Franklin trembled at his father’s bedroom door with his fluffy teddy bear clutched in his arms. His tiny infant hand reached out as he mumbled, “Daddy, the monsters are back. I heard them in my closet.” His father looked up at him from his newspaper. His face crinkled in an understanding smile and his aqua eyes softened as he removed his ancient reading glasses.
“Come on Franky, let me show you how to get rid of those pesky monsters,” his father said as he gently took Franklin by the hand.
10 years later
Franklin quickly drew in short breaths of panic as he rushed into his father’s cramped office. “Dad, the monsters are back. They tormented me at work today,” he said with fear spiked in his voice.
“Come here Franklin, I’ll show you how to get rid of those ruthless monsters.” His father boomed as he beckoned to Franklin with a firm hand.
10 years later
Franklin wiped a sorrowful tear from his gaunt face and hurried into his father’s hospital room. “Dad, the monsters are back,” he began in a violently trembling voice, “they’re back!” The salty tears didn’t stop. “And now….now they’ve got you Dad.” Franklin finished before engulfing his face in his calloused hands.
A ghost of a whisper could be heard in the small room, “come here Frank.” Franklin looked up through a film of tears and saw his father’s bright cancer bracelet hanging off of his bony hand. Franklin shuffled over to his father’s bed and bent down by his cracked lips.
“I won’t tell you the monsters aren’t real, you know that,” his father said in a gravelly
mumble,“but I will tell you this, I helped you fight your monsters. Now help me fight mine.”
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Wow I really liked this its creative its sweet I understand how this got on the most liked list.
Its a clever way to think about how childhood can affect manhood. Its quite sad and its a very powerful last line "but I will tell you this, I helped you fight your monsters. Now help me fight mine.” It almost echo's in the back of your mined. And I don't know weather you knottiest but you have been at YWS for exactly a year now hip hip hurray.
-TGS
Thank you, I am glad you enjoyed it!
dbrick, I love the concept of this piece. I like how you use the time lapses as well. To be quite honest, though, this reads, to me, more like an outline for a longer story. This leaves the reader wanting to know more, and wanting to read more. You have the perfect set-up here; all you need to do now is elaborate. You have great description and great dialogue so far. I would just like to see you elaborate on this and make something more out of it. Don't just leave this outline to rot! Run with this one! I feel that this is a great idea! Readers can easily identify with the "monsters" part of the story, which is a big plus!
-FireFox
Thanks for the review! I am actually brainstorming right know on how to expand this.
Hello. I'll be writing a simple review for this enjoyable short story.
.
When I first began to read this I remembered the many nights I was kept awake by the "monsters" of my closet, Their relentless scratching at the walls in my house ( which were later found to be a small group of squirrels who made my attic their home). The repetition of this also as stated by other reviewers helped the story flow. It was kept short but meaningful. The story gave me the feeling it was in a cycle. Frank now with his own son must teach him the monsters aren't real, In time however his son must tell Frank the monsters aren't real and so on and so forth. Stories don't have to be long to be wonderful and you have proven that statement.
Please keep writing
Thanks!
Hi! Cheetah here for a review on your story!
I really enjoyed reading this! As VeniVidiVici said the repetition really helps the story flow forward. I especially liked the end.
There's a small spacing error here, but that can be easily fixed. The thing I loved is how the father got rid of Franklin's monsters, so now he wants franklin to help him with his. I really, really liked that idea.
Great read! Can't wait for more from you!
Thanks for the input!
I loved this story! The repetition moved the story forward nicely. It allowed me to anticipate what was coming while at the same time guessing. I'm unsure why you didn't show us how he helped fight the monsters. I'll just enjoy the mystery of it. It is the perfect length. The ending was magnificent. These short paragraphs already attached me to this father. Overall very well done.
I can only offer a few improvements. I would have liked more visual descriptions. Instead of the worn face, maybe describe the wrinkles in his eyes, or the purple beginning to show. Also the ellipses you used to show the passing of time aren't really used to indicate time passing. ellipses are used when a character has trailed off, or indicate a thought that wasn't finished. Great story, interesting and emotional.
Thank you for the review! Thanks for pointing out the ellipses. The reason that I didn't say how he helped him fight the "monsters" was because I felt like we all have those "monsters" in our life and getting specific about what they are or how to fight them (in the context of this story) would take away from the emphasis on each readers own struggles or "monsters". I will definitely try to add more detail next time. Do you now if it is possible to edit a published work? Thanks again!
To edit a piece after it has been posted go to publishing center at the top there. Then find your piece, click on it and you should be able to re-write anything you wish. I am not sure if you'll be double-posting the story, or if it will replace the old version though. Also yeah I had the feeling that was your intention. Edit the piece, there are no great first writes, only great re-writes!:)
Thanks!