*This story is under my folder “Love in decaying hearts”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=150. Enjoy!*
There lived a little girl named Lilith Williams, who drank the blood of small animals.
Yes, she was a vampire. A vampire with pale skin, red eyes and black, feathery wings, just like her father. Her mother was a winged vampire too, but her wings were black and red and she was not pale with red eyes, but light brown with dark brown eyes.
Lilith did go on nightly hunts with her parents, killing only sometimes and doing it to those she was told “deserved it”. Lilith didn’t really know much about the humans in her neighborhood, except for the fact that their blood tasted too heavy compared to the animals she ate.
There was one human she knew and that was Xavier, her classmate. He didn’t run away from her crying or ask why she had red eyes, either. He sat next to her and played quietly, sometimes talking to her, but only sometimes. Usually they looked for dead baby birds in the school playground together. There were a lot of them that dropped from their nests.
Her parents said that Xavier sounded like a good friend, but Lilith wasn’t sure if he really was her friend. She just liked having him around.
Of course, she didn’t tell her parents that he knew they were all vampires. They’d freak out. But she figured that he should have known.
One day, she’d take him to her mansion. She’d show him more, like the wings she hid in the folds of her skin, the way her parents taught her. She wanted him to know more.
But like her parents always said, humans changed and rarely for the better. She just had to wait and see how he’d be.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
Hello! I'm unfamiliar with this series, but I've always enjoyed your supernatural pieces, so I'm excited to hop into this work. Let's get into it:
Ooh, okay. I like these sort of hooks that introduce a dark element to the characters. And the next paragraph immediately tells us what we're assuming. Love that bit of humor. It also introduces us to her parents with some cool lore about them. I don't know if vampires with wings is a common part of the folklore, but it's a really cool detail.
This piece is short and sweet, but we get the base ideas of these characters and their world. Xavier is sweet, and I think their friendship is adorable. But the last line ends on something foreboding, and it's a great setup to the rest of the series. Well done!
Thx for reading!!! Vampires aren’t really described with feathery wings, I just made that up.
Hey hey hey!
This is an evocative piece with some really powerful imagery! I'm intrigued and would love to know more about these characters and their relationships - as with other things I've read from you, I'm craving more details!
Love this as an opening line - I love how fairytale it is, the echoed 'li' sounds with 'lived', 'little', and 'Lilith', the way those drop away completely as you move into the more macabre second half of the sentence. I really enjoy the parallel between 'little girl' and 'small animals', as well - I almost wonder if you might want to make it the same adjective, to draw that out a bit more?
Her being a vampire was actually not my first assumption, as vampires are more known for drinking from humans, so this lands a little oddly! This is compounded by the fact that you go straight into talking about her having black feathery wings, also not a stock vampire trait. Speaking of which, I'm not sure how relevant her parents' eyes and skin and wing colours are to the story? Personally, I don't really care about the minutiae of their appearance - I'd rather learn who they are as people, or what their relationship with Lilith is like! We get a little of this later on, but only a sentence or two.
I'm not sure what 'heavy' means in relation to taste?
Yes!!!! This right here!!!! Both of these details are so lovely, and give me a tiny window into their dynamic, but I'm so hungry for more! You could get an entire scene out of Xavier sitting next to her for the first time and what Lilith makes of it, and another one out of them wandering around looking for dead baby birds together!
The way this sentence is structured makes it sound like Xavier is asking why Lilith ran away from her own crying, which makes no sense lol. An easy fix would be to swap them around, i.e. 'He didn't run away from her crying or ask her why she had red eyes.'
The detail that Xavier is her classmate has me asking questions about the setting, too. Red eyes are abnormal but could feasibly be written off as a genetic defect or something; black feathery wings are a lot harder to ignore, and breaks my suspension of disbelief. Surely more people know that there's something up with her, if not the specifics of it? How did she get enrolled in school in the first place?
This is really lovely - I like the mixture of cynicism and hope to it, Lilith hoping that he'll turn out okay while also preparing for the worst. You have a real knack for striking last lines!
Great work - keep writing!
She hides her wings behind her back. But I will write that next time.
Thx for reading/advice!
Vampires are not really described with feathery wings, but I decided that these vampires should have them.