with sideburns. Brevity is the sole of wit, or whatever. He might also fit better in the setting if he had a name, since he's the only person mentioned who doesn't have one. Even if he never appears again, he'll fit better if he's treated the same way as the other people at the conference.

Silence in the ranks, except for Weigh (a sickly fellow) coughing into his sleeve.
This pause sort of preps the reader for Wintress's plan to be rejected, so it sounds abrupt when it's seconded. If you meant this intentionally, you could maybe make it flow better by adding more detail. Was Wintress surprised? Were the other lords reluctant in accepting the idea?

Last detail, and, I think, an easy fix.
At one point, a few hours later, he said, "Am I monopolizing the conversation?"
She doubled over, laughing silently. He sighed and flopped back in his chair. "And you even laugh silently. I wish I could hear your voice. But am I?"

In an earlier paragraph we were told that Silira and Corwin had left the inn where they ate lunch, so where are they now?

Back at the palace, Henry ran down the steps to meet them. "Ho, brother! Hast returned from thy errand?"
I think Henry is my favorite.

Overall this is a very nice chapter, and I hope I was helpful despite not having read the earlier chapters yet! I'm going to go back and read them as soon as I have time! Would you mind tagging me the next time you post a chapter, to keep me from forgetting?
Good luck with your writing!

Hi! I'm so glad you like Henry, because he may grow up into another handsome prince in another story. Just hinting at what my next work will be.



When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer