leaves crunch crack crumble
beneath fashionably-booted feet
crushing along with the colors
the cold dry husk of my self esteem
love myself
you say?
what is there left to love
when what you once admired
now makes you grimace
and wipe your hands
when you come in contact with me
no
what you loved
what i loved
died with the summer
in a blaze of orange and red
a pyre of regret and self-loathing
leaving only a sad girl
with tearful eyes
and sunburned skin
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
I love the emotional expression in this poem, it really connects to me personally. The only thing I see absent with this is maybe a use of commas and capitalization, of course I don't if you intended it to be this way or not, I'm basing this off of general poetry. Although when I read this at first I had no issue, I would have to agree with Lumi that you could work on flow better. I find it is often hard to write a poem with much personal application which also flows well together. Even when it isn't personal having many ideas you want to all express in one poem while also working together can be quite challenging. To me poetry is like a puzzle of words, you just have figure out what fits!
Overall, I love this work and I hope to see more from you in the future! ^-^
This is so deceptively quaint. I love you for it.
First line, immediately there's a flow issue where you can benefit from the pentameter, leaving off the iambic rhythm. The idea is that five beats in a row when going after a singular idea or descriptor hitting the momentum as such:
On. On. On. On-off.
gives you an edge that is otherwise lost when you just, well, don't. It's not even a rule of poetry or a device. It's simply a trick that makes flow work better for you, and no, it doesn't apply to every line or every description. But with alliteration and repeated description? Yes. Totally. I'd use it day in and day out. I do use it.
And I don't talk about it much because I didn't major in poetry and I make up these terms as I go. So your key is
Leaves crunch, crack, crumble
so in addition to better flow, we even get a visual detail with the auditory before the final visual of the crumbling. It's a good mix, I approve, I think you'll like it.
Cold dry husk is a clunkfest and can benefit from being exchanged for a metaphor if you wish? Give some time to this and explore what you can put here, though really I think husk could accommodate what you need just fine without the descriptors that take up mouth feel.
"Causes you to" swapped out for "makes you" smooths out the issues here.
The last stanza is a sunburn itself--in a good way. You pull off a bomb of emotion here that's lyrically packed for the abuse. I love it, I hate it. I feel for the narrator. I've been in this poem's head and I know the mirror-feel of it all.
Overall excellent job. You certainly have places for flow enhancement; however, if and when you give the attention needed to those areas, I have no doubt you'll be god-tier among poets.
All my best,
Ty