Young Writers Society

Hey! Plume here, with a review!

I feel like I might have read some parts of this a looong time ago. Sorry for not keeping up with this, but I noticed it in the green room and decided to give it a review! If I talk about anything that was covered in previous chapters, this is just an apology in advance.

I really enjoyed reading this! Even though I didn't have prior context other than maybe a few passages much earlier in the story, it was still very fun to read! You have a lot of nice dialogue that carries the story along really nicely.

One of my favorite things about this was the dialogue combined with the pacing, I think. The way you structure the dialogue so that it naturally flows into actions painted this suuuuper clear picture of what was happening in my mind. It was like a movie, seriously. I only wish I maybe had a little more description of the setting, but I'm assuming it was probably in another part that I didn't read, so you can just ignore that. There was also a really nice balance of dialogue to other parts, like thoughts and actions. I didn't once get bored during this, which is very admirable. You should be proud!

I also think your characterization was very well done. I was able to get insights into all of these characters just in this short little section, which shows how much indirect characterization you do through your dialogue. This is a great skill, and one you use masterfully!

Specifics

I did notice some things that were off about your dialogue punctuation, though.

The Ice Talon jumped off the rock platform she’d been resting on and rushed over to him, “You’re alright.”

The comma that comes before the dialogue should be a period. There's no reason for it to be a comma, because the sentence before it isn't a dialogue tag. You do this a lot throughout the piece, and it was a little distracting for me while reading.

You’re tribe needs you.

You used the wrong "you're" here. It should be "your," since it's possessive.

Overall: nice job!! I really enjoyed reading your piece, and I'm tempted to go back and read the parts before this! (If only I had the time.) Keep up the good work!!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review here...let's see how things are going.

First Impression: Well...this was a heavy chapter. Well sort of. Most of it was full of wholesome moments and I loved the interactions going on but then the emotions and the end were just....ahhhh...they're great...but ahh...the suspense...'tis too much.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Bright sunlight flooded Zoltar’s eyes, blinding him momentarily as the Wind Talon guard opened the door.

“Zoltar,” Felistia cried upon seeing the Shadow Talon entire the room. The Ice Talon jumped off the rock platform she’d been resting on and rushed over to him, “You’re alright.”

Zoltar beamed and bumped wings with her affectionately, “Of course I am.”

Aww...lovely little scene to start things off with. I love a happy reunion and having it right at the start is always great in my book.

He looked up, his eyes meeting with Emerald’s sapphire blue ones. She was sitting on the ledge of one of the three windows lining the back wall, her scales a delicate mix of light purples and pistachio greens.

She smiled at him, but didn’t get to say anything as Shiraku grumbled, “Welcome back, Zoltar. Took you long enough.”

The Sea Talon was standing to his right by a stone platform, her webbed talons soaking in a large bowl of water.

Well...the whole gang is back together for the first time in a long time...I almost feel like this occasion should be getting celebrated more with that fact.

“We’ve been stuck in this room for ages,” She continued, wiping her turquoise snout with her dripping wet paws, “and all I have to keep my scales hydrated is this pathetic looking soup bowl. It’s not like I need the ocean. I’d kill for anything larger than my head, even a pond would do.”

“Oh Shiraku,” Emerald crooned mockingly, “I don’t think even a lake could fit that whining snout of yours.”

Shiraku scowled at the Wisp Talon and bared her fangs, “Why you…”

Well those two wouldn't last very long if they were imprisoned together for long...one would be dead before long.

“Dragonesses,” Felistia hissed warningly as she stepped between the Sea Talon and Emerald, “Please don’t start this again.”

“But,” Shiraku started, but stopped, a murderous scowl on her face, “Fine, but she started it.”

She flicked her webbed tail at Emerald, before resuming wetting her talons.

Emerald hissed quietly, but didn’t say anything as she curled her dappled green and purple tail over her talons.

“Sorry about that,” Felistia sighed, turning to face Zoltar again, “I guess we’re getting a little tired of being stuck in this room together.”

I love Felistia has gone full mother dragon with the other two...even apologizing for their bantering.

Emerald nodded from the middle windowsill. Shiraku didn’t respond, but her ears did prick up.

Zoltar huffed. He hadn’t thought about how claustrophobic it must get after a while of being stuck in here. Felistia had only been locked up a few days, but Shiraku and Emerald had been stuck together since he’d been in the Ice Talon Kingdom. No wonder they were starting to grate on each other’s nerves.

Hmm...poor fellows, at least they should be a lot freer soon enough.

“So, is he okay?” Felistia asked, staring intently at him with her deep gold eyes.

Zoltar stared at her for a moment before realizing what she was asking.

“Oh, right,” Zoltar exclaimed, walking over to the bed to sit down. He’d almost forgotten about Shriken, “He’s fine. He made it out without anyone seeing him and was waiting by Viper Rock like he said.”

“That’s good to hear.” Felistia’s wings relaxed and she breathed a deep sigh, “What did he say.”

Good to see Felistia concerned about her brother.

“He’s trying his best to get together the Wings of Freedom, but…” Zoltar stared at the floor. He’d been dreading telling her this, “Shiler’s declared all-out war on the Wind Talons because of the diamond. Lezeeru’s busy preparing her soldiers for war. They’ll meet the Ice Talon army in less than two days.”

He paused putting a wing over her back, “I’m sorry.”

Felistia’s gaze had darkened and her silver back spines had raised, “Oh.”

“I’m sure Shriken will be fine,” Zoltar said, trying to calm her.

Ouch, guess this is the point where we all realize that Felistia's going to be hit by that news the hardest.

“I know. He’s smart enough to take care of himself,” Felistia said, getting to her paws, “What did Lezeeru say about us?”

Zoltar tried to swallow the large lump building in his throat, “She said that you’d have to stay. She can’t guaranty that she’d have any Ice Talon support without you.”

Felistia nodded grimly, “Thought so. What about you?”

“She said that I, Emerald and Shiraku should try to get out of Wind Talon territory before sundown tonight.”

Well...he's taking his time beating around the bush a bit...come on Zoltar spit out already.

He took in a shaky breath and looked up to find that Shiraku was now staring at him with an unreadable expression.

Felistia looked miserable as she shuffled her talons on the marble floor.

“I didn’t accept her offer though,” Zoltar continued quickly, “I told her that I’d rather stay and fight with you.”

Well finally.

“But you shouldn’t,” Felistia said quietly, “This isn’t your fight and you have your quest. You’re tribe needs you.”

Zoltar flinched. He’d hoped she wouldn’t bring that up. It was taking everything he had not to accept the Queens offer to escape.

“I couldn’t leave you out here on your own,” Zoltar said, giving her a light head bump, “You helped me get the Diamond, now I’m going to help you.”

Felistia smiled, nuzzling him gently, “You have no idea how much that means to me.”

Ahh....that wholesome moment is worth the tribe potentially being destroyed...okay slight exaggeration but moments like these are my ultimate weak spot.

“Wait a second,” Shiraku suddenly burst out, spraying water all over the room as she stomped over, “If you stay, doesn’t that mean we have to as well?”

Zoltar glanced up at the Sea Talon and then at Emerald. She also had a questioning look on her snout.

“Well, no. Not really. The Queen has given you permission to leave if you wish. Just because I’m staying doesn’t mean you have to if you want to go.”

Hmm...I was wondering when that would come up.

“Good,” Shiraku snorted, “Because I’m not fighting some strange tribe’s war for them. I’ve got enough problems of my own.”

Zoltar turned to Emerald. Her scales were flashing white, gold and red. She turned away from his gaze, choosing to stare out the window.

Very appropriate reactions for the both of them.

Zoltar creased his snout as guilt gripped his chest. How must she feel knowing that he might not return from this battle? She was in a strange land without her tribe and he was the only one she trusted. Now he was essentially abandoning her... again.

Maybe this was a bad idea. He was betraying his tribe to help another one and was putting his friends in danger.

He couldn’t help Felistia now, but should he put Emerald’s and his life on the line to help her in a war that wasn’t even his?

Just then, the click of a key turning in the doors lock caught his attention.

Ahhhhh...nice cliffhanger to leave us on....soooo many conflicting emotions...this is going to be a lot of fun down the line.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a lot of fun to read as always, and I think this chapter was especially good with the way you handled the personality of each dragon. They've stayed amazingly consistent so far and all of that is paying off really well now.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry