Eleven Little Words

by dbrick

Published April 6, 2014

In Short Stories 1

Will you say yes?

I wonder aloud,

Will you accept my love,

And be forever bound?

I finger the roses,

Feel the gentle breeze,

Walk the stone path,

I can barely pick up my feet.

The ring in my pocket,

So bright and pristine,

Calls out for a proposal,

A blessing in the Spring.

I struggle and doubt,

Will she really love me,

Day in and day out?

I will ask her, yes,

What a good plan that will be.

I finally walk up,

Looking into her deep brown eyes,

I say, "Do you love me the way that I love you?

To the bottom of the ocean and all the way to Pluto?"

Those pools of brown shone and shimmered,

And yet she said not a word.

"Do you love me the way that I love you?

To save you I would swim the ocean blue,

To rescue, a hundred men I would lay waist to."

Again she only looked and didn't speak,

Until I looked at her expectantly,

To which she did she utter but eleven quite, little words:

"I do not love you the way that you love me."

I stood there in shock, utterly confused,

The ring in my pocket completely unused.

"I'm sorry, it just was not meant to be," she apologized to me.

Maybe your right, but what I told you was in all sincerity.

Comments & reviews · 6
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LunaClipse
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LunaClipse wrote a review Review · Apr 7, 2014

Now, there were a few errors. Such as the "your" instead of "you're" in the last sentence. Aside from that, this was a pretty nice poem of love and rejection. From the title, I had no idea what those words would be. In some of these poems, there is a recovery from the heartbreak. An add-on to the sentence. While this one had none, and it worked exactly as it was stated. This struck a nerve deep in my heart. The emotion packed into these words was astounding. It is something that can be personally related to by many. Though I have never had an event as big as this, I am familiar with the feeling of rejection. All in all, I really did like this poem.

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Awsomesauseness
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Awsomesauseness commented Comment · Apr 6, 2014

Wow this was awesome
It was emotional and sad to.
You had me there I really thought that she was going to say yes and that twist was good.
Its extremely beautiful in every way I can imagine.
I have nothing bad to say about this. cant wait to read more of your stuff if its like this one.

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sabrina738 Comment
sabrina738 commented Comment · Apr 6, 2014

I loved it, its really a quit romantic little poem until she say she doesn't love him back. good job on the poem

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Em101cats
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Em101cats wrote a review Review · Apr 6, 2014

I hated it.


...JUST KIDDING, I LOVED IT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I loved the way the title got me curious and I read it. I was surprised with the sad twist and the words in italics. Most poems just end in yes, but yours is unique and creative! Congrats for being the first person to think of this!


I completely got shocked when the girl was silent, and then said she didn't love him the way he loved her and that is wasn't meant to be. I thought that was perfectly sad, meaningful, BEAUTIFULLY put together. Just a suggestion, but maybe you should make another poem as a sequel to this where the girl searches far and wide for another love, then finds out she really DOES love the boy who loves her. That would blow me away so much that I would instantly follow you and like both poems a bagazillion times. If you can even do that o_O lol.

I loved this! Congratulations, you earned yourself a like from me!

~Em101cats~

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Moneypwnzb
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Moneypwnzb wrote a review Review · Apr 6, 2014

Thank you! For ruining my night! >.< Why couldn't this have been a happy ending with her saying something sweet, or simply "Yes"? UGH. All in all, I loooove this poem! The part that I really loved more than anything was definitely:
"Do you love me the way that I love you?

To save you I would swim the ocean blue,

To rescue, a hundred men I would lay waist to."
Cause wow. That's just amazing, a true description of what it feels like to be in love, how one would stop at nothing to save the person he loves.
Honestly, you broke my heart at the end, but I loved it.
Grammar wise, in the last line it needs to be "you're" not "your", but I love that line. You made an excellent poem dbrick! I hope to see more stuff like this, as it was truly great.
Keep writing!
-Vinnie

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maryanne
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maryanne wrote a review Review · Apr 6, 2014

Hey there dbrick! :)

FIRST OF ALL! the title totally caught my eye, good job :) It's unique. I still can't find the eleven words though if it's there at all haha.
The structuring in this poem is very good and the opening has a great hook. It quiet literally reeled me in to read the rest of it. Not many stories or poems that I've read have that :)
Also, the way you described everything, just wow. It gave me a vivid imagery of what you actually wanted the readers to imagine. I also liked the dialogue haha it's so catchy and just fun to read if you know what I mean :) I felt the love the male character has for the female and I just wanted to squeal. But you stabbed my feelings repeatedly when the female didn't say anything. :( BUT THAT WASN'T THE END OF IT. I thought she'd say something really sweet in the end like, "Omg, I like you from where we stand to the next galaxy." or something like that. But nooooo YOU DROPPED THE WHOLE "I'm sorry, it just was not meant to be," SO SUDDENLY THAT I FELT TEARS IN MY EYES LIKE LEGIT. omg. just omg. That was a great poem dbrick! :D



Life is about losing everything.
— Isabel Allende