could quiet creep across
the plains of our conversations
smothering our witty banter with quilts of insecurities
replacing words with sighs
choking us until
goodbye
is forced from our chapped lips
and i walk out of your house
and never come back
and quiet becomes our new state of being
cookies uncooked
dirty dishes festering in the sink
we'd walk away never knowing
life is more than a collection of mistakes
sprinkled across the sky to create constellations
we'd never know
what it is to walk hand in hand
each finger connecting each fiber of our beings
pinkies touch and eyes align
we'd never know
what it is to be one
so we'd keep going
unwinding and unraveling the knots of our lives
until with a last flick and quiver it comes undone
and everything we should've said is tossed on the welcome mat of death
all the poems and apologies and
the don'ts and wills and cans
we'd spill out a million unspoken i love yous
wasted on death's porch
but at least after a while the ants will come to snack on them
is it already too late
is the cuckoo's sweet chime
a reminder of shared joy
or the death toll of an unknown love
could quiet ever kill us
yes
perhaps it already has
so i chatter blindly
and hope my words don't fall on deaf ears
because the smell of violets and pearls still teases my nose
and constellations aren't composed of mistakes
they are the creamy white shards of a lover's smile
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hello? It has been "ages" since i wrote my last review. I have to admit that I like this poem. Why? Because put something into it: detail.
With this, a reader is able to relate with/ to what the persona is going through.
That aside, I have always marvelled because of the fact that love or lack of it, has always been a source of inspiration even before Shakespeare's days. Someone told me that love runs the world. I am yet to ascertain this but what I know, is that we all have different opinions about love depending on the status of our love lives. Because of love, I personally have wrote poems which follow aspects of style that my English teacher taught and others which are from my heart. I believe this poem was from your heart;another reason why i love this poem. Well I find it funny you say you hate this poem in your description. Have a poetic day. Wont you?
Hey there herbgirl! I'm dramamine and I'll be giving you a quick review today, so here we go.
Well first off all, there is absolutely no reason to hate this poem. It's quite fantastic, really. The pictures you paint of constellations, dying love, etc. make me fall in love with this poem even more. However, I am quite the sucker for imagery and you use it wonderfully. So since there is no part of this poem that I "hate" necessarily, maybe I could point out a few things that I thought could be improved upon. Honestly though at this point I'm nitpicking because there is nothing wrong with your piece. So I completely understand if you disagree.
The only word choice I thought was a bit off was the part when you say the "cuckoo's sweet chime" and that's only because I find the word cuckoo a bit stupid and it doesn't fit with the rest of the beautiful words you choose. Again, I'm nitpicking. Also, words like "snack" and "creamy" just don't seem to fit but this is really only a personal preference. Truthfully, I really have nothing to critique. You did a great job with this.
Have a great day and keep writing!
Hey friend! Silverberry here for a review! Considering I don't normally review poems, this one caught my eye and I did end up liking it! I like the dramatic tone and the overall theme of the poem of love and hopelessness. My favorite, however, is the ending, for though it was a melancholy poem, the ending has a sort of happy high note.
Since I'm here to help, the main thing I'd advise is consistency! For the first line you have a word, "goodbye", as it's own line, which was very dramatic, but the rest of the poem is regularly spaced except for the word "yes". Also, since you usually have one line that's longer than the others in each stanza, perhaps try to make each stanza in the same order (like have the long one be the third sentence or whatnot) so that the rhythm is consistent.
I acutally really love this stanza, I think it goes really well together and is very relatable. I especially like your use of "smothering" in the third line. The only thing I see that you could improve is "and I walk out of your house", just because this could have better description in it and be a little bit more interesting. Instead of walk I'd suggest having grudge or hurry or something that adds a little more characterization and description.
This stanza is a little more confusing than me, but I like your reference to stars and the word "sprinkled" just makes it even better. "Cookies uncooked" sound a little awkward, even if it was for alliteration purposes, because it's such a contradiction. I do like the meaning of that line though and how you got across that the main person and the second one haven't seen each other and made cookies together in a while (I'm guessing that's what you were going for) and how the main person isn't taking such great care, you're very good at showing ideas without clearly stating them.
I love how this stanza flows well together because you are talking about touching throughout the whole stanza and being together, but I think that would be even better if you switched the last two lines, so it ends and starts the same and you have that repitition that begins and ends the stanza. Also, this way the touching and "being one" lines are all comncected.
[quote]because the smell of violets and pearls still teases my nose
And constellations aren't composed of mistakes
They are the creamy white shard of a lover's smile"
You're ending is really good, and I like that you referenced the constellation thing from the beginning, for it really brings it all together. The only question I have is why you chose the SMELL of pearls? I don't really see pearls as having a very unique and known scent, but I understand what they mean romantically. Maybe chose a different thing than smell?
Okay, overall I actually did like your poem and it's was very romantic and lovely! It could've used some work with consistency and perfecting some descriptions, but I think you did a good job! Keep writing!
Hey babe. i don't usually respond to reviews, but i wanted to say this little thing before i forget. Sometimes in my poems, i like to say things that mix up the senses, so that it contributes to a general sense of confusion or loss of understanding, of being overwhelmed. In this case, the pearls, something that normally just have a distinct appearance, now have a whole different meaning along with a new scent. It's kind of weird, but i just wanted to explain it.
Oh that's really interesting! Thanks for explaining.
Heya, Herbgirl! Casanova here to do a review for you! I'll be taking this stanza by stanza, so I hope you don't mind. To the review!
The first thing here is flow. It feels constant, like there isn't a pause or anything here. I feel like adding commas or periods would help your flow out.
The next thing is I feel like you lose a lot of power behind your lines in the last three lines. They seem more lyrical than anything, but the first few lines are really good, so I give you props there. Anyway, onward.
Here I feel like you're focusing on the loss of the person, and I like that. I did rather enjoy the last two lines- I haven't seen those two things compared to each other in poetry before, and it was refreshing. So props for that. Anyway, onward!
Here I believe you meant,"connecting." I thought that was just a typo, but if I'm wrong please correct me. Again, I love these lines. Onward.
Here it starts to feel like you're rambling. I would suggest cutting the more rambling parts- like,"until with a last flick and quiver it comes undone
and everything we should've said is tossed on the welcome mat of death
all the poems and apologies and
the don'ts and wills and cans"
But that's just my opinion. It's good as is, and those lines are decent, I just think you'd have more impact getting straight to the point, if you know what I mean. Anyway, onward.
Again, I think you should add punctuation to help with the flow, as well as to help clarify that it is a question. Onward.
I find the last two lines are the best out of these, and I really enjoyed them. So props for that.
All in all I think you have a decent poem that could use a tad bit of work, but overall I think it's good.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Hey herbgirl! I wanted to review this poem because the title really got my attention and I wanted to tell you my praise-ful thoughts on this piece. If you have any questions concerning my review feel free to PM me or comment them. I'll be happy to help as always.
Regarding the format of the poem, I don't see anything that I would change really. I very much love this poem but I would prefer to not have such long lines at times. It gives me a feeling to the poem that's hard to describe and maybe that's what you want. Almost like a rambling but like a poetic meaningful ramble. I love how you placed "goodbye" and I love the line about chapped lips. I think the "cookies uncooked" is a bit odd but maybe that has to do with the story. I don't really think of uncooked cookies when it comes to the messy aftermath or a fight or breakup or whatever. I was a bit confused at the fact the poem made me feel like they were still a "we" as if they were still connected closely even though they weren't. I can see how many you would want that feeling but it kind of kept me from feeling the pain and absence of a loved one or potential loved one. Going back to the formatting, I'd actually prefer this poem to have commas and period and overall proper grammar. I feel like sense it's longer it would really work well. Grammar tends to help me hear the narrator speaking and while I understand some poets love for no grammar (and I am guilty of loving no grammar at times) I would love to see this poem with some grammar. Especially the "i love you"s part because putting quotations around it almost makes me think of the characters saying it. You could also italicized it because in poetry italics tend to mean thoughts of the character or dialogue. For example Rupi Kaur's first poem in her collection:
Also adding onto me wanting grammar. The narrator asks a question in the second to last stanza and it doesn't have a question mark. That confused me, like I didn't really it was a question. Also "could quiet ever kill us" I would love a question mark. Also a period after "yes" would be really strong and powerful. Anyway my review was sort of rambley but I hope you don't mind!
marmalade