Hi darkangel, here to review!
So, this was different. But a good kind of different of course, I mean even though I'm not sure if this should be a poem, it's still pretty interesting. I guess it's the kind of thing I'd imagine performed rather than written- is that what you were going for? In any case, it's still pretty cool although a tad confusing.
I'll start off my critiques with a couple of nitpicks.
I don't need a mirror
That would tell me who is
The weakest of all.
I know it's me.
I am the weakest.
We don't really need that underlined line because we can already gather from the previous information that she's the weakest.
Watch your pony!
I know you're a great...
Jumper.
I don't think the ellipse is really necessary here.
I guess my main issue here is I don't really understand what's going on half the time. I mean, the lines are really short and I think cut off way to early to then go onto the next line and makes it all quite frantic and rushed. Maybe that's what you were going for, I don't know. So yeah, rather than blurting out random words and having only one word on every line you could stead have more words on a line to explain the initial idea more clearly.
Wow!
This is so cool!
I'm so close right now to being—[...]
He—
This stanza (I cut it short a bit for space sake, well basically I didn't really like how there were so many exclamation marks. This made is so frantic and I didn't really know what was going on. And I think with exclamation marks, they're best used in minimality (is that a word?), sure they're really effective, but not when they're used all the time!
Oh, also, if you were to add anything I'd say maybe some more descriptions. Well, you've got some good stuff already, and good imagery, however I'd like to see more colours and adjectives to describe things that would really put a picture in the readers head.
Overall, this was a rather humerous piece and I can imagine it being performed really well. Next steps would be to perhaps add some more description. As always, I hope this review helped and feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review.
Keep on writing!
-Arc x
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