16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Pokemon Ultimate Evolution Season 2: Episode 8, End Of Shader Part 2 of 3

by dark

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

"Alexander! How dare do something stupid like this! I drowned all of my stupid children, remember?! Listen to my voice, child, I do not like to be disappointed by the one child I allowed to live."

"Mother, my sisters are not actually dead, remember? If you drown someone from this world, they only lose consciousness..." Alex whimpered.

"Do not correct me, boy!!!" His mother screamed in his head. Her voice pounded against his ears so hard, it made him wince.

"I-I am sorry... Mother. I am afraid. Afraid of what torment the Sparkers will..."

"THEY WILL DO NO SUCH THING! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!? Alexander, you began this battle and you will finish it and finish them!!" His mother boomed.

"Y-yes, my mother. I do. If i must sacrifice the mansion or even my entire dark world to destroy them... I shall." Alex growled. His eyes shone with their red hue as he pounded against the crate to escape the prison he put himself inside of. "I will replace the family you took from me. Even if it is only that little girl that I can salvage. I cannot kill you, but I will make you suffer by succeeding.

"Excellent, boy. Your hatred for me will fuel your rage. Now, kill for you mother. And remember, if you even think about saving those girls from the water, I will end their lives." Her voice faded away in his head

"You twisted bitch." Alex thought as he pierced the crate with his ever growing claws, now in his shadowy form. Water gushed into the crate as Alex broke free from the crate. "How could you, a mother, act this way toward your children? I have always hated you since you drowned my sisters for being young and naive. Unable to protect themselves. They relied on you, and you caged them in a wet grave, laying a curse upon me in the process. Now I've become filled with this stupidity you sought out to destroy. Kidnapping a 13-year-old girl and feeling like a lustful sick bastard around her. I will not let you taunt me anymore. My only family will be saved. I if I replace them all, I will replace at least one of them..." He swam up toward the surface, but paused to stare down at the lake's floor. For a full minute, he stared at his three sisters' lifeless bodies near where the crate had landed. All still in their beautiful silver nightgowns they were wearing the day their mother drowned them and left them unconscious in the lake. "Anabell, Bethany.... Cristina. I will return to you soon. I will not let that bitch we are forced to call mother keep you away from me." He clenched the black heart-shaped necklace that Cristina forged from her own essence the night their mother declared them idiots and drowned them. The words, "Forever The Shaders' Protector" were etched into the necklace.

=====

"Ryan, I think we should start with with the clock first. Yeah, yeah, definitely the clock. I know where it is. Inside of the warehouse in the basement." Gavin said.

"Awesome, I think those other corridors might lead to it." I answered. "Well, come on kids, we've got some artifacts to destroy."

"Ryan," Jill interrupted. "Don't you think that its a bit mean to do that?"

"You could say that. However, I would never be nice to someone who, brings me to an unknown area against me will, strikes my little sister, will not face me because he's too scared." I growled. "Mmm, you know, I can smell the fear radiating off of him, literally. I think he's getting closer the since distinct stench is growing stronger."

"You think he'll come after me again. He seemed pretty excited about the idea of having his way with me." Cristina shivered. Ugh, its disgusting. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to power to potentially read someone's mind for a brief moment."
"Don't worry, when this is all done and over with, I'll teach you how to control it." I laughed.

"I don't think that's really why he wanted you so much." Gavin whispered..

"Why does he want me then, Gav?"

"Well, when I was smaller, my mom always told me stories about him. He had three sister, I think." Gavin said.

"You think I remind him of one of them?"

"Probably, I was told that one of them was a redhead just like you, Cristina. So yeah, definitely."

I barely heard a word they spoke as I focused on the distinct scent of a shady area. It was Alex, I was sure of it. But the scent suddenly stopped growing, almost as if Alex stopped too watch us through the walls. I didn't bother stopping to track it. If he were to attack... Well, I would know he was coming.

"Kids, I think we should hurry up. My nose is starting to perk up. Fear smells bitter you know."

"We should split up, Ryan." Jill suggested. We could cover more of the basement down there. All of the SMD's are probably sitting in there with dust Bunnelby living inside of them."

"Ryan, I should go alone." Cristina said. "Knowing him, I'm probably his priority.

"That's what worries me the most. You said you were able to

"Ryan, I'll be fine. If I knew that I Alex could do some serious damage to me, I wouldn't have never let myself get taken here. Please, trust me."

"I do trust you, my dear. However, it's my job to protect you."

"No it is not!" She yelled. "You may have come through for before. But it's time I let you take a break. If I get myself into trouble, its my job to get out of it!" Cristina spun around and walked up to the glass where the front door should have been. Her fist ignited with electricity and she punched the glass to get through it. Like before, the glass rebuilt itself when she stepped outside and into the darkness. Part of me wanted to go after her, but I knew there was no changing her mind.

"Ouch." Gavin and Jill said in unison. "She's mad."

"Don't worry. She's just trying to repay a non-existent debt to me. There's no changing her mind right now." I answered.

"If you say so sir."

I hopped back into the hole that led into the basement and slid down the wall. Gavin and Jill crawled down the wall behind me. When we reached the bottom, we all noticed a sudden drop in the temperature.

"Gavy, he's angry." Jill shook. I don't think I could beat him up while he's like this. The cold is already making me shiver, and we're spiders!"

"Don't worry, I don't think he's coming after us in the meantime. Lets just find those damn SMD's before I start feeling the cold."

Jill hopped onto Gavin's back and closed her two large eyes, leaving the small four ones open. Gavin did the same. We walked down the corridor on the right this time.

"You guys tired?" I asked.

"Nah, we can't see in the dark with our larger eyes." Gavin answered. "I doesn't make much sense really, but if we had our big eyes open, it would just confuse us."

"Ah okay. Hey, I think we're here."

The flames from torches flickered in the distance. I quickened my pace as we neared them and into a large room. Three figures, no taller than me, stood in the looming light. All of them had white sheets draped over them. "This is a pretty large room for only three things."

"Huh?" Jill yawned.

"Nothing Bugaboo. Just go back to sleep." Gavin whispered.

I tore the sheets off of the objects. Under them was a well-used generator, a grandfather clock, and a statue of a man who looked a little like Alex.

"Those are them. The SMD's" Gavin said crawling up to them. He began to sniff them to verify that they were real and not decoys. He backed away from them and sneezed from the immense amount of dust in his face, causing Jill to stir a bit. "Well, what now?"

"Simple, we smash 'em" I smiled. "Still, something seems so odd about this room."

I circled them room. The lifted and shattered tiles under my feet were a definite hazard, the stone brick walls coated with an old, smelly, and faded gold paint had tiny water droplets seeping through the cracks, and there were chains stuck into the ground that barley were able to hold the decorative coffin in the air above us.

"Seems normal to me." Gavin said, tilting his head to try and find any thing that stood out.

"I don't know, but let me get rid of these things before we have to find out what's causing this strange feeling. I am sick and tired of all of these delays."

+++++

Cristina walked to the back of the mansion and sat on the edge of the cliff overlooking the tiny lake. She sat with her legs draped over the cliff face, staring into the dark water.

"Excuse me?" A small female voice whispered into her ear. Cristina jumped up to face a girl almost foot shorter than her. The girl wore a fine, silver nightgown. Her hair was short, slicked back, and red, just like hers.

"Hi. What's your name, sweetie? Mine's Cristina." She said, still startled by the girl's sudden appearance.

The girl place a finger on her lips and thought for a moment. Then she gasped.

"I-I can't remember it. I'm sorry..."

"Don't be." Cristina said in a soothing voice. She knelt down to place a hand on the girl's shoulder, but it went right through her.

"Oh, I didn't tell you? I'm a ghost. I've been this way for, uh, five years I think?" She said. "Mmm, I can remember that but not my name? Mother always said I was an idiot."

"Well you're mother is nothing but a jerk!" Cristina said angrily. "I can't believe she would say something like that to her own child!"

The girl was frightened by Cristina's sudden outburst and waited for her to settle down.

"Anyway..." She began to say. "I wanted to ask for you help, if you can help me you know. You see, my mother trapped me in that big, big lake down there. I was wondering if you could help me and Annie and Bethie out of there. I would ask my brother, but he's really scary..."

"I wish I knew where that so called mother is so I could twist off her fingers one by one..." Cristina thought.

"Hey! Are you okay?" The girl asked, pulling Cristina away from her gruesome thoughts.

"Huh? uh, no I heard you." She said shaking her head. "Where's this brother of yours?"

"I dunno. I heard him whisper to me a few minutes ago. I think he said my name but something blocked it from me. His name is Alex."

"Alex is your brother!?" Cristina gasped.

"Yes, did you see him?"

"Yeah but---" She stopped herself and sighed. "He shackled me to a wall and would have molested me if it wasn't for my brother."

"Really? Hm, he hasn't changed at all. As much as I'm scared of what he... did to me, he's still my only protector... My sister's and I will never wake up again if he doesn't save us. He's the only person who could save us besides my mother, and she's the one who put us there in the first place. I."

"I feel so bad for this girl. She never had a chance if Alex hadn't been there... Then again, he was still as sick then as he is now."

"Anyway, Cristina, is there any way, way way at all that you could get us out?" The girl asked.

"Well I could try swimming down there and pulling you guys up."

"Yeah that should work!" The girl beamed. Her smile quickly faded as it was one of the causes of her mother drowning her in the first place. She hated smiling children unless it was with malevolent purpose. "Um, will you be safe?"

"Of course. I'll go down to the shoreline and dive in from there, then I pull you and those other girls out and rest them out the shore. How's that sound?" Cristina said with a comforting smile.

The girl phased into a transparent form and glided silently in the air down to the shore that was riddled with black sand that was surprisingly warm. She motioned for Cristina to follow her.

"C'mon!" She said. "I show you where we are."

When she reached the shore, Cristina kicked off her sneakers and walked onto the sand. It felt delightful in between her toes.

"Say, why aren't those other girls with you?" She finally asked.

"They're scared. Alex wasn't exactly nice to them. They didn't know that he was only listening to mother whenever he was being mean."

"He must have really loved you guys."

"He did but, we still don't really understand him sometimes." The girl said, returning from the shady form.

"Alex still hasn't come for me yet. Maybe he wants me to free his sisters before he comes. This could be a trap, but I can't just leave knowing there are people, little girls unconscious in that lake..." "Alright then..." Cristina breathed. "Let's get this done and over with."

Cristina leaped into the warm, smokey water and searched for the bodies. Occasionally a Basculin nipped at her feet, causing her to giggle a bit. She kicked them away and continued her search. After a while, she spotted the girl's physical body, in between two others. "That must be them. Time to get them out of here..." She thought. "I can't believe this is a reality. Those girls are so innocent."

Cristina grabbed Anabell first and tried with all of her strength to pull her up, barely able to lift her off of the lake's floor. "Gah, I can't do this alone..."

--------

Alex watched Gavin and I intently from within the walls.

"Only, three more minutes until the curse wears off. I'll be back to my old self again. No more inappropriate thoughts, I hope..." He whispered to himself. "My physical healing should come back as well, but it will be and half an hour after the curse dissolves that all of my inherited powers from father return to me. Es vairs nebūs slims, vājš cilvēks jums gribēja precēties... I will no longer be the sick, weak man you wanted to marry... Sorry to disappoint you bitch.

His realization plucked away all of his anger generated by his mother. Now he only thought about defying her and rescuing his sisters from as watery slumber. He longer wanted to try and replace his baby sister, Cristina. She was too perfect to be replaced. Alex slowly floated up to the surface, counting down the time before the curse wore off.

"Mwuhuhu, just two short minutes left. Oh, I wish Elec could see the terror I am finally about to bring upon Ryan. He better be thanking me, risking my life to avenge him, conflicting with my curse, and causing my mind to go haywire and do stupid things... No more! RYAN WILL KNOW MY TRUE INTENTIONS!"

He grew impatient and decided to phase next to his sister's side. "Cristina, did it work? Did she fall for it?"

"Yes Alex, no problem, but I still wish we didn't have to kill her. I thought you hated Elec. Why do all of this for him?" She asked.

"Sometimes I ask myself that same question. I guess its because I hope the dead can come back to life one day, just so I could rub this in his face, and make him serve me for avenging him by killing his worst enemy. But mostly its because I knew him as a leader. and no one, no one lays a finger on my leaders until I say so." Alex closed his eyes and remembered that day when I killed Elec in a fit of rage. He would have yelled for me to stop and let him suffer, but he took too much pleasure in watching him die, but in his mind he thought, "Damn you Sparker, I didn't give you the 'ok' yet! What are you doing!?"

"Don't worry about it. You, Annie and Beth will finally be free. That's all that matters."

Alex left his baby sister's side and floated over to Cristina who was catching her breath. HE whispered in her ear with a ghostly voice, making himself invisible as well.

"I appreciate what you're doing for my sisters, but let me help you. Just this once, I promise I'l never touch you again..."

Cristina listened intently swimming up to the surface in the at the same time to catch her breath.

"You..." She began in between her breaths. "You put me through hell in the short hours I've... Been in this dark world of yours... I can't just leave knowing those girls have been trapped in there for nine years. I'm giving you the permission to help me, but know after I get them out, you will feel to wrath I have bottled up inside of me. I won't just end your life, I'll make you suffer as much as those girls have suffered from your cowardice."

"I understand. My mother's curse on me is the cause for all of this." Alex whispered. He gently placed his ghostly, invisible hand on her shoulder and gave her a surge of energy just like he'd done for Elec in the past. Cristina's eyes turned red and ringed. Like before, a loud, killer road shot out from her. She sped back into the water like a torpedo and grabbed all three of the girls at once, pulled them up to the shore, and lay their bodies on the sand. She shot a killer look at Alex, who was no longer invisible to her while she was like this. He floated to the top of the cliff and returned to his regular form, his red glistening red. The Cristina, Bethany, and Anabell were at his side, cowering behind him.

"Are we done here?" Anabell asked him. "Are we free?"

"Almost. Now we dish out the final piece of the puzzle. As long as she lives, she won't let you return to your bodies. But, for now, Annie, go check on Father's artifacts. Ryan plans on destroying them. He knows the mansion's weakness now. " She obeyed and phased inside of the mansion. "Cristina," He said, facing the smallest girl. "Thank you for trusting me. I know it was scary, but I'm so happy you believed in me."

Cristina put her hands around the heart necklace Alex wore.

"You kept this?" She asked.

"Of course, sweetie. I never took it off. Its a part of me now."

Cristina shrunk back behind Bethany.

"If it wasn't for him, Mother would have killed us instead." Bethany thought. "If this is what we have to do to repay his sacrifice, it shall be done." She pushed her thoughts into Alex's mind. "Let's just get this over with. You know I don't like killing people and neither does Cristina. Just make sure you let us return to our bodies after it's done."

"Of course, Bethany. 'Forever The Shaders' Protector', remember?" He said, laughing.

"Right." Bethany nodded. "I never forgot that."

"I didn't either." Cristina whimpered. "But... Will I have to kill this girl too? I thought she was nice and, well, she helped us."

"I told you," Alex said. "This was all apart of the plan. Mother's curse has finally worn off now that all your bodies are out of the water. We can't hold back. Not even Ryan can prevent this now, hahaha!"

"Alex," Anabell interrupted, returning to his side.. "A man and a Galvantula destroyed them, all three of them. All of the bonding spells Father put on them have been completely destroyed. The mansion won't heal from any damage now.".

"No matter, you know how to do magic or whatever it is father did to create the bonds, so when this is all over, then we worry about them mansion. Anyway, lets have some fun for a change. Just like old times." Alex stepped forward and a rush of energy flew into him. His eyes returned to their natural red color, and his hair became black again. He froze in his tracks.

"Alex what's wrong?" Bethany asked.

"Nothing. I feel just fine. The curse has finally worn off." He took a deep breath. "It feels good to be me again!! Come on Cristina, fight me, if you dare. Ryan's not here to protect you now!"

"I was tricked... I WAS TRICKED!!!!!!" She screamed in her head. "No more stalling, boy. Come at me dammit!!"

"As you wish, my dear. Heh heh..."

The three of them rushed on Cristina. She fought Alex back as long as she could. The girls quickly overpowered her. All of her attacks went through them, leaving them unharmed. Cristina fell to the ground and threw up her hands to protect herself from the assault. The flood of rage in her was not enough to give her the power to attack transparent beings. An electric barrier formed around her, repelling even the girls.

"Crap. A fail safe system. The girl's got talent I can tell you that." Anabell said. "Guys I hate to say it but, we are not getting through this."

"No matter Annie, she's using energy to form that thing even as she rest. It'll fizzle out eventually." Alex sighed. He sat down near the force field. "Cristina, you fool, even all bruised up like that, you look so beautiful. However, I no longer have any interest in you like that oh no. Now you're just bait again."

"No. I'm... NOT!!!" She screamed. An ear piercing roar louder than any of the others was released from her. It sent Alex and the girls flying backwards.

=======

The clock, generator, and statue lay in a heap of rubble and wires at the feet of Gavin and I. They were stubborn objects, taking a longer time to break than expected. A ghostly smoke broke out from all of them as they cracked shattered. It was magic-like as well as mysterious.

"Well..." I said smiling at Gavin. That's that."

"Yeah, yeah, tiring work..." He said. "What now?"

"We should go back for Cristina. I know she won't be happy about it but..."

I didn't have the time to finish. Cristina's roar had just hit us like a bag of bricks. It took it's time traveling through the walls. I covered my ears. Gavin and Jill winced in pain, as I did.

No, that's her again... But this time, she's in serious danger. It shows in the roar...

"Ryan didn't you say that sound was made by Cristina before?" Gavin asked with a worried look? Jill was now wide awake, and the temperature returned to normal.

The pain subsided enough for me to answer him.

"Quickly, we have to get outside. That was her, just like before. Hurry!!!"

I ran with lighting speed up the wall without any trouble. I was already outside and in the back of the mansion before Gavin and Jill could even move.

"Should we go after him, Gavy?" Jill asked, jumping off of his head.

Nah, let's just go to the back of this room and snuggle like we used to." Gavin laughed. "This is Ryan and Cristina's business. We were only the extra party."

"Gavy, you're so smart."

"Yeah, whatever you say..." He said in a groggy voice. He felt something coming over him, but he couldn't quite figure it out.

Something compelled him to cover the entrance to the wall with string. He formed a solid barrier of string, strong enough so he couldn't escape the room. He left an opening small enough for Jill to barely get through it. As he turned to face Jill, an evil malevolent look generated in his eyes. He shook his head and slowly made his way towards Jill. Jill could see a shadowy figure standing beside him. A torrent of fear ran over her and she ran up the wall to escape the ghost attempting to possess Gavin.

"Jill? What's the matter?" He asked tilting his head.As he reached the middle of the room the chains holding the coffin in the air, gave out and let the coffin fall. It landed on Gavin with a loud crash, pinning him under it instantly.

+=+=+=

I watched Alex and the girls close in on Cristina and begin to attack her with Shadow Balls and Dark Pulses.

"NO!" I cried out.

A sudden rush of rage exploded inside of me, causing me to black out. I could still see through my eyes, but I couldn't control my body at all. After the first few seconds of the rage, I was ripped away from my body. I became a ghost just like Anabell, Bethany, and Cristina. I watched my body lash out on her assailants. It fired a Hyper Beam from the palms of my hands. The attack hit its mark, destroying the girls' ghost forms, causing them to fade into the air. They all let out shrill, terrifying cries as they disappeared. Alex was flung into the mansion, sending him through the wall and into the main hall. It rushed toward him and began to wail on him like I did with Elec, only this time, there were no knives in my hands. Only the light blue electricity that swallowed them and added to the beating even more. Alex's face was completely covered in blood within the first 30 seconds of my attack. It picked him up and threw him down the hole to the basement with all of my strength. He hit the ground so hard that the solid concrete cracked below him. It jumped down and landed right on top of him planting my shoes in his chest. He was so mangled that he couldn't even make a sound of pain. It turned around and left him to die. It ran up the wall and stood still for a minute. A dark figure shaped like Zekrom flew threw the ceiling and invaded my body.

"Yes!" I cheered. "The fail safe worked, but I still need to get back into my body.." I tried floating in front of him but he couldn't see me. I tried calling his name, but I still oblivious to my presence. Suddenly, I was pulled into a white light. I held my ghostly hand out to Zekrom. I was sucked in almost instantly after.

=+=+=+=+=+

Surprisingly, it took Zekrom more than five minutes to gain control of my body. My body's eyes turned red. Zekrom stared at my hands.

"Damn, I was hoping I would never have to do this." He said. "Ryan, what have you gotten Cristina into. She's only been with us for a day..."

Cristina was sitting against the wall near the hole Alex was thrown through.. Zekrom knelt down beside her and held her close, checking her face and body for and wounds, like a concerned mother would for her child. Her eyes returned to normal and the surge of power Alex had given her to save his sisters had worn off. She was crying because she had been fooled into to doing exactly what Alex wanted.

"Ryan, I'm fine. They didn't hurt me." She said. "They were able to fool me though, I thought I would be okay by myself, but..."

"Shh, it's okay." He said. "You're okay. That's all I care about right now."

"I'm sorry, you know more than me, and I should have listened to you." Those girls needed help, so I helped them. I shouldn't have trusted them." She looked up at my red eyes "What happened to you?"

"Don't worry," I said. "Ryan is alright. He caught in between dimensions. His rage from seeing you being assaulted was too much for him to handle, so I threw myself into his body before it killed him.

"Zekrom?"

"Yes, sweetie. Its me." He laughed. "I hate to see you again under these terms, but luckily Ryan and I trained for this. The wall of darkness surrounding this forest almost made me fail. I was very lucky to get through. Needless to say, I think Alex survived."

Cristina stood up and walked toward the hole.

"So you let him live?" She asked.

Zekrom arched a brow at her question, but could tell where she was going with it.

"I'm a Pokemon of Ideals, dear. It wasn't my intention to come here just to finish what Ryan began. I only came to end it before war between the lost members of Shader Dynasty came after him, even though he could take them all."

Zekrom walked to her side and stared down at Alex's body. It appeared as if his wounds had healed, but physically, he was still mangled. Mangled and alive. Zekrom jumped down the hole, grabbed him by his neck, and brought him up toward the cliff at the back of the mansion.

"Wait, leave him there. I need to finish this. Its only natural that I do."

Comments & reviews · 5
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Hannah
Review
Hannah wrote a review · Sun May 25, 2014 8:00 am

Back again. It feels nice to be back in the swing of things~

So, first off I noticed two things in this area:

"We should split up, Ryan." Jill suggested. We could cover more of the basement down there. All of the SMD's are probably sitting in there with dust Bunnelby living inside of them."

"Ryan, I should go alone." Cristina said. "Knowing him, I'm probably his priority.

"That's what worries me the most. You said you were able to


One is obviously the unfinished sentence, and the second is the abbreviation "SMD", which I don't know what it is. Shader... ??? something? I think you could afford to call whatever this is by its full name even if you did so in a previous chapter, 'cause unless the abbreviation is commonly used like over a period of YEARS, it doesn't usually show up in dialogue~ haha.

It landed on Gavin with a loud crash, pinning him under it instantly.


Noooo, not my sweet spider! Did the destruction of those three object release random ghosts in the mansion, or are these specific ghosts? Who was trying to possess Gavin?! These are my questions.

And now I have even bigger questions. Who is Zekrom? I remember it a little bit from previous chapters, but I think I was confused then, too. Is it just the pokemon form of Ryan? And so if he takes over, it feels different? How does Cristina know Zekrom? I must have forgotten what happened before. If it's important, please remind me so I can know as I continue to read the rest of your chapters!

Thanks, dark. See you on the next one~

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Gummy
Review
Gummy wrote a review · Sun Dec 29, 2013 6:35 pm

Gummy's the name, reviewing's my game, and here's a little speed review for you! Practically every issue was taken care of by Captain megsug down there, so I'll make this quick.

This Pokémon fanfic is very dark. Then again, so are most of the works on this site. I just didn't expect such a masterpiece coming from a Pokémon fanfiction.

I really enjoyed reading this piece, especially the internal monologue at the start where he vows to return to the girls... The grammar is really well polished, and the theme seems to be a little out of place at some points, but it's generally kept under control. Finally, I'd like to point out that I was genuinely interested for the entirety of the piece! ...Which is really good, by the way.

So, yeah. That's it for me! As always, keep writing, take care, and I expect to read more of your works in the near future! Remember, the key is to keep practicing! This was Gummy, signing out.

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megsug
Review
megsug wrote a review · Thu Dec 12, 2013 2:36 am

Hey there Dark~
I'm here to give you a review. This is the first piece of yours I'm going to read, so I don't have any background on your story. I also have minimal Pokemon experience. If I say anything really weird that doesn't make sense or make a critique that you think is wrong, blame it on that. ;)

Wow. This plot is very interesting. I'm intrigued, even this far in. That's a good sign.

I'll start with some nitpicks:

"THEY WILL DO NO SUCH THING! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!?

All caps in your writing is seen as a little unprofessional. There's nothing 'wrong' with it necessarily, but it does distract a little. The readers get your point when you say she boomed, and if you really feel it requires extra emphasis, use some italics.

If I must sacrifice the mansion


I cannot kill you, but I will make you suffer by succeeding."

This happens a few other times, where you forget a quotation mark. A close read through should find all of that though.

Her voice faded away in his head.

You miss a lot of punctuation and letters. I think it's just simple typos, so a read through with a fine tooth comb should do the trick.

I if I replace them all, I will replace at least one of them..."

I'm not sure what this is supposed to say. Something's off though I think.
I'm going to offer an opinion: italics are better for thoughts. Especially since your thoughts are so long. You also put thoughts in italics later on. Consistency is important. Of course, that's my opinion. Ignore it if you wish.

All still in their beautiful silver nightgowns they had been wearing the day


Gavin whispered..


almost as if Alex stopped too watch us through the walls.


"That's what worries me the most. You said you were able to

Able to what?

"You may have come through for before.

For seems out of place here. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be there and you forgot a different word or what.

Let's just find those damn SMD's before I start feeling the cold."

Let's is a contraction of 'let us.' Gotta have those apostrophes.

"Huh?" Jill yawned.

"Nothing Bugaboo. Just go back to sleep." Gavin whispered.

Seems like a funny time to fall asleep.... And I'm not sure how they got to this point. Gavin just said they weren't sleepy and they were walking... And now they're in a room, but she can still sleep?

"Oh, I didn't tell you? I'm a ghost. I've been this way for, uh, five years I think?"

I mean, after Cristina's hand passes through her, this piece of dialogue is pretty pointless, not to mention it sounds a little forced. The girl isn't even reacting to anything. Cristina didn't react at all from what you've written.

I was wondering if you could help me and Annie and Bethie out of there.

She can't remember her own name, but she can remember her sisters'?

and she's the one who put us there in the first place. I.

Is something supposed to go with that I?

"Anyway, Cristina, is there any way, way way at all that you could get us out?"

Any reason for the multiple ways?

then I'll pull you and those other girls

This typo also happens more than once. If you don't understand why there needs to be will in there, send me a PM and I'll help you out.

He no longer wanted to try and replace his baby sister, Cristina.


Aand no one, no one lays a finger on my leaders until I say so."


Cristina listened intently swimming up to the surface in the at the same time to catch her breath

She giggled underwater earlier. She can't giggle and not breath at the same time.

"Wait, leave him there. I need to finish this. Its only natural that I do."

Not quite sure who's talking here which is a shame because I like the ending.

So, there were several other typos, but this review is getting really lengthy. Again, a proofread will weed all of those out for you.

I feel like a lot of things go by too fast. Like, after Cristina saves the girls everything happens way too fast. I have no time to experience anything. I can't be happy the girls are saved or relieved/irritated that the curse has been lifted or horrified when she's trapped in her own defense shield and is being surrounded by enemies. Slow down a bit and describe what each character is experiencing and feeling, so that the reader in turn feels something.

Also, I like how your POV changes, but I think you reveal too much. I'm never really surprised because you always show your hand in someone else's POV. For example, with Alex, we could have thought he was actually helping Cristina if you hadn't previously told us it was a trap. Readers like a little surprise. Don't be skimpy with it.

I do like the idea though. The girls who are drowned but not dead is very interesting, and Alex is a fascinating character. He alone wants me to know more.

That wraps it up for me.
If you have any questions or concerns, PM me, hit up my wall, or catch me on the chat bar. If you ever need a review, let me know.
Later~
Megs~

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SoundsOfLife
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This was really cool. I liked it a lot.

I'll make a better review as soon as I can.

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dark
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Wow, how about that?!



Mariah Carey
— WFP chat in Holiday Trivia Night (2025)