Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,509 Literary Works • 673,268 Reviews
Interesting use of indentation. Some words felt a bit too spaced-out ("stream of forever" in particular), but it really reinforced how stretched-out certain moments were/felt without feeling gimmicky.
There were a tense shifts, however, that were really distracting. For instance, "Until my dismaying clock / started stammering:" shifts to past when the previous lines were in present. In the case of, "my dirges begin to chime / and never becomes lost", "becomes" is the wrong numbered verb to use. "Dirges" is plural, so the correct form would be "become" without the "s".
These little things all added up and detracted from the poem, but overall, this was quite interesting. With some tweaking and fixing of the tenses, this poem would be really good.
I really enjoyed this poem. It wasn't like I expected. It was a bit depressing with the mentioning at the end of a lost love. However, you didn't over exaggerate the situation or become whiny and needy (like I've read in other poems). I loved the metaphor about a "broken clock." It was genius and exciting. The unique spacing of the words "tick" and "tock" added a signature touch to this poem.
Keep writing,
Nessa
(My signature because it won't attach onto my post) TuckEr EllsworTh