Said a child to his tummy,
"Calling the attention of that little one
Rolling in the depths of my gut—
Enjoy it!
Washed up in nectar already, are ya?
Take your time.
Headmasters will chase you with their glass jars, my buddy.
Erase! Erase!
Pray for a better place!
About leaving— have you thought about that yet?
Summon those gentle wings.
Take that last drop of fear with you."
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139,778 Literary Works • 672,756 Reviews
I like the title
I'll admit, this was a little confusing to me. First you're talking about a child and his tummy, then you're talking about glass jars, then gentle wings. I felt like this poem had no subject or topic. To me it felt like just random words being typed onto a page. It was good, but it didn't make sense. You are a great writer, and your style may be writing stories that are vague and mysterious. I enjoyed the poem, I just didn't understand it. If I had to rate it out of 5, I would give it a 3/5.
--BlueSquare--
I really like it. I think it's insightful. It's definitely gonna make me think. But isn't that what poems are for?
Hey, HT here reviewing.
Just like to say first of all that this was very well written. That being said, in my personal opinion the title does not suit the work very well, nor did I really understand some of the lines. It seems to me that throughout the entire poem you are indeed talking about a butterfly. However, in the very first line you said,
"Said a child to his tummy,"
To me, this makes no sense and caused me to lose focus when reading the rest of the work, because I couldn't and I can't stop thinking, "What exactly did the author mean by that?" Truly, from my perspective (and yours is totally different) this line could be completely omitted and the poem would work just as well.
I would also like to mention that typically in poetry, ever line ends in a punctuation mark, and wherever there is one punctuation mark the line promptly ends.
For example, in your eighth line you said,
"Erase! Erase!"
This would become
Erase!
Erase!
Now, this is just something that is very common in poetry, but not every author does it and it just boils down to choice. If you choose not to use this rule of thumb, then that is your prerogative.
Well, I hope this helps in some way. If it doesn't, I may have to contact my therapist.
Happy Writing!
HT
Perhaps I am not necessarily the best person to review poetry as I have somewhat no experience when it comes to both reading and writing, so this review will probably be awful, but here goes nothing.
Your poem flows really nicely and even in the longer lines it reads smoothly. There is something of a liquidic feel to your writing style. The poem feels well balanced and not too kind of topheavy.
Unfortunately I didn't get the promised hidden message, but I am afraid that you would probably have to hit me over the head with it for me to get it.
But aside from that, an excellent poem. Keep up the good work!