ribcage of thorns
holds a wilted
heart
with
a lolling head.
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Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi there mintyleaf! I'm here for a quick review on your poem
Since this is such a short poem, I'm going to go through line by line and give you my comments/suggestions/impressions.
This is by far my favourite line! I like how unique the imagery is, it paints a vivid picture in my mind.
I think that you could choose a stronger word than "wilted" - a wilted flower is a bit of a cliche idea, and in a poem with only 11 words, each word counts. Two possible substitutions could be "withered" or "waning" - but there are definitely lots of other words that would work as well!
I like your use of line breaks for how you separated "holds a wilted/heart". I'd suggest changing the following two lines a bit, to match, something like "with a lolling/head". That's because right now, "with" is an accented word, but I personally think "head" would make more sense to emphasize.
This isn't necessarily a critique, but I'm not sure what "a lolling head" is exactly referring to? The heart and ribcage are both part of the abdomen, but the head isn't, so I don't see a clear connection there - unless you could be referring to the "head" of the flower (aka the wilting heart). Right now how it's phrased, it sounds to me like the ribcage is holding both the heart and the head -> I'd either suggest specifying what type of head you're talking about, or specifying the relationship between the head and the heart. Hopefully that makes sense, but if not, feel free to ask for clarification!
Overall, I really like the imagery you're using, and I think the simplicity works really well for this poem. Two little suggestions would be word choice and line breaks, but my main one is expanding/clarifying how the head connects to the rest of the poem!
I hope this review is helpful <3 Keep writing!
whatcha
Hi!! Here to review for ya
First off, I really like how simple this is. It tells a beautiful story in just five lines. I love the way you drew us in from the very first sentence speaking about the 'ribcage of thorns'. The only thing I could think for you to improve on could be explaining more about the different parts of the rose. For example, maybe add a sentence saying why the head is lolling or describing it more. However, I also really do like the simplicity, so it is up to you to decide whether you want to take that feed back or not.
As for things that I like... I already said I love the simplicity. I love how it gives the reader the freedom to think about the poem while still understanding it.
Great job once again!!
All the best,
Madeline