That's so gay.
The swaying of your hips,
the way you move your lips.
That's so gay.
The way you dress,
the way you’ll never confess.
That's just so gay,
the way that you talk,
the way you walk.
The way someone shoves
you in a headlock,
shattering your skull with
the laughing brick of
conformity.
As your crimson tears,
and helpless screams,
are silenced in the gleaming
stench of burning flesh
and gasoline.
That's... so… gay.
Homophobic slurs first plagued
my mind in third grade:
I pledge allegiance, to the flag,
that Michael Jackson is a fag...
Who can wheeze scream and gag,
like some filthy drag.
Tortured by laws and encased
in homophobic walls.
Imprisoned in one nation,
under god,
unchangeable,
with liberty and justice
for all white straight male Americans.
Do you have any idea
what you do when you say:
That's so gay.
While fags slash
their wrists and scream,
they're muted by
your dividing wall.
Built from hate and lies,
held to together with
the mortar of suicide.
While the leaking crimson tears,
from fags and queers,
streak and stain the wall.
It creates a mural for
our theocracy's laws.
Built upon the tombs and stones
of those who died in disguise.
Choking on the poisonous
black plumes from
your perfect society.
Disintegrating in the
venom seeping from
your toxic tongues.
Crumpling into flittering ashes,
and devoured by
the seething gas of
first class citizens.
Sticks and stones will break my bones,
but words will destroy my soul.
Leaving me a worthless hole,
waiting for my dirges to toll.
When the clock strikes twelve,
I'll free myself from this ungodly hell,
while dying in land of the free,
that excludes me.
I don't want to fight,
for what I know is right.
To convince some majority
to grant me my individuality.
I can't want to feel
what it is like,
to be free.
While being me.
P.S: Ok so I just did some major editing to this piece, I still feel like it's a little long for my usual writing style but if you think I can get by with it let me know. Also my beginning is so incredibly weak an I'm not sure how to smoothly transition into my third stanza. It's suppose to be a bit of a leap but clearly I take far too big of a leap. Help please! I've been editing this piece on and off for about two months now and I'm making some headway now but I'm really kinda stuck in a jam. Also please judge this poem for it's content and how it's written rather then the topic. If you don't like the language I use, I'm terribly sorry because I think it'a necessity to the power of my piece even though it's a touchy topic. Although let me know if you think I use too much off this vulgar language. Happy reading!
This is so well written yet painful to read. Because it's true. The fact you say you don't want to fight for what is right to save yourself at least a little.
Every time I saw the word fag it just slapped me in the face and the phrase "That's so gay", too. It's ridiculous how much these words are used in society to say something is lame or awkward. On the other hand, fag is just...making my skin itchy (but I understand why you used it in the poem, no need to apologize for vulgar language)
I really wish, we all (homosexuals I mean) could just breathe freely, not hidden behind jokes and wanting to die when hearing fags, queers. Trying to "act straight". I wish someone actually said this out loud, screamed it out loud in every single school, workplace, everywhere. Make people stop viewing homosexuality as something less-human, something dirty and laughable.
I'm sorry if this got too long and I hope you're doing well!
Hello!
This poem blew me away. People don't realize how harmful of a phrase "that's so gay" actually is. As Macklemore said in "Same Love", "gay is synonymous with the lesser." This needs to change. People don't realize this adds to why there is still homophobia in 2016.
Every time you used the word fag it was like a slap in the face. It made the reader uncomfortable, but I felt that was a good thing. If they're uncomfortable reading it, they should be uncomfortable hearing or saying it.
Not going to lie, the way your poem started, I thought it was going to be more romantic. I thought you were going to use "that's so gay" like a compliment, if you will; as if to say "that's so gay, and I love it." I'm happy with how gritty the poem got, but I thought the reclaiming of "that's so gay" could be an interesting concept to explore.
The ending to the poem was powerful and moving. Fight for the right to be yourself. Always.
Hi, dogs.
I like the style that you wrote this in. It's really cool. I feel that it is a necessity to use that
kind of language. Some people never really think about how this topic affects some people and their families. I really like this poem. Keep on writing.
-Saphire
Hi there, again, dogs.
I had some time to look at this again, and I decided I would, since you revised it.
As I said in my previous review, it just seems to get serious much too quickly. The fourth stanza (which I love dearly) and the third stanza could be switched to great effect. I feel like the fourth one eases us into all this imagery of despair.
That's a stinger. Good one. Yow.
You asked about this part. All I can tell you is to describe what the hips/lips are doing, and how "the way you dress" is gay. Unfortunately, I'm not a master of slam poetry. Since this IS slam poetry, though, you also have a physical aspect to it. When you perform it, illustrate with your body. Give a kind of sarcastic feel to it. Be nasty. Be mean. You can sashay and blow kisses all day up there. That's all I got. Sorry I couldn't be of more help to your beginning.
This line doesn't strike me right. It's weird. Does it turn you into a hole? or does it GIVE you a hole? It sounds strange as it is.
Well, I know that was short, and I'm sorry I couldn't help you with what you asked. If I think of anything, I'll tell you right away.
I'll see you around, dogs. =)
Heya Dogs!
It was much better than I was expected and overall I really liked the poem. The meaning behind it was really strong and bought across beautifully. My favourite line was "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will destroy my soul." I loved how you turned a well known quote into something clever and extremely true.
I see you have quite a lot of feedback already. Glad to know you finally posted it
If I hadn't read through the previous reviews I would've nitpicked, but I think they've already covered everything and I wouldn't want to repeat.
I do agree that the third grade part we were talking about has a good change, but it still feels awkward. I'm not much help in how it should change though :/ I really liked this poem though. And the length was good! It meant you had enough space to show everything you needed too with cramming it all in a few words.
Deanie x
Hi dogs! Since you reviewed my piece thought I'd return the favor!
Overall, I really like this. I think it has a good rhythm, and the transition in the third stanza works for me. I also think the language was used effectively, although it might require a rating warning.
I feel like I see "crimson tears" a lot in terrible cutting poems, so it doesn't seem very powerful to me. I'd try replacing it with something stronger.
This doesn't flow well as written. Maybe something like "That's so gay/Even back in third grade/I heard other kids say..."
I don't know if you changed the first word on purpose, but the pledge says "indivisible", which I think highlights your point even more (clearly people are divided on this issue). As for the last line, it's a good concept but it's awkwardly worded. I might play back into the "you're so gay" here: "...for all,/unless of course, you're so gay."
I'm pretty sure I've seen/heard this exact phrasing in "Don't Say Gay" PSA's. It might be interesting to contrast a negative usage (where "gay"="dumb or stupid") like "That's so gay/that you broke a nail" with what it actually does to people (the rest of the stanza). Actually, if you're concerned about a weak beginning, you could do this here too.
I assume the first "to" was a typo. Otherwise, I love this line.
Nitpick: First line should just be "tombstones". Also, it's a fragment, which confuses me. What's built on these tombstones? Society? I like the idea here, but I had to reread it several times. Obviously a spoken word audience is not going to have that luxury. The ending is what threw me off the most. I think you could end with the ashes image "The venom from your toxic tongues disintegrates us into ashes".
Hope my comments made sense and helped! Keep writing (and killing the review leaderboards haha)!
Hello dogs, I'm kayfortnight.
I really liked how you managed the rhyme scheme. First, you had it rhyming, and very well, I have to add, since you didn't compromise your meaning. Then in this stanza,
the rhyming stopped. I also liked how it stopped at the same moment the poem got darker. Both of them together provided a sudden jolt to the reader, as if somebody's waving their hands in the air, shouting, "Pay attention!"
The fourth stanza made it a little weird, though, with the rhyme scheme constantly fluctuating.
This part doesn't have any rhyming, which is okay until you get to this part
When you're hit with a barrage of rhyme, and then
It stops again. I wouldn't mention it except it doesn't feel like it's to prove any point in particular. (The variation in rhyme, not the words themselves.)
A rhyme pattern of A,B,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,J,K,L,M. Out loud, it all sounds fine until you get to theocracy's laws. When you read it, that last line proves a stumbling block. When you read poetry aloud, your voice takes on this rhythm. If it's not intentional, I'd suggest adding and subtracting syllables from that line until you can read it aloud and feel like it fits.
I absolutely love the imagery in the next stanza. No suggestions there. This one's definally my favorite.
ABBBCCDD. Sounds great aloud except for the last line. Again, the verbal stumbling block, although for this one I can pinpoint exactly where the stumble's from. Too short.
The last two stanzas are great, no suggestions for them either.
As to your questions at the end, I absolutely loved the transition. People deserve to be shocked once in a while, and your transition takes away the apathy people can feel when looking at what they think is another love poem at first. And the language is perfect. It's not so heavy that it detracts from the piece, but it's a serious enough problem that you have to make people know there's something wrong.
I hope my review was helpful, and sorry about obsessing over the rhyming, but there are so many poems that don't do it as well as you do here.
Hi, dogsy!
The fourth stanza is your best. It really shows how all the prejudices of the older generations filter down to sully the minds of the children. And we say that the children are our future. The future is being tainted with our past.
The third stanza really jumped into everything too fast after the two small stanzas at the beginning. I was like, whoa! Hold everything! Call the paramedics! While I should be angry at the injustice, I was astounded at how fast it got serious. (this was my face: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/33990611.jpg)
My suggestion is to expand on the fourth stanza. I like the specific, narrative examples you've got going there, and I want more.
The rest of your poem is like a punk band's lyrics. It's very anti-government (which I can understand), but also kind of generic. There aren't as many images or specific examples, which will go a long way in slam poetry. Stories always keep the audience's interest more than yelling curses at the government (which is more effective if you wear leather jackets, combat boots, and safety pins in your ears).
The first two little stanzas aren't really doing it for me. Be more descriptive and specific. But not too much. Just a little.
I don't think you used too many vulgar terms in here. You did what you had to. The words are used with intention behind them, so it's okay. Also, the way you used them added impact to what you were saying. Don't worry about being vulgar.
Altogether, it needs some work, but it's salvageable. I really really like that fourth stanza. It's probably because I remember hearing about Michael Jackson's scandal in the fourth grade, and I can totally relate to what you're saying there. But I digress.
I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting!