*This story is underneath my folder titled “Dark stories to read whenever and wherever”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Count Lachlan couldn’t believe it. For the very first time in his life, he screamed.
He watched helplessly from outside of Raylen’s window as the girl drove the stake into Raylen’s heart, and then rise to Heaven in a golden light. Count Lachlan had figured out how to kill Hawthorne and was going to tell Raylen, and yet, in an instant, Raylen died right in front of him, all because of one girl.
Count Lachlan gripped the window tightly, watching as Raylen burned away, with not a single thing he could do.
Well, there was one thing.
He’d kill Hawthorne. For Raylen.
……………………………………………………
Count Lachlan walked down the halls of the house, adrenaline pumping into his undead veins. Finally, Hawthorne was going to die.
Hawthorne wasn’t an ordinary vampire. He had been bitten by Count Lachlan’s mother, a woman who was already married. According to the many books he read, if someone was turned by a married vampire who intended to spend eternity with them romantically, there was less chance that they would die. Less chance, not no chance.
Count Lachlan and Raylen always searched for Hawthorne, but only Count Lachlan knew how to kill him.
“Lachlan! I got the stuff, should we do it now?” A girl’s voice asked from behind him.
Count Lachlan turned around. Standing behind him were two ghostly adolescents, both aged fourteen. The girl wore a doll costume, and the boy wore a vampire costume.
Count Lachlan and Raylen met them years ago, when they discovered Hawthorne’s house. Their names were Lulu and Leo, and they both died to Hawthorne on Halloween. They didn’t really like Raylen or Count Lachlan, but they both agreed that Hawthorne had to die and so, they would help them both for that very reason.
If only Raylen were here. Count Lachlan thought miserably.
“Not now! Follow me.” Count Lachlan said.
Lulu and Leo followed closely after him, Lulu gripping the stake wrapped in a pearl necklace that belonged to Count Lachlan’s mother. That was the way to kill a vampire like Hawthorne. A stake holding a personal item of the one who turned them.
Count Lachlan didn’t want to hold the stake. Even though his mother had left him, she was still his mother, and the thought of holding a weapon woven in something of hers sickened him within.
Hawthorne was washing the blood from his walls, no doubt the blood of someone he killed before. Count Lachlan didn’t see any other ghosts but Lulu and Leo, but maybe it was because Hawthorne hid the bodies in other places.
No matter. He was distracted.
“Did you really think that I was gone?” Count Lachlan asked.
Hawthorne turned sharply to look at him, his teeth in a bloodied grin. Lulu and Leo, being ghosts, appeared right behind him.
Lulu drove the stake through Hawthorne’s back, then gave it to Leo, who gleefully drove it down further.
Count Lachlan watched as Hawthorne fell to the ground, eyes bugged out in shock. Blood stained his mother’s necklace. Lulu and Leo rose to Heaven in golden light.
It didn’t change the fact that Raylen was dead.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Let’s work through the next folder!
Since you marked this as “to read whenever” I would really appreciate some sort of context for the first part of this story. Like, where are we? Who is this girl that does the killing? Please do some more describing, it’s vital!
I find the lore abt married vampires interesting.
Remember dialogue formatting:
We have “said” there fore we need the comma, instead of the period.
Oh man what a story. I kinda like that the count got his wish, Hawthorne didn’t feel like a good character but if you spend more time explaining just what’s happening in the first part with Raylen, then this would hit even better.
Hi creeperfeverdreams! Lim here with a review.
From what we see I can tell Count Lachlan cares deeply for Raylen. It seems that Hawthorne had harmed Raylen, or both of them, before Raylen’s death, which would explain why Count Lachlan was already planning to kill Hawthorne in the beginning of the story. Lulu and Leo seem somewhat mischievous and very likely angry at Hawthorne, not being hesitant to strike the killing blow despite being kids. I didn’t form much of an impression of Hawthorne. Was he the one who sent the girl to kill Raylen? Or was that unrelated?
I kind of like the idea of Count Lachlan forming a team of people who were wronged by Hawthorne to kill him. I think that has the potential for some interesting dynamics, since in the story Lulu and Leo dislike the vampires and are only helping to get revenge on Hawthorne.
It feels like the theme or message of the story is about how Count Lachlan doesn’t really get what he wants by killing Hawthorne, as Raylen is already dead. Meanwhile, it seems like killing Hawthorne is really meaningful for Lulu and Leo, since they are able to move on into Heaven after his death. Since this story is told from Count Lachlan’s point of view, I get the sense that the overall mood is meant to be somber, but I guess I feel conflicted about that because he does achieve his objective in the end. Maybe having more of this thoughts written would clarify how the reader is meant to understand this tale.
I feel like I needed more context on who Hawthorne was to feel the significance of them killing Hawthorne. In this story we only see Hawthorne doing bad stuff (i.e. cleaning up after a murder) *as* he is being killed. I wonder if it would make it more impactful to show the reader why Count Lachlan and Raylen want Hawthorne dead in the beginning, and then show Raylen be killed, before the rest of the plot unfolds? Just a suggestion!
I do like the amount of vampire lore that is explained in the story, as I feel we get just enough to understand Count Lachlan’s plan.
The idea that a vampire’s love seems to grant special powers is interesting. I don’t think I’ve seen it before. The only comparable thing I can think of is the idea of thralls though those are obviously different since they are servants of vampires, not turned out of love.
Overall, I thought the ideas here were interesting, and I was definitely rooting for Lulu and Leo to get a happy ending, even while appreciating the tragic aspect of Count Lachlan’s story.
Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim
So glad you enjoyed! I have more stories about the characters under my folder %u201CDark stories to read whenever and wherever%u201D if you are interested in finding out more!