Twilight Scottson-Love in decaying hearts

Twilight stood in a bathroom stall, looking through the crack of the closed door as she waited for Melanie. She had already ate lunch, so there was nothing else to do but to make her pay. It would make more sense to say that ‘there was nothing else to do but wait,’ since that is what Twilight is doing at this moment. If making Melanie pay for something is the goal here, then it’s okay to tell your readers that but I word it differently. Have her waiting and then say something along the lines of: …nothing else to do but wait. She had to make Melanie pay. or, …nothing else to do but wait. She had to teach Melanie a lesson.

That was most of what Twilight did most of the time. She made Melanie pay I would start a new sentence here. for coming to school in messy clothes, for spending her time sitting in a corner, and writing orand drawing…change the ellipsis to a period and start a new sentence here. why was she like that? Why was she so creepy? I am a little confused how Melanie’s actions make her creepy. I mean weird could be explained sure, especially if she is coming to school dirty, but creepy isn’t really expressed here. I get that it is Twilight’s opinion on Melanie, I would just love to see some description that actually backs up that basis.

It bothered Twilight that Melanie was strange that way and she always made sure that Melanie knew it. She said words that would make Melanie cry, thatones would let her know that she didn’t belong, but still, she acted the way that she did and in that moment, when Melanie looked at Austin, Twilight’s boyfriend, she knew that Melanie had to get it. First, this is a pretty large mouthy sentence. I would suggest breaking it up at where you have the ‘but’ in the sentence. Second thing is, I’m a little lost with what is happening. First we were getting told how Twilight felt about Melanie and how she basically bullied her, then it suddenly transitioned into why Twilight was mad at Melanie in the beginning. I would suggest making it a little smoother of a transition. Kind of like: …but, she still acted that way, and when Twilight caught Melanie looking at Austin she knew that she had to learn.. or something similar. But what? What would she do? Would Melanie even come to the bathroom? A little late in my opinion for Twilight to be questioning herself now, especially since she’s already in the bathroom and stated that Melanie needs to pay. I would think that she already has a plan and knowledge that Melanie would be coming into the bathroom prior to the current events.

The mainbathroom door creaked uponopen. Footsteps echoed on the tiled floor and then, Twilight saw Melanie go up to the sink in her dirty yellow dress and brush her long, black hair away from her face. and then-

“You think that you have a fat CHANCE with Austin? YOU? The homeless creep?!” Twilight screeched, slamming open the door open. Maybe you can specify that it is the stall door that Twilight is slamming open, otherwise it seems like it is the door that leads to the bathroom.

Melanie was not actually homeless, but Twilight wanted her to feel bad, so she called her that.

“What are you talking about?” Melanie asked, her voice soft and hollow, as if she didn’t understand, as if she didn’t know, but she knew, you don’t need the comma here she was pretending. Does Melanie actually know or is it Twilight’s belief.

“Oh please, don’t act so innocent. I’ve seen the way you look at him. The way you want him.” Twilight said, taking a step closer to her. They were little glances, but they were enough to boil her blood. Nobody was allowed to look at Austin but her!

“He’s MY boyfriend, Melanie. MINE. You have no one, because you never care to clean yourself.” Since you are continuing the previous dialogue from Twilight, you can add it to the above chunk of text. It is okay to continue conversation after action as long as it is the same person speaking and it is a continuation of thought.

Tears pooled out of Melanie’s eyes, which earned a twitch of a smile on Twilight’s face, but it wasn’t enough. She had to do something else. In her skirt pocket were scissors that she tookhad taken from art class. She didn’t know why she had felt like taking them then, just that something inside of her was telling her that she had to take the scissors, that she needed them.

She knew exactly what to do with the cold, sharp silver scissors now, the Start a new sentence here scissors that could cut so cleanly, so perfectly.

“It’s all that hair guys are attracted to. Your hair makes you look beautiful. Like a model.”

Because what else would they love about her but her long, flowing black hair, the hair that covered her face, the hair that Twilight could not have, no matter how hard she tried. A little odd that Twilight is calling Melanie beautiful now and complementing her hair when prior she was only talking negatively about her. Feels a bit contradictory to the characters opinion on the other girl. Maybe you can move this a little further up when she is first talking about Melanie’s appearance and then the dialogue would fit better here.

“How’d you feel if you lost all of that hair?”

“What-“

She didn’t let Melanie finish. She grabbed her and kept her locked under her arm, cutting off strands of her hair with the scissors, pulling it off with her hands-stabbing her scalp with them. If she is cutting off the strands of hair and stabbing Melanie’s scalp then she doesn’t need to be pulling it off with her hands too. Typically when you’re cutting hair, whatever has been cut will fall to the floor, or counter ect… Melanie may have only looked at Austin, but it was just a look that would make Austin leave her. Her big, brown eyes between her strands of black hair was more than what Twilight would have, more than what anyone would have and she would not let Melanie go, not until she destroyed her hair, until she made her bleed all over, until- Again, this is a very mouthy sentence. I would break it up into a few shorter ones, so it flows better and doesn’t tire your readers.

“Calm down!” Addie-Addie?! Who is Addie? Is it the person talking now? If so, then why is it written as a question? It feels like a weird way to write it and have another character show up.

Twilight felt herself being pulled away, felt two arms holding onto her. She could see Melanie crying, bloody, bald patches on her head. There was another girl holding Melanie-Skylar, Melanie’s friend. She was holding her and…

Twilight looked up and saw that her friend, Addie, was pulling her away. I would move this sentence to the paragraph above. Have her look up and see her friend as soon as she feels herself being pulled away. Then continue with her looking towards Melanie. She tried to push away, to get back to Melanie, because the scissors weren’t bloody enough, because and Melanie wasn’t bleeding enough, but Addie’s fingernails dug deep into her arms, as deep as the hold Twilight had on Melanie How does Twilight still have a hold on Melanie if she has been pulled off of her and trying to get back? and-and they were leaving the bathroom, Twilight’s free hand twitching where it once held the scissors, the scissors that she must have dropped in the bathroom and-

She was breathing so hard.

Alrighty, I like how this piece is going. I think it makes for a pretty interesting short horror-esque story. I was kind of hoping though to seem some of the supernatural elements that you tagged it with.

My main overall critique outside of the read through edits and commentary focus on your use of commas and sentence structure/length. Right now, there are so many places where your writing would benefit by replacing commas with periods or other forms of punctuation. Basically, you are comma splicing a lot. This disrupts the flow of the story quite a bit and makes it difficult to follow along. Super simple fix that just takes a read through and finding the places where a long run-on sentence can be broken up. Look for the sentences that can be two independent ones. I'm pretty sure I pointed out a few above if you don't know what to look for.

As far as characters come, I think you have some pretty strong ones here. I am curious though why Twilight truly hates Melanie. I mean it seems a bit much to have her hate the other girl just because she dresses weird and doesn't socialize much. If your goal is to have your reader sympathize with Twilight and share her distaste of Melanie, then give us something to go on that would explain the hatred. Right now, I actually sympathize with Melanie since Twilight feels and sounds like a massive bully towards the other girl. Especially if Twilight is hurting the other girl simply because she looked at Twilight's boyfriend. I don't know about Austin, but if I was him and found out this happened, I would leave Twilight and it wouldn't be because Melanie had pretty hair.

Thank you for sharing your piece.

Ah the cover still shows your old username, huh? =D

Oh this is one of the things that work really well as a standalone and being so short! I love the way you approach Twilight’s thought process and the justifications she gives to herself about why she is treating Melanie the way she does! And this rabid possessiveness over Austin @.@ That is so well-portrayed!

Remember how I didn’t like how Zane in the Monster of the Internet story just randomly said “Excitement is on your way” and murdered that kid with 0 justification in-story or even to himself? That it happened without him acknowledging the move in any way and how I thought that this didn’t work?
Well look at this:

She didn’t know why she felt like taking them then, just that something inside of her was telling her that she had to take the scissors, that she needed them.

This works! It’s so good and so well-handled! This is all I needed from Zane in the other story to make his scene work!


Ohh what are you doing, Twilight, complementing your sworn enemy (I know it is just to take this pretty thing away from Melanie but still: hair can grow back and now Melanie knows that she has one beautiful feature that even her bullies cannot unsee!)

That story was intense and I really like it 😊