z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 5 of Princess of the Sea

by lelu


Silira walked under a sky full of stars down the steps to the canal. She sat down and pulled her skirt up to her knees, which she studied for a few moments before sliding her tired feet into the water. She looked out over the glittering sea, lit by the stars and a rising crescent moon, a single pirate ship silhouetted against it. Are they all right? Do they know I survived meeting with the witch?

She sighed and leaned back. While not walking, her feet didn't hurt much, but there was a throbbing ache in them that quite irritated her. Being back in their element seemed to help. She wondered what had possessed that witch, and what on earth she was doing, here, out of her element and taking each painful step perfectly. Then she remembered her soul and everyone else's souls and Corwin.

There was a foaming in the deep.

Silira heard a faint, sad song, just slightly greater than that of the sea itself, and started up off the steps, sitting upright, looking out to sea.

Something's out there.

She caught a flash of white out of the corner of her eye that was just slightly brighter than the moonlight, and quickly turned her head. There was nothing there. The faint song quickened, got stronger. Then she realized the wind was speeding up.

Just the wind...

Then she saw a flash of blue, deeper than the sea, out of the other corner of her other eye. She turned to her right.

Nothing's ever just the wind.

There was a splash, and she was certain she saw a fin cut the water for a moment, seeming to stay motionless, before sliding beneath the water again. But she knew what that fin belonged to. A smile spread across her face, and she started waving.

Five glittering forms swirled to a halt in the mouth of the canal, just below the surface of the water. Silira slid a step lower, trying not to get her dress wet, grinning by now and leaning over the water to try to get a better view through the reflection of the moonlight on the water.

She should have known better than not to expect them.

Nyrie and Eylee and Eltress and Rika and Levana raised their dripping heads above the water. They had been singing, and their song had ended just before they broke the surface.

"Hello," Nyrie said.

"I know it's dangerous, but we had to come," Eylee said. "Father wanted to know if you were well...everyone did. Everyone knows of your having gone, and no one is angry, but they're all sad. They all miss you--us, Father, Grandmother, everyone. The sea itself seems sadder, not hearing your voice."

"So are you?" Rika asked. "Are you well? Did the witch hurt you?"

Silira considered, then opened her mouth. The thing with her feet was too hard to explain without words. They looked into it, and then Rika gasped. "Is..."

Silira nodded, sighing silently.

They were outraged. "But that's terrible! She CUT OUT your T--"

Silira waved her hands, trying to shut them up, and pointed back to the palace. Eylee pulled herself up, avoiding Silira so as not to get seawater on her dress, and looked at the lit and curtained windows of the hall with the fountain. Faint shadows of humans moved around behind them, servants bringing food to the dining table. "He's in there?" Eylee said quietly.

Silira nodded. Eylee slipped back into the water. "I just can't believe..."

"She did that to you, just because you wanted something from her..."

"What's the legal penalty for this?"

"Imprisonment, and she's already in the best prison we could find..."

Silira heard a well-known voice behind her. "...And the chicken was exquisite, but Silent can't taste a thing...some condition of some kind..." She gasped and stood up, spinning her skirt to check for any splashes of water. Her sisters ducked down to the bottom of the canal, leaning against the edge closest to Silira. Corwin was coming out. "Silent! Lady Silent!"

Silira glanced back once at her sisters and nodded, trying to let them know that everything was fine, that the land was more than she had hoped, that Corwin was...well, Corwin, and that he had a nice little brother and she was recognized, both in sea and on land, as a noble lady.

Corwin came up to her and took her hand, bringing her back to the palace. "Milady, no one bears a grudge against you for leaving so early, but we have sighted...how to put this...the Kadif's vessel. He is sailing now, and would not be pleased to see you again. We thought he might dispatch you with grape shot, if he sighted you out there."

Silira gestured elegantly to the risen crescent moon through a window, meaning that it was night and she would not be easily recognizable.

Colin looked at it, then back at her, noticing the effect of the moonlight on her unusually long pale blonde hair. "Well, I know it's night, but you are...distinctive." They were inside by now, standing at the foot of the steps. He realized he was still holding her hand, both of them in fact...now, how had that happened?...and let go. He nodded. "Good night, my lady."

She nodded back, and ascended the stairs, not noticing the single seawater spot on the hem of her dress, the spot that only Henry had noticed, looking out from the door of the hall, just after having finished eating. The kid turned and left, eyes narrowed, adding this to his secret list of clues.


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Thu Jan 04, 2018 7:54 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

So first I wanted to second some of the things QueenofSomewhere said, especially her first point about the confusing passage of time. This part in particular tripped me up.

Silira gestured elegantly to the risen crescent moon through a window, meaning that it was night and she would not be easily recognizable.

Colin looked at it, then back at her, noticing the effect of the moonlight on her unusually long pale blonde hair. "Well, I know it's night, but you are...distinctive." They were inside by now, standing at the foot of the steps. He realized he was still holding her hand, both of them in fact...now, how had that happened?...and let go. He nodded. "Good night, my lady."


Part of it was that she gestured at the moon through a window before you even said "they were inside by now." Since they start conversing as they walk, you can use the outdoor setting to break up and buffer their conversation. Rather than gesturing through a window, Silira could just gesture to the moon overhead while still outside.

I thought it was kind of odd that she tried so hard to keep her dress dry, because she's a mermaid. Like I know she's not in mermaid form right now. But considering she's from the sea, it doesn't seem like it should bother her about getting her clothing wet. And then since she's sitting out by the sea, I don't think anyone would find it super suspicious if she comes in with her hem all wet, so I wasn't sure why she kept twitching her dress away from the water.

I also thought her sisters' reaction to her tongue being cut out was underwhelming.

Silira considered, then opened her mouth. The thing with her feet was too hard to explain without words. They looked into it, and then Rika gasped. "Is..."

Silira nodded, sighing silently.

They were outraged. "But that's terrible! She CUT OUT your T--"


Like, no, your sister's tongue has been cut out. But they just kind of get upset about it for a moment and then move on.

The one thing I wanted to add was the viewpoint shifts in this chapter. We're in Silira's viewpoint for most of it, but when Corwin comes to get her we're suddenly in his viewpoint without any warning, and then at the end we get Henry's. I'm not opposed to an omniscient narrator, but if that's the case I think the shifts between characters' perspectives need to be smoother, and if you're going for omniscience then we could also stand to see Silira's sisters and even the sea's grief over her abrupt departure and disfigurement.

If you were going for multiple viewpoint characters instead of an omniscient narrator, there needs to be a clearer break between each perspective, although Henry's few sentences at the end were all right here. It was mostly Corwin suddenly being the viewpoint character that threw me.




lelu says...


Thanks for your comment. I will be fixing this in the revised edition of the entire book, which I will eventually release after I've gotten input from all of you people. ;)



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Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:20 pm
QueenofSomewhere wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here as promised for a review!

Overall this was a good chapter. We get more of a peak into how Silira came into her present situation, and what her life was like before. This is good development for Silira's character, and hopefully a setup for future involvement of the mermaid girls!

Only three things that I really want to comment on!

First issue I saw! There are some points where the passage of time gets confusing. You move the characters from one setting to the next with very little transition. For example, when Corwin comes down to bring her back to the palace, I imagine them walking towards the palace and carrying out their conversation, but then they're suddenly looking out the window! It feels a little like they just teleported from the sea to inside. There are a few instances like this in earlier chapters, where the length of the narration just doesn't seem to match the length of time needed to get from one place to another, and it becomes difficult to picture the scene.

Second issue! A splash of water is not really suspicious, unless Henry is already paranoid about mermaids. If someone has been down by the sea, I wouldn't think anything was weird about a splash of water.

Third, I find it hard to care about the mermaid sisters. There are so many of them that you didn't go into their individual personalities in much detail. Maybe Silira should have just one or two very close sisters, or just spend more time on this scene to develop them a bit more.

Very well done and just in need of a few tweaks. A quick question: How detailed is your outline before you start writing?
Good luck!




lelu says...


My outline isn't very detailed. Sometimes I don't even have one. I have it pretty clear in my head where I want the story to go. And, of course, you people are very helpful! ;)





I see! I'm always impressed with people who can write without an outline.




If it wasn't for poetry, I couldn't express myself.
— Rosendorn