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else (or something i hadn't said before)

by chrysanthemumcentury


you know i think that i hold some kind of indifference

else, i at least have some disdain

(or something that i've failed to say)

& you left something of yours in my heart

else i am to cry i think you should take it back

(because i'm fed up of my silly feelings

or something else that's misdirected & stupid)

~

& something's afoot or else maybe we are giants

(tracing back legacy, i held back words i meant to say)

so maybe i'm dying or something else like being in a

time loop

(so maybe i'm dying or something else like being in a

time loop-- do you get deja vu too? i swear i've been here before.)

as history repeats itself i am repairing myself

(but some things can't be repaired, else i'd be perfect.)

~

hush your crying they said (else i'd break the status quo)

'cause we are blinded by the either & or (we forget the else)

but someday i think i'd like to cry (or something else that gratifies me.)

i know not when but i do hope it is soon (we find ourselves, else, we at least try to.)


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Stickied -- Fri May 17, 2024 12:05 am
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chrysanthemumcentury says...



i think that i forgot my words at home
and now i'm something else




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Fri Jun 07, 2024 4:36 am
EllieMae wrote a review...



Image

Hey Herb!! Ellie here to leave some feedback on this lovely poem! Lets jump into this:

I love all of the else statements you make throughout this. That seemed like an overall theme to me. Sort of like saying 'or else'

(because i'm fed up of my silly feelings

or something else that's misdirected & stupid)


This poem had a very relaxed mood to it. Even more than most of your poetry. It didn't sound super pleasing to say out loud, but the words were relaxed in a relatable way, if that makes sense. There were a lot of sentences or phrases that went on for a long time, but the thoughts connected nicely. I like your formatting and style of this. Though I think having it too relaxed can take away from a sense of connection at a certain point. But I think the 'else' theme tied it together well.

as history repeats itself i am repairing myself

(but some things can't be repaired, else i'd be perfect.)


These lines really stood out to me! This was my favorite part. Repeating and repairing happening at the same time, over and over. It really adds to this time loop idea you were writing about a little bit earlier in the poem. And I love how you finished that line- not everything can be fixed. I love the bracket style you used here.

Overall, this poem is filled with 'or else' or alternative phrases. I love how this gives us insight to unsaid thoughts and unshared feelings. Lovely poem, as always, Herb!!

Your friend,
Ellie

PS: I love the word 'afoot' and adored your use of the word in this poem!!

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Thu Jun 06, 2024 5:19 am
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AnotherCrowInRow wrote a review...



Except for a few typos, I see here a poem that works very well with emotions. Good job!
I also like how some parts of the poem are bracketed. It's a clever trick that makes the reader's inner voice change throughout the poem, and it would certainly work interestingly in a recitation.
Anyway - nice job! Unfortunately, I can't give you proper feedback and suggestions for improvement, since I have practically no experience with poetry. All I can tell you is only from the reader's point of view, and I like the poem from that point of view.
Have nice rest of day/night/whatever and stay safe!





The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
— H. L. Mencken