Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Surge groaned for nearly the hundredth time on her journey as she landed to stretch her sore wings.
Looking over her shoulder she was thankful for her sleek scales and wings that allowed her to cut through wind and rain with ease. Her scales were mostly navy blue with a few streaks of white zig zagging across her sides and underbelly. She whipped her thick tail into a nearby tree making it shake, but she hardly felt the impact at all. Now she stretched out her dark blue wings and groaned again as she shook the tension out of them.
Why did the strongest warrior out of the guardians of the dragonets of prophecy have to fly halfway across the continent just to inform her leaders that the stupid representative of Queen Sear of the flame wings had finished his inspection of their secret hiding place?
The whole time he’d been in their cave she’d wanted to fry him with her lighting. In fact, she might have if they had been outside. Thankfully, for the snarky politician’s sake, they happened to be underground. If only the other Flame Wing, what was his name again? Ash? Yeah that sounded right. If only he’d been the representative she wouldn’t be in this terrible mood. He wouldn’t have used his position to force her to abandon her post just to report that he’d finished his inspection.
Having stretched out a bit Surge leapt into the air once more. She still had at least a day of flying ahead of her, but the closer she got the more she realised that she had been glad for a few weeks away from those worms. When they were hatchlings she had simply been annoyed as they crawled all over her and whined all the time. She was a warrior not a nanny why did they cry at her for anything? Go ask the sappy Wind wing guardian. Shear loved giving the prophecy brats her attention. Surge just could understand how any dragon could actually WANT to raise dragonets. Not that they had been all that bad as hatchlings.
Now that they were ten year old dragonets they had started developing an attitude and argued with her almost constantly. They couldn’t even keep their own cave clean most of the time and she was left to clean it herself! On top of that they weren’t allowed outside in case someone spotted them, and so, AGAIN, she had to go get food for them. And did they ever thank her? NO! Well, except for Aurora the Tree wing. She was a softy like Shear and too kind for her own good. How the dragon world was going to be saved by a dragon like that she’d never understand.
In fact, the only decent fighters in the group were the young Stone wing and Storm wing. The Wind wing was far to flighty, and the Ice wing couldn’t pull his snout out of a scroll long enough to defend himself, much less any other dragons.
Electricity crackled over Surge’s scales, and she shook herself to get rid of the stressful thoughts. She had more than enough stress already thank you. But it would all be worth it soon. The prophecy said that all the tribes would be united, and their disagreements quashed when the dragonets saved dragon kind. Then she could finally be with that hot flame wing she’d met.
Surge swooped in the air doing a small backflip as a rare smile showed on her face.
Hmmm! I wonder what he’s doing right now. Probably hunting food for hungry flame wing children or heroically killing monsters.
Surge was so lost in her happy thoughts that she almost missed someone calling her name.
“Surge! Surge! Hey guardian!”
She stopped and hovered looking around until she spotted a flame wing rising to meet her.
It was Ash.
“Surge! I need to speak with you,” Ash exclaimed tiredly as he caught up to her.
“Ash? I haven’t seen you since you went to escort that representative of Queen Sear back to the flame wing palace. And isn’t that a new piece of jewelry?” Surge asked curiously. It looked like Ash was quite tired. His face was strained and the gold circlet he was wearing looked awfully tight.
“Oh, you mean that waste of fresh air, Scorch? Yeah I made sure he got where he was going. As for the jewellery… well, let’s call it a reward of sorts.” Ash paused to catch his breath a little.
“Can we land for a bit? I’m quite tired after trying to catch you. I know a cave nearby where we can talk. I have something to ask you in private. A very powerful dragon sent me to present you with an offer but we’ll talk more inside.”
Surge nodded and Ash lead the way to a small cave at the base of one of the nearby mountains. Inside was a long narrow tunnel, which, after almost half an hour of walking, ended in a solid wall. Ash sat against one smooth wall of the tunnel and Surge sat against the opposite side.
“Ok Ash. What is this about. I must get back to the dragonets soon. You know as well as I do that those other two won’t stand a chance against a decent force of dragons without me, so speak quickly and clearly as I will only listen once.”
“Very well, listen closely. I was sent to present you with an offer. There is a powerful dragon who has recognised your skills and wants you to serve him. In return he will grant you whatever you desire. Fame, power, peace, revenge, love. Whatever you want.”
“Ha!” Surge scoffed. “Can this powerful dragon unify the storm wings and flame wings?”
“Yes, he can.” Ash replied in a completely serious tone. Surge’s eyes widened slightly as she realised Ash wasn’t joking. Now she had to seriously consider who this dragon could be, and whether she truly believed it was possible for any dragon to unite her with the one she loved.
“What kind of dragon are they? And what exactly do they want me to do?”
“They are a very old and powerful Night wing. Do you remember the stories of Night wings having special powers like mind reading and disappearing into shadows? He truly has those powers. But even more than that, he has evolved his mind reading far more than any other dragon in history! For him, it would be a simple task to unite two tribes.”
“Then why doesn’t this dragon just come in and save all the dragon tribes himself? And if he’s so powerful, why have I never heard of them before?” Surge argued suspiciously.
“Oh, I’m sure you’ve heard of them before. As for why he doesn’t save the tribes… well, he has his reasons, but just so you know. Uniting a few tribes is not the same as saving them,” Ash replied in an ominous tone.
Surge paused to consider his words, but Ash continued.
“Now that your question has been answered I await your response to the offer. I do hope you choose to serve. After all, it must have been hard to wait this many years to unite with the flame wing you love so much.”
Surge was shocked. At first she blushed and considered denying it but one look at Ash’s face and she knew there would be no point.
“H-how did you know?”
Ash smiled.
“All will be revealed if you choose to serve. Now, make your choice.” Ash said, offering his hand.
“This is all you’ve ever wanted right in front of your talons for the taking. This is your chance to secure your relationship with the one you love. Weren’t you going through all of this for him? Now is your chance. Who knows how long you’ll have to wait for some prophecy to be fulfilled. If you accept this offer, you and that hot flame wing will be united this very year. It’s just a small choice. Give in and accept my offer.”
The whole time Ash had been speaking his voice had taken on a soft, soothing, and enticing resonance. Almost, enchanting even. Everything she’d ever wanted was right there in front of her. Why shouldn’t she just… take it?
Then, in that moment, Surge heard a voice in her head. It was the voice of her old commander from when she was training to be a Storm wing warrior.
Don’t you dare give up or give in! A Storm wing never takes the easy way out! We fight for what is ours and work hard for it. That’s what makes us the strongest warriors of all dragon tribes. Now Fight!”
Surge looked down through the haze and saw her talon reaching out to take Ash’s seemingly of its own accord. An image flashed in her mind of her flame wing love reaching out to take her hand, but after a moment’s hesitation she pulled her hand back.
“No!” She cried, surprised at how much effort it had taken to stop pull away. Instantly the haze lifted, and she could think clearly again.
Ash looked frustrated and his face seemed twisted in disapproval. The dragon before her couldn’t be the Ash she knew. This wasn’t like him at all.
“Who are you?!”
Surge growled as she leapt towards the cave entrance to cut off his escape.
Ash sighed and his face took on a superior look of distain.
“That is none of your concern little Storm wing,” a voice spoke, sending chills down Surge’s spine all the way to the tip of her tail. The voice was coming from Ash’s mouth but now she could feel the powerfully evil aura he emitted. This dragon was strong and not to be underestimated.
However, neither was she.
Surge got into a fighting stance. Alert for any move he might make.
“Show me your true form coward! If you stay in Ash’s form like that you won’t be able to defeat me,” Surge growled threateningly.
The one controlling Ash’s body shook his head with a sigh.
“I am not going to fight you little Storm wing, however I cannot allow you to get in my way. If you would have at least agreed to stand aside for a while I could have let you go free. Sadly, I can see in your eyes that you have no intention of standing idly by. Such a waste of a powerful warrior. I suppose the best thing you can do for me now would be to provide a bit of entertainment in my arena.”
“Don’t think you’ll be getting out of here alive fool!” Surge growled. Then she heard shouts and the clink of metal against stone as a large group of something’s came down the tunnel. From their small steps and loud voiced Surge guessed they were humans.
“Ah, the dragon hunters have arrived. Well, I suppose I must take my leave before they reach us. I promised Ash he would be free as soon as I was done with him and so he will be. Take care of him won’t you? I’d hate for both of you to die before you even make it to my arena.”
The one controlling Ash’s body chuckled as he pulled the circlet off of Ash’s head. The sound of scales and flesh being torn off as the circlet left a crown shaped scar made Surge sick to her stomach, but she didn't see even a grimace on Ash's face.
“Where do you think you’re going? If I’m going down, you can be certain by all the great ancient dragons that I’ll be taking you with me!” Surge roared defiantly. Ash’s body smiled sinisterly as blood dripped down his face.
“Going? Why would I need to go anywhere? I was never even here in the first place," the evil dragon whispered with a sinister smile. Then Ash’s body took a deep breath, held up the circlet with the green gem set into it, and roared with fire breath so strong Surge instinctively took a step back. The gold melted almost immediately and the green gem grew very fragile.
The dragon controlling Ash’s body didn’t even cry out in pain as his talon and wrist turned black from the heat. Then he looked in Surge’s eyes one last time.
“Fear not Storm wing warrior. I’ll make sure those you were meant to guard shall suffer no worse than you until you see them again. You should pray that the next time you do see them it is not in the afterlife.” He growled coldly as he crushed the green gem to dust.
“AAAHHHHHHGG!” Ash cried in his own voice this time. He screamed in pain as Surge quickly moved to protect him from the humans who had just come into view around a bend in the tunnel.
“W-what’s going on? I-I just remember something was in my head. He, he’s in my head! Ahhhh! Somebody! Help me!” Ash cried. Tears streaming down his face.
The humans were excitedly preparing to attack, and they had all kinds of strange weapons and nets with them. The evil dragon had said they were dragon hunters. Surge had heard about them, but she’d always believed humans were far too weak to be any kind of threat. However, now…
In a confined space, without her lighting, and having to protect Ash. Not to mention how many humans there were and the weapons they carried.
Surge growled low and ferocious.
Despite all the odds stacked against her. Surge was still a Storm wing warrior, and she wasn’t about to go down without a fight.
Her growl became a mighty roar that seemed to shake the whole mountain. Then, having sounded her battel cry, she charged.
end
Sorry for the cliffhanger. These are side stories to my book and I haven't written far enough to have the next one ready yet. Though I may do a few unrelated side stories about some other characters if asked for it. Or perhaps the origin of the hooded dragons and how they came to be under the evil dragon king's control. Let me know in the comments!
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hello again, my friend!
WOW. That was the first thing I had to say, is just WOW!
This was such an intense chapter, and that cliffhanger was absolutely wild! You actually got me to like Surge (not that I was totally against her character to begin with, but I had my suspicions, haha). So, to my understanding, the crown-like band works as soon as it's placed on a dragon, and the effects continue -even if the crown is removed- until the gem is shattered. That is an interesting note. I could imagine a cool scene in the future playing off of that.
The way you described how Ash's body was being used, with complete disregard for the pain that was being inflicted on him, made for such a cringe-worthy moment while also implying that the "dragon king" does not have a lot of empathy for his puppets. I mean, if this is how he treated Ash, god knows what he'll do to Scorch.
Speaking of Ash, even though I've only read about him in one chapter of the main story, then both of these short stories, I am already attached to him. It really made me anxious to see what would happen, when he was wounded and panicking from the mind control.
Ah, and that eerie taunt about Surge's old Flame Wing lover! It implies that the dragon king has access to a lot of information, even stuff that should be secret, which is a really scary idea. Or Scorch knew and told him. Or said lover has come across the dragon king himself, which is interesting to consider from the perspective of Surge's character specifically...Or I'm wrong on all ends and you'll surprise me; whatever the answer is, I would like to find out!
I also like how open-ended these clues are, hence the reason I like pointing them out; it's enough for the reader to imagine some wild turnouts, capturing their attention, but enough of a mystery to keep them reading. That shows writing skill, there ~
Finally, getting to see more human involvement in these dragon disputes is bound to be interesting, and I'm curious how formidable of an opponent they'll be to dragons -especially one like Surge. Would one human be a threat, or would it take ten? Does it just vary? Do humans have interesting weapons or strategies, to help take down dragons specifically? It's fun to think about.
I have nothing to say on structure or anything, the story was gripping all the way through and kept me at the edge of my seat. Though there was a little grammar error (or at least, a sentence in need of clarification) toward the beginning.
"Why did the strongest warrior out of the guardians...just to inform her leaders that the stupid representative of Queen Sear of the Flame Wings had finished his inspection of their secret hiding place."
~ This question is missing a question mark, but that is all I noticed ~
So tense! Awesome short story/chapter!
Thanks! So glad you enjoyed
Hey there,
First of all, wow you did an awesome job here! The portrayel of the dragons, the vivid descriptions they all fit so nice together as a puzzle. I really like your nave above everything else. Ash and Surge. Amazing.
Now lets get this review started, shall we?
Woaaaaaaa. This is so great. The way you just start summing up all the thoughts of her head, is such a great detail. The way this is written I can see you really took your time writing this, its so diligent yet interesting.
I really liked this start. IT gives your story another look and it is also an amazing way to open your story. It puts readers themself to thinking. I really liked this.
Her name is also amazing, Surge. I mean it sounds so dragony, fierce, bold and sweet in all. I think it is the best name for a dragon.
Oehhhhhhhhh, here is a great turn. Surge has a friend, Ash. He seems sweet, offering her to be with the hot flame itself. But I have a feeling this is not real.
What if she is dreaming?
What if she is hallucinating?
What if Ash is an ghost?
But he seems so honest and sweet as if he only wants the best out of the best for Surge.
(THat is what is making me have a funny feeling about him. Wait, imma ask my spider under my bed in his cobweb.
"Hey Spidey, what do you think about Ash here?"
He blinked two times, I supppose that means, I am not sure about him. Oehhhhh, spookkkyyy.
"Thanks Spidey, I will stay on my guard." )
PLOT TWIST SPIDEY>>>>>> OMGosh, Ash was/ is being controlled by some evil force. This is so not fair, but thank god. Spidey warned me.I knew this was coming. (THanks spidey!)
OOOOHHHH Nohhh, does that mean if the controller slams its head on a stone, Ash will feel the pain not the controller? THat is not fair.
Good job Surge! You found out somone is freakin' controllin' ya' friend.
I feel so bad for ASH though....................
No way, the controller is an meany. I really dont like him or her. Why is he doin' this to poor poor poor Ash.
I really don't like this anymore. Ash seemed so sweet in tha beginning. I was thinking he was a nice friend for Surge.
That is so mean of the controller using Ash like that. He deserves to rot in jail or getting his heart stabbed.
Poor Ash!!!
Whaaaaaaaaaaattttttt? It's the end alreadie? Nooooo. What happend to Ash.......I don't like this.
Poor Ash is being left alone in pain and horror. NOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH.
I want more.
Overall, you did a great job making this story as realistic as possible and I really liked your descriptions. They were very vivid and I could imagine myself in them every time over and over again. I think your pacing of the story was great too and your revealing of the twists was amazing too. Your writing style is of master class and I really liked this story a lot. <3333333333
Keep writing! Keep up the amazing job! Have a nice day or night!
Magically yours,
Rinisha
Thanks so much for the review! I loved Spidey too, so cute!
If you want to know more the story before this your should read the first part of Darkness Rising: Darkness rising. (Ash's encounter with the evil king of dragons)
It will give you some context and a bit more about Ash and the bad guy.
Greetings @dragonight9,
You seem to be a pretty big fan of dragons and fantasy, and luckily for me, so am I. Fantasy is one of my favorite story genres, so I am glad to have stumbled upon this fascinating fantasy tale.
To create a whole other world about things that would probably be considered impossible and dragons that can have their own personalities takes a very big and creative imagination. And you definitely have that.
Now to the story, and I must say that I really enjoyed reading it. It had everything a good fantasy story needs, a quest, a villain, a hero, an (unsolved) mystery, a well-crafted fantasy world, and not to forget the suspense.
Most of the time, too much detail completely ruins a story and makes it too tedious to read.
But your story has just the perfect amount, it is not too much but also not too little. I have to admit, your attention to detail is very impressive. Your description of Surge is very vivid, which makes the story even more interesting to read.
After describing Surge's appearance, you tell us more about her character. It seems that she has a very high title and a long one too, "strongest warrior out of the guardians of the dragonets of prophecy".
Ash doesn't seem to be the only one with a grudge against Scorch. He calls him a waste of fresh air and Surge wants to turn him into a fried dragon XD.
And then the part where she thinks about how she's the strongest warrior and not some nanny, as well as the ten year old dragonets who take things for granted, except for Aurora of course. I can see that Surge has a very interesting sense of humor.
The names you chose for the dragons are very rare and simple, but also the names for the types of dragons are unique, such as "Stone Wing", "Ice Wing", but also "Storm Wing".
However, I'm not quite sure who you're referring to with the name Shear.
A propechy is also one of the things that makes a good fantasy story, and you definitely didn't leave that out. You've created a very intriguing propechy.
One small critique over here, you might consider putting a comma between "already " and "thank you".
This is where the suspense begins. Of course, Surge doesn't know that Ash is not himself anymore and that he is controlled by a very evil dragon.
And even though Ash is a really nice person, Surge should definitely not go near him right now. The golden circlet is a very unique element of your story.
The offer from the mighty Night Wing is very, very tempting. Scorch, being a narcissist, accepted without hesitation. I'm glad Ash didn't, it's just really awful that he was forced to serve the Night Wing.
Surge still has the whole world ahead of her and a lot to accomplish, so I understand why she wanted to accept the offer at first. But it's such a relief that she didn't, her old commander spoke to her just in time.
But only if she had known that the Night Wing wouldn't give up so easily...
You created a very different kind of Van Helsing, and now we have the dragon hunters. I suppose they do as much damage to dragons as the "Van Helsings" do to vampires. Ash and Surge are in big trouble.
The Night Wing is just a ruthless dragon, it literally tore the flesh out of Ash. That really must have really hurt if As could feel it.
I have a suggestion for the part here down here:
This part is well written, but you could try a revision that keeps the main parts of the original but adds more emotion and atmosphere. You can make readers feel the emotions and atmosphere more deeply. This way, readers can better connect with the characters and the scene.
Here is an example:
You left your readers with a cliffhanger, but it's a side story, so I get it. But that doesn't mean I'm not overly curious to see what happens next. I'll say it again if I have to, but you have a very creative imagination. You brought a whole story of fantasy and dragons to life! Congratulations on pulling it off!
You're a very talented writer. Keep on doing what you do!
Me,
Red Riddle Rose
Thanks for the review, I am so glad to see you enjoyed.
I'll definitely take what you pointed out into consideration