Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
{Sadie}
Ana's never been the smartest person. she was the last person to learn to write in print with those fat pencils, because she would always be doodling squirrels and birds on the thick pages of her workbook, and simple math was like hieroglyphs to her. i've peeked in her journal and seen the spelling mistakes. i have to fight the urge to yell at her a lot of the time; she's had so much tutoring, and she's just being lazy about it.
but she's a people person - she's friends with the wallflowers and the jocks. i'm friends with my Beats. and she's an art freak, sort of. her face is her canvas, ringed with fluttering lashes and shiny highlights. she does peoples' makeup for prom free of charge.
i never hated her. i couldn't. she was my sibling. we were always told to never consider our looks. our dad's white, our mom's colombian.
i was cursed with her wide hips and curly dark hair, while Ana was blessed with a coltish frame, long, chestnut brown hair, freckles, and these huge doe eyes that entranced every guy she stared at. an irish beauty.
the only thing i can ever hold over her is her is my grades.
when she was talking to Quinn, i felt my blood boil.
i had liked Quinn longer than she had. except i had never told them. how could they like me, the girl who wore size eighteen sevens that still didn't fit right, and had a blotchy red face covered in late-bloomer pimples?
it seems like too much of an effort to cover it up all the time, powders and glosses are not my thing.
i turned up the volume on my Beats and let Nirvana rattle my brain around.
Ana's in bliss, a giant smile rests on her lips and stays there for the whole tutoring lesson. we just work on spelling for the day, and i can see her handwriting getting more and more illegible. damn, love really sunk into her brain.
it takes everything i have not to grab her by the hair and shake her like crazy.
focus, you dumbass. focus.
but i don't.
we walk home after an hour, and she's practically floating over the sidewalk while i feel my feet sinking into it.
i think i hate my sister.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello! Here are my thoughts. I’m just noting a few things I had questions about or that stood out to me.
I understand Sadie and Ana are basically opposites of each other. What’s an Irish beauty? Is that a saying, or is this story set in Ireland?
Are Sevens a shoe brand?
I think you need to add either a conjunction or period here.
I thought Sadie was just reminiscing on her feelings, so I wasn’t aware that the girls were actually somewhere doing a tutoring session.
Love the last lines. A great place to end things.
Overall, I think you have set up nicely how Sadie holds a bit of jealousy towards her seemingly prettier and extroverted sister. Sadie also has a good narrative voice that’s very informal and choppy. The choice to use lowercase is interesting. I feel like I'm reading Sadie's journal entry.
Good work!
This is a good way to start planning out character voice; and it totally shows how the sisters interact and how they think of each other. The only thing throwing me off is how the pencils are described as fat. It might be my foreign coming through, but I've never heard that one.
Also, isn't it hieroglyphics if it is written in a sentence phrased like that? I am unsure of this, so ignore this if I am wrong.
Ooh, that'd be a great scene to write; definitely would have some good banter.
I love this imagery. Wow, just wow!
Giant smile?
Once again, good job! If you post more, please tag me!
-Lum
I'll be sure to tag you when I write another chapter.
Thanks for reading!
-ml