*This story is under my folder “Love in decaying hearts”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842&start=60. Enjoy!*
There once was a little boy named Xavier who was the only friend of a girl called Lilith. Lilith liked looking for dead baby birds in the school playground with him, since so many of them liked to fly out of their nests. The birds weren’t ready for flight but that didn’t stop them. She had deep red eyes that scared a lot of the other kids, but not him.
Yes, Xavier knew that Lilith was a vampire. She told him that her parents were vampires as well. But she never hurt him. She didn’t force him to play with the others. She didn’t even play with him.
They both spent their moments talking to each other about anything, Xavier wishing all the while that he could stay awake in the night like she could and heal quickly like she did.
He wondered why she didn’t like being a vampire sometimes. Sure, people would judge her, but he didn’t think that what they thought mattered.
And her drinking blood didn’t scare him.
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i think that this is a very good concept for characters, but i do believe that the execution is a little off. It feels vague in some parts, but too detailed in others. like the first paragraph, i feel as if you could have stretched that exposition throughout the rest of the piece instead of just laying it all out right there. and the part where you say lilith didnt force xavier to play with the others, who are the others? other children, vampires? I do like that her name is Lilith, like the mother of all monsters in Greek mythology, I dont know if that was on purpose, or if it really relates to the story, but if it was I like that little detail. Overall i think all that needs work is the pacing of information.
Hia creeper!
He doesn’t like playing with other children so he appreciates that she also doesn’t wanna do this? So what are they doing together? Just… walking around the school yard looking for things she can eat?I think I remember what Love in Decaying Hearts is all about so let’s head right in :3
I think the first paragraph is a bit too overloaded with info this time around. We do get the information of how Xavier feels about Lilith’s eyes but not about how he feels about the rather odd hobby of her looking for dead birds. I wish you would have mentioned here WHY she picks up these birds (to eat them, I presume? So maybe info on how quickly she needs to find them before they are no longer to useful for her would have been nice too :3)
I would also love for you to elaborate on this:
-- I know next paragraph is abt how they are talking. I still feel like a bit of elaboration on why playing is so offputting would have been nice and it would have said something about both Xavier and Lilith. Right now, it’s a bit too on the nose to be immersive ;3
If vampires can persist on the blood of dead animals, I also don’t think there is a huge deal with being one! So I’m with Xavier here XD
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