z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 16 of Princess of the Sea

by lelu


Silira sat up in bed before she was fully awake. She pushed the bearskin rug onto the floor, got up, and got dressed. Today the princess would arrive at the Keep.

The feast last night had been long and glorious, but most of it was a blur. She remembered Corwin raising his glass to those assembled, Tiernan making a speech she hadn't paid much attention to, and then dancing. She hadn't wanted to watch that, and had gone up to bed, unnoticed by anyone but Corwin, who pretended he hadn't noticed.

She got up and looked outside. The sun was high in the sky, perhaps even past noon. But no, the bells were beginning to ring. She counted the times they rang, then jumped off the window seat and ran around the room, dressing, brushing her hair as fast as she could, and hoping she wouldn't make waves by showing up late. Tiernan had been very threatening last night.

She ran down the stairs and into the common room, pretending to be cheerful, pretending the shadow had passed. It hadn't, of course, but people thought it had. The common room had a good many people in it, drinking tea and trying to get rid of their hangovers. Corwin was there. Once she came in, he looked panicked for a second, then tried to ignore her without seeming rude. She sat down on the sofa next to him, mustered her forces, and gave him her cutest smile. He was looking...he was smiling, seeming relieved...he was buying it. Perfect. "It's a good morning," he was saying. "More like midday," Lord Tiernan said, coming in. "We all slept in because of the late-night jubilation. The princess should arrive soon."

"Are you hungry?" Corwin said. "Ho, Tiernan, no sign of Her Highness?"

Silira shook her head, and Tiernan shook his. "None, I'm afraid. She'd probably planning to surprise us all. You know, shock us with her lateness."

"And gorgeousness," a guy said in the back.

Tiernan laughed. "Yea, verily. I've never seen her, but who would deny the many tales of her beauty?"

Silira hadn't been listening, or caring much. She was busy making a resolution. She would no longer agonize over the fact that she would have no soul. She wondered for the first time if oblivion would be so bad.

The clocks struck five. It was dark. Serena had still not arrived. Silira leaned on the wall of the ballroom, the third floor up from the ground, looking out a high, narrow window. The moon was shining through a thin cloud, moonlight shining dimly on the sea. Silira was wondering where her sisters were. Corwin was sitting on a table, nibbling a stolen fruit from the buffet.

Then there was a knock on the door of the Keep.

Silira blinked, coming out of her brown study. To whom it may concern, a brown study is like spacing out, only more depressed.

Corwin slid off the table and ran with Silira down the stairs. They slipped into the common room and sat down as fast as possible, trying to look as if they hadn't been gone at all.

The door opened. There was a loud voice down below. "Where is Lord Tiernan? I expect a welcome fit for a princess!"

The housekeeper tried to quiet the loud woman. Well, that can't be the princess, Silira thought. It must be the chaperone, Lady Reynalda. "Your Ladyship, I am sorry. Lord Tiernan awaits you, and you, Your Highness, in the common room. It is on the next floor up."

The housekeeper was leading the lady and the princess up the stairs. Silira tried not to despair, not because she was losing Corwin, but because she was losing any chance of ever being with the only One she'd ever loved more.

The door opened. A large woman in an expensive dress came in, along with a shorter, cloaked figure. It was impossible to see the girl's face. Corwin bit his lip. Silira stopped panicking. She felt strangely calm, cool, emotionless. Was this what oblivion felt like?

"Greetings, Lord Tiernan," Lady Reynalda said. She had a weird face, with classical features frozen in place, like a badly done Greek bust.

"Greetings, Lady Reynalda." Tiernan smiled. "You are most welcome. Indeed, you both are. Your Highness." He bowed to Serena. The girl in the cloak nodded, slowly, not looking at anyone in particular. Actually, she had pulled the hood too low to see anyone's face. So it was more like she was nodding at his feet.

Corwin got up. All the other men in the room had, as a matter of form. "Your Highness. I'm glad to meet you." He seemed his normal, charming self, but Silira could tell he could barely keep still, while she could barely move.

The girl turned her head towards him, staying where she was. Slowly, she raised a gloved hand.

The hood flew back, and it was the girl from the cathedral.

Silira did not move a muscle. Even her heart stopped for a second.

Corwin didn't move, but his heartbeat skyrocketed.

Tiernan was the first to speak. "Welcome to Caer Ebon, Princess."

"Thank you, Lord Tiernan. I have always loved it here."

Silira knew that voice. She had heard it once before in her life, shouting for her fellow students when she found Corwin on the beach. She remained sitting on the sofa, smiling slightly, looking the picture of relaxation.

Corwin still wasn't moving, but he shook himself slightly and cleared his throat. "Your Highness," he said, smiling now, as if his face wasn't big enough for it, "the reports of your beauty were erroneous."

Serena raised her eyebrows, tilting her head to one side. "Excuse me for not understanding you...Your Highness."

"Please call me Corwin. And I meant not that, but this: you are the fairest of them all." He stepped forward. "I remember the day you saved my life, and I remember you. For three long years I have wished to see you again." Serena still stayed where she was, smiling coolly. Silira still didn't move.

Corwin dropped to one knee. There was a faint snap that nobody heard, as Silira's heart broke.

"Will you be my queen?"

Serena nodded, and Silira rose, still unnoticed by anyone, and left the room.


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541 Reviews


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Sun Feb 25, 2018 8:21 pm
Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hi again, lelu!

Ooooooh man, the drama! My heart aches for Silira in this chapter, and I adore the way she's resigned herself to oblivion at this point. I very much hope circumstances change for her, but her sadness is written so well here. Great job!

A few small notes up front:

Tiernan had been very threatening last night.

Was he? I don't remember this happening in the last chapter.

Silira blinked, coming out of her brown study. To whom it may concern, a brown study is like spacing out, only more depressed.

LOL I found this so amusing. I love the tone you have in your writing to allow for this playfulness.

My main questions here have to do with things I'm sure I would already know had I read the first 14 chapters. I'm very curious about Silira and Corwin's relationship, and the way Corwin's feelings toward her seem to keep fluctuating. Occasionally, we're getting to see into his head and learn what he thinks, but between that and the way he acts I can't figure out how he feels about Silira? Does he like her, but know he has to marry this queen? Is he annoyed or bothered by her? Does she freak him out? It's perfectly okay (even desirable!) for him to be confused or have conflicting feelings about her, but I just wish we got to see that more clearly. Right now, it just feels kind of scattered and random.

Otherwise, another super enjoyable chapter! Thanks so much for sharing, and please do keep writing!

--Lauren




lelu says...


Thanks, Lauren! I'm going to release a full version of the book after I've revised all the chapters. It should answer most of your questions.



lelu says...


Your reviews cheer me up so much. So encouraging.



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Sun Feb 25, 2018 7:28 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey lelu,

Shady back for the final review for this novel, since this is the furthest chapter you've posted so far. Just wanted to take a moment at the beginning of this to reiterate how much I like this story. You are a talented author and I am enjoying your work. So getting started...

She pushed the bearskin rug onto the floor, got up, and got dressed.


Bearskin rug? Why in the world did she have a rug on her? Do you mean blanket? But if it's a blanket, then why is she pushing it onto the floor? I don't understand what you are going for here. Maybe make it a bit clearer what she's doing?

She counted the times they rang, then jumped off the window seat and ran around the room, dressing, brushing her hair as fast as she could, and hoping she wouldn't make waves by showing up late.


You had her getting dressed in the very first paragraph of this chapter. Why is she dressing again?

Tiernan had been very threatening last night.


If this is true, then you absolutely should show us that scene, not just tell us about it. Because so far you've said he was a bad guy, but have shown us absolutely nothing to back that up. He is being hospitable. He is hosting parties. By all indications he is a good guy. If he is not, then you need to be showing us -- both blatant and underlying themes -- that point to him being a bad guy after all.

"It's a good morning," he was saying. "More like midday," Lord Tiernan said, coming in. "We all slept in because of the late-night jubilation. The princess should arrive soon."


I've noticed you doing this in previous chapters, but didn't bother pointing it out. But I see it is a habit, so I'll point it out now. Each new speaker should get his own paragraph. I don't care if they only say a single word each. If the narrator changes, there should be a fresh paragraph to keep that straight.

"Are you hungry?" Corwin said. "Ho, Tiernan, no sign of Her Highness?"


I feel like his first question is out of place. I mean if he'd asked it and then Tiernan cut in with his comment, sure. But he asked it after Tiernan spoke, which makes it seem awkward. Since she said no, I would think you could delete it entirely. Or at least move it. I doubt he'd take the time to ask her something as minor as if she was hungry, when their host had just entered the room and obviously wanted attention as soon as he did.

Silira hadn't been listening, or caring much. She was busy making a resolution. She would no longer agonize over the fact that she would have no soul. She wondered for the first time if oblivion would be so bad.

The clocks struck five. It was dark.


Here is another example of where you switch between the scenes too hastily. We go from her thinking, to it suddenly being five o'clock. Where did those five hours go? You either need a scene break or a paragraph or two explaining what transpired during that time.

To whom it may concern, a brown study is like spacing out, only more depressed.


Eh. Another example that I already ranted about in a previous chapter. Don't give "To whom it might concern"s in your novel. Your main goal should be clear writing, yes, but not explicitly explaining each novel term you use.

That being said, I would have no idea what a brown study was, aside from your comment. So you might think of expressing that a different way, so that it would be easily understood by all?

The housekeeper tried to quiet the loud woman. Well, that can't be the princess, Silira thought. It must be the chaperone, Lady Reynalda.


Just so you know, the way you wrote this made me think that the bellowing was absolutely from the princess. The "Well, that can't be the princess" seems like it's foreshadowing to this supposedly beautiful girl being a loud, abrasive, obnoxious woman. That doesn't seem to be correct as I read on, but that is certainly the impression I got at first.

"Will you be my queen?"


That is really sudden. And I mean really sudden. Proposing to a woman the very instant he lays eyes on her? I get adding the drama, hurting Silira, all that. You need to build tension and drama into the story, but it still seems odd to me that he would propose and that she would accept so quickly.

I mean he came here with zero intentions of marrying her, so why would he have a ring on him in the first place? And if he didn't have a ring, then what was he doing dropping to his knee? Would a princess even consider him without one?

~ ~ ~

I really like the tension you left us with. It makes me want to read on, to see what happens to poor Silira. I'm starting to feel really badly for that poor girl. But I am starting to get really into this story, also. If you wanted to tag me when you get another chapter up, I would be happy to read and review it for you.

I'm not around here all the time. I'm one of the old YWSers, so I've got to find time to hang out here outside of work. But if I see your tag, then I'll certainly continue reading this, if you would like me to.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




lelu says...


Thanks! I'll put you on my mailing list.




I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47