here I am, but you won't care.
there I sat, but you won't stare.
i'll hold your hand, but you can't feel
my presence, like I'm UNREAL.
now I'm beside you, but you won't look.
I'll come to hug you, but you just shook.
I'm singing a song, but you won't hear
and it will make my eyes TEAR.
why can't you see me, like I'm imaginary?
why can't you feel or hear me?
I wonder why, but every time I try
it only makes me CRY.
now I know what is wrong
why we can't get along.
I'm invisible, but only to you.
it seems impossible, but it's true.
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140,962 Literary Works • 673,784 Reviews
Wow, dude, you really have a talent!!!! This is like, amazing! I love it when I come to a poem and find nothing wrong with it. All I want is a little more salsa. more rainbow words! Make it interesting. That's the only possible critique I can give you...because I had to find something wrong with it to review it xD
Hope you keep writing more like this!
Love and Stuff~
Kammie
Wow. Good job! If this is what you really feel or what really happened to you, I'm sorry. Maybe some deep meaningful words to paint it clearer?
I like how you can instantly see what potential this poem has. There were a few grammerical mistakes. I enjoyed reading this and I think that it's relatable and heart-wrenching. I'm sorry that you had to go through this but I'm glad that you got this inspriation out of it. Keep writing.
this is really good, but also pretty sad. what made you come up with it?
Great start! I like where your'e coming from, but I think a few meaningful words would help. I truly understand your work and i love it!
It's really good and sad, it reminded me of my ex boyfriend. I really liked it.
Hey there!
Okay, so I have to say that the idea of this poem does have potential. When you think of invisibility, you can come up with any number of awesome ways you could use poetic devices (yay, similes!) to expand and create some really wonderful stuff.
Unfortunately, the way you've written it at the moment doesn't take advantage of the potential of the subject choice, and rather seems to go down a pretty cliché and self-pitying route. I'd like it better if you stopped focusing on the questions and the very basics of what you're trying to say, and went a little deeper so that you really squeeze out some meaning from this poem.
One of the things that I think is blocking you at the moment is the rhyme scheme. Most of the time, rhyme is just a barrier to you getting some really great stuff out of a poem. It means you have to twist your ideas to fit in with it, and most of the time this just doesn't work. I would recommend scrapping the rhyme, and trying to write this without it.
Going back to what I said before, I think that this poem is a little unlike-able because it's very self centred. The narrator doesn't really expand on what may have happened, or on many emotions apart from sadness, it's just a straight out: 'you don't like me'. You should try to make it more complex so that it can reflect someone's true attitude towards a situation like this, rather than just focusing in on one, rather apathetic, emotion.
I also agree with Tenyo - the end is kind of a let down. You have a lot of unanswered questions throughout the poem, so why not try to answer them in the latter half?
So, I hope this helps! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
-Amy
Hey Angel.
My first suggestion would be to unbold the bold parts. When your reader first looks at the poem, they're the first three words they see. Since there's nothing to connect these three words, there's little point in making them stand out so much.
It's a nice poem overall, but while reading it, it seemed to be building up to a climax that never really happened. My initial thought was 'why can't this person see or feel?' But there wasn't really any spectacular reason why. Maybe you could use your original feelings and inspiration, but with a different ending?
It's your poem, your choice, but that's what I think it would most benifit from.
Hope this helps.
-Ten