Hi there izzywidgeon! I was looking for something to review and stumbled across your poem in the green room, so here I am ^^
Reading through this, one of my first impressions is that this seems a lot like spoken word poetry - poetry that's meant to be spoken aloud. You use more informal language like "sure" and "maybe", and the entire poem is addressed to an audience. But then, a lot of poems are written in the second person that are meant to be read solely on the page; in the case of this poem, the fact that you ask the audience so many questions and even end the poem on "but who said you had to listen to me", makes it seem like its meant for a live audience. (Which makes sense considering it's meant to be a poetic eulogy!) So overall, I enjoyed your use of tone and language and rhetorical questions -> these things work really well together to engage the reader (or listener) into the poem!
On a related note, I want to look at your use of linebreaks! EtherealGarbage mentioned it a bit in their review; you use a lot of enjambment. Which is absolutely not a bad thing - I am such of fan of tasteful enjambment !! And you create some really effective pauses throughout the piece with your use of linebreaks. A couple of my favourite instances:
^These line breaks work nicely to emphasize the phrase "makes you up"! Which helps to show that the subject of this poem is about who you are, both physically and in your actions.sure, it all makes up you.
morals, people argue are what really
makes you up.
^The heavy enjambment in this stanza echoes the concept of the world being a confusing jumble. Because the lines end at "awkward" places, you have to reread it a couple times to fully comprehend what's being said, an effect that matches the actual meaning of the words perfectly.why is the world just a jumble
of questions with little slips
of answers that aren't fished out
There were a couple instances, though, where I think line breaks could be changed to be even more impactful. For example:
^I want to go back to the fact that I think this poem is meant to be spoken word, just quickly. Try reading this stanza aloud; I think you'll find it has a very disjointed feel. That's alright, of course, but it doesn't mimic the cadence of speech, and it is, well, a bit awkward to say aloud. I'd suggest rearranging the line breaks so that it fits the cadence of speech a bit better, and so that the line breaks work to emphasize more important words. One possible way would be:if you have morals, why don't you show them
if you should love thy neighbor why don't
you even know the first names of the
couple that have lived across the street
from you for the past ten years?
It still uses its fair share of enjambment, but now the enjambment feels more natural when said aloud, and in my opinion, emphasizes more "important" words. I think if you went through the whole poem and read it out loud, and then altered the line breaks accordingly, the whole thing would be even more impactful <3if you have morals, why don't you show them
if you should love thy neighbor
why don't you even know
the first names
of the couple that have lived
across the street from you
for the past ten years?
One last final thing I wanted to bring up (also to do with how the poem sounds aloud hehe) - I'd really love it if you incorporated a few subtle sound effects throughout. Some slant rhymes, some assonance, some alliteration -> they'd add a lovely melodic effect to the poem and, if you do intend for this to be spoken word, would add auditory interesting! You do a lovely job of that here:
"Slips" and "abyss" create a really simple but effective slant rhyme, which I adore!of questions with little slips
of answers that aren't fished out
from the rubble until you're staring
into that abyss?
^I just had one teensy eensy nitpick while going through the poem; in these two lines, "its" -> "it's" and "front / your" -> "front / of your" (or "front of / your", whatever you like, really!)because its easier to deflect what's right in front
your nose.
All in all, I quite enjoyed the tone of the poem and the way you drew the reader into the story. I think it'd be really interesting to hear this narrated, and I'd love to hear what kind of inflection you'd add to the piece! My main suggestions would be to take a look at some of the linebreaks and perhaps add some more rhetorical devices (ie alliteration, rhyme, etc.). I also really liked the title haha; it's very unique and intriguing! I hope this review is helpful in some way and if you have any questions feel free to ask!
Keep writing c:
whatcha
Points: 25025
Reviews: 329
Donate