12+ Violence Mature Content

Count Lachlan, how he only wanted to thrive

*This story is underneath my folder titled “Dark stories to read whenever and wherever”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs <33”. Enjoy!*

Introduction

Lachlan creaked open the door to his father’s bedroom. He was asleep, which was a mistake. As Count, he should always be awake, for there was not a soul to trust.

Lachlan crept up to the side of his bed and held his father close. Lachlan’s fingers were delicate, he made sure not to wake him.

The hunger deep inside of Lachlan was growing, the desire deep inside was stirring. He needed to eat, he had to eat.

Lachlan opened his mouth, and reared towards his father’s neck. He felt the blood seep into his veins, the rich goodness giving him life, sustaining him.

Lachlan was free.

Chapter One

Count Lachlan smiled as he looked out his bedroom window into the foggy outdoors. Yes, he was Count Lachlan. After the “untimely death” of his father, the title of Count went to him.

Throngs of people from different parts of his village would come to celebrate with him, to honor him. They would all have a grand, glorious time fawning with the rich and royalty.

Count Lachlan smiled, his fangs visible.

He’d get the satisfactory meal to last him years…

Chapter Two

AFTER A FEW HOURS

Count Lachlan greeted the guests, smiling with closed lips so that they would not ask too many questions. There was a blur of humans, a blur of skin and flesh, but one individual caught his eye.

A girl, about the same age as him, named Sabina. Her light brown skin glistened with life, her large, brown, doll-like eyes were full of innocence, and her light carnation blue dress swayed with beauty.

He’d keep his eye on her.

Chapter Three

Count Lachlan watched from the shadows of his palace as few danced, and most fretted impatiently for the food. Sabina had the innocence and fear of a deer in her eyes, but there was also a hint of determination.

Was she going to challenge him? She, a mere human? Someone who knew not of the evil within?

Well, he wouldn’t mind much.

Chapter Four

Sabina walked up to Count Lachlan and asked:

“What is for dinner? We’ve been waiting for hours and have been served nothing. Did you want us to parade in here for you? If you’re not going to feed us, then why should we stay?”

The fright from her eyes was gone, replaced with fiery anger. Count Lachlan bit down on his bottom lip to suppress his laughter.

“Why, my dear, I’m just preparing it.” Count Lachlan said, lacing his arm around Sabina’s.

“Unhand me at once!” Sabina shrieked, struggling to move from his grip.

But Count Lachlan’s arm was firmly intertwined with hers, and he led her off to the room at the end of the hall.

Chapter Five

“What are you doing? What is the meaning of this? What-“

“You’re the dinner, darling.” Count Lachlan whispered in her ear.

They were both in his room, the door was closed. Count Lachlan brought Sabina close to him before she could protest and sunk his teeth into her neck, drinking her blood, her vitality, her life source.

How rich and pure was the blood of a young girl.

Chapter Six

Count Lachlan pushed Sabina’s body aside and headed towards the main room, to where all the guests unknowingly waited.

“That wasn’t the deal.” A voice whispered in his ear.

Count Lachlan sighed. He knew the voice well. It was Raylen, the vampire who turned him. Raylen agreed to turn him under the condition that he harm no innocent being, and of course, Count Lachlan had to promise him.

Promises didn’t have to be kept, though.

“It’s not your business what I do. What’s the point of being a vampire if you don’t exert your power?” Count Lachlan asked.

He was about to walk away, but Raylen grabbed his shoulder, his claws digging into Count Lachlan’s shoulder.

Goodness, but he’s quite the namby-pamby! Count Lachlan thought to himself.

“I strongly suggest you reconsider.” Raylen said.

There was a hint of rage in his smooth, melodic voice, a hint of the predator he really was, and Lachlan almost cracked a smile at hearing it.

The only thing stopping Lachlan from grinning was the fact that Raylen wouldn’t ever join him, ever.

Chapter Seven

Count Lachlan didn’t waste a second. He ran throughout the ballroom, biting one victim after another, relishing in the sounds of screams and sounds of feet desperately trying to run away. He was a shadow, speeding past the bodies.

I strongly suggest you reconsider.

But why? Why would he “reconsider” the best thing that ever happened to him? Why would he change anything? Blood and flesh was his high, and it was rich in texture and flavor.

Count Lachlan was better than them, he deserved nothing more than to be an eternal vampire.

Chapter Eight

FLASHBACK

Lachlan watched the flames rise from his bedroom window. The townspeople had found another vampire to burn, another “abomination” to be rid of.

He gripped the curtains violently, almost tearing them apart, but not quite, for he was a mere, worthless human.

Lachlan’s father was asleep, for he never cared much for his status. Lachlan opened his bedroom window a crack and jumped out, not caring if he lived or died.

He had to get out.

……………………………………………………

Lachlan had survived. He should have known that he would live, there was a forest next to his castle, but he wanted to think about the possibility of death, which no one was immune to. After all, his room was so high up.

Vampires were immune, for the most part. That was why he wanted to be one. So he wouldn’t end up like his mother.

Lachlan ran through the forest, towards where the vampire was burning. If someone was dying, he had to see it. He had to witness their pain. He had to feel it.

……………………………………………………

Lachlan stopped running. He had made it to the end of the forest, which lead off to the town square. Humans jeered and hollered as the…a girl? They were burning a girl?

She screamed, her voice rang with desperation and hoarseness, like an animated corpse begging for salvation.

But there was another sound besides the girl’s screams. A softer sound that no one else could hear.

Lachlan turned towards the noise.

A boy around his age watched from behind the trees, his crimson eyes clouded with tears, his body shaking with complete fear. He stayed in the shadows, which was good.

But then, the boy sprinted towards the town. Lachlan’s heart beat rapidly as he ran towards him. No, the boy couldn’t throw himself at the ring of fire.

“Let me go! Let me burn with her!” The boy cried out when Lachlan wrapped his arms around him.

The boy clawed at his arms, trying to escape, but Lachlan wouldn’t let him. He held on, taking him away from the scene of horror.

“It’s not worth it. You don’t deserve it.” Lachlan whispered.

“You don’t know what I am. Now, let me burn with the one I love.” The boy seethed. He bit into Lachlan’s arm, but he didn’t flinch.

“It’s not your fault that they don’t understand. Close your eyes. I’ll take you to my home. You’ll be safe there.” Lachlan whispered.

The boy tried to fight, tried to break from his grasp, but when he figured that Lachlan wasn’t going to give up, he stopped.

Lachlan couldn’t help but wonder why the humans called vampires monsters when they were ones who were burning lives away.

Chapter Nine

Count Lachlan climbed out of the ballroom window. His mouth was messily smeared with blood, the hunger did nothing to quell the emptiness within.

Memories of his mother were but a faint dream. Her face was blurred, her voice was a soothing, unintelligible buzz. He forgot exactly what she looked and sounded like, but she had to be out there somewhere, right?

After all, vampires existed. Perhaps she was one of them…

Chapter Ten

“You’re still looking for your mother?” Raylen asked.

Count Lachlan stopped. He had just climbed out of the window and was about to walk in the forest, but he didn’t expect Raylen to join him.

“Of course. Why would I stop?” Count Lachlan asked. Really, if he found his mother, then he’d be able to live peacefully.

“Well, you’re not going without me. I’ll help you.” Raylen said.

Didn’t Raylen disapprove of what he was doing? Didn’t he find Count Lachlan to be a monster?

“Why do you want to help me?” Count Lachlan asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Because it’s part of our deal.” Raylen said matter of factly.

But then, he wiped the blood off of Count Lachlan’s mouth, which was not part of the deal.

Chapter Eleven

Raylen told Count Lachlan that he searched the whole town for his lost mother every day, with the help of an old photo of her. He hadn’t found her yet, but Count Lachlan appreciated him tagging along. Maybe, they would both find her together.

“Why didn’t you listen to me? Why didn’t you let them go? They didn’t do anything to you.” Raylen said.

No, they didn’t, but they would keep from going hungry for a long while. Besides, they deserved it for merely existing.

“We’re vampires, Raylen. We have to kill.” Count Lachlan said.

“But we could just eat animals! Why can’t we-“

“Humans are animals, Raylen! They fall under the classification of animals! What difference does it make if the lives we take can speak to us or not? Do you want to live or just exist? Do you remember what they did to Katarina?”

Raylen stopped walking. His red eyes stared off blankly, and all at once, Count Lachlan wished that he hadn’t said anything.

“I’m sorry I snapped. I know how much Katarina means to you. Come now, let’s go.” Count Lachlan said.

For even in death, Katarina was still in Raylen’s heart.

Chapter Twelve

They had been walking for a while, but finally, Count Lachlan stopped.

Could it be her? The woman walking on the street, with the long, dark curls and flowing blue dress? Who was the dark-haired man with her? No, that wasn’t important. The woman had the same sweet green eyes and immaculate smile as his mother.

“That man is supposed to be dead.” Raylen seethed.

Count Lachlan froze. Raylen was focusing on the man? Why? Whatever had the man done to him?

Chapter Thirteen

“Who? The man with my mother?” Count Lachlan asked.

Raylen nodded.

“He turned Katarina into a vampire. Me and Katarina killed him together. Why is he still alive?” Raylen asked, voice laced with deep pain.

“Why don’t we find out together?” Count Lachlan asked with a grin.

Surely, if they both dealt with it, then there would be less of a mess, right?

Chapter Fourteen

In the shadows, Count Lachlan and Raylen crept. They closely followed the woman and man as they made their way into an enormous, Renaissance style white mansion.

“Mother! Hear me now!” Count Lachlan called out.

The woman sharply turned around, the man next to her tensed up like a cat.

Chapter Fifteen

“Are you my mother? I was told that you died, but I never believed it. I always thought that you were out there, somewhere, so…do you remember me? Lachlan?” Count Lachlan asked.

There was a good chance that if the woman was his mother, she wouldn’t recognize him. He was six the last time he saw her, a lot changed from six to sixteen.

But then, her eyes flashed as if she knew him. Raylen tensed up, focusing not on the woman, but on the man.

Chapter Sixteen

“Lachlan?! Is it really you? Oh, I can see your features now, even as the years have passed!” The woman exclaimed.

Wasn’t he supposed to be relieved that she remembered him after the time that went on? Wasn’t a weight from his heart supposed to die? He waited to see his mother his whole life, so…

Why did Count Lachlan feel hostile on the inside?

Chapter Seventeen

FLASHBACK

Lachlan opened the door to his parents’ bedroom, but only Dad sat on the bed, rubbing his forehead with his hands.

“Where is Mom? Did she go out to market?” Lachlan asked. Sometimes, Mom went out to the market to buy trinkets and food, necessities and treats.

“She’s gone.” Dad said morosely.

“Gone? No she’s not. She can’t be gone.” Lachlan argued. Nobody was just “gone”, that wasn’t possible.

“But she is. I’m sorry, son. She is.” Dad said.

She wasn’t. That much, Lachlan knew. Dad didn’t know her as well as he did, he didn’t understand like Lachlan did.

But Mom wasn’t gone. He was sure of it. He believed in it with the certainty of death’s arrival.

Chapter Eighteen

“I made a point to never forget you, to always remember your details. Lachlan, I love you, but…this is my life now. Vampirism is my life.” The woman said.

So she was just going to leave him? Just like that? It slightly bit at him on the inside, but only slightly.

The woman slipped her hand into the man’s.

“This is Hawthorne. He’s my life now.” She gushed.

Chapter Nineteen

“I knew it! It’s him! You took Katarina! Why, why are you still alive?!” Raylen yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Hawthorne.

Count Lachlan saw his eyes go wild, even more so than the night he found Raylen in the woods.

“Now, don’t be upset, but I wasn’t ready to have children. I only want to be with my childhood friend. You have to understand this, Lachlan.”

No. He wouldn’t listen to her. She left him for a life of vampirism, to live forever, to be with Hawthorne.

As Count Lachlan lunged at the woman, Raylen lunged at Hawthorne. Claws out, teeth bared.

They’d erase their monsters.

Chapter Twenty

FLASHBACK

“You’re a vampire, aren’t you?” Lachlan asked.

He and the boy were in the foyer together, the boy lying on the couch with a blanket that Lachlan gave him, Lachlan himself pacing in the room.

“Yes, that is my curse.” The boy said mournfully.

“Do you know who I am?” Lachlan asked.

“I cannot recall.” The boy said.

Ah, that was certainly a first.

Lachlan stopped in front of the couch, facing him.

“I’m Lachlan, the Count’s son. I’m next in line, but I don’t get my father’s position until he dies. You see, he’s not very fit of a man for his position…”

Lachlan walked up closer to the boy and kneeled down, so that he was face-to-face with his burning crimson eyes.

“I need your help. You have to turn me. I can’t live another second as a miserable human. I can’t let my father live another day. Please, turn me and then, you’ll never have to see me again.” Lachlan said.

It contorted his heart, how much of a beggar he sounded like. But as a vampire, he could do so much more. He could find his mother. He could turn her. They’d live with each other, just the two of them.

“You don’t want to be a vampire. You don’t want to live my life. You don’t-“

“But I do! I do want to live this why, that’s why I’m imploring you to turn me! You don’t know how much this means to me, you don’t-“

“I do. As a vampire, you’re alone. Everyone you’ve ever loved will die, and you will live on until the very end of the universe. I’ve lost Katarina, I might as well just stake myself.”

“No! Don’t talk like that! Your existence is a gift to the world!”

But the boy wasn’t convinced. He got up from the couch, but Lachlan sprang from the ground and pushed him back down on the couch.

“Unhand me, human! Let me stake myself with the firewood! Let me-“

“No! I will not! You’re going to bite me, and then, you’re going to stay here, so that I’ll see to it that you don’t stake yourself!”

“You have wood! I can-“

“I’ll hide it!”

“I’ll find it!”

“I’ll never let you.” Lachlan seethed.

The boy clawed at his skin, hissing as he did so, but Lachlan wouldn’t let go. He couldn’t let him lose the greatest gift ever given.

“Bite me! NOW! As royalty, I COMMAND you to!”

Still, the boy fought against him with such feral, animal ferocity that Lachlan’s skin was starting to peel off.

“You don’t want to do it?! Fine! I’ll do it myself!”

Lachlan brought the boy’s face up to his neck and held onto his head, so that he may not let go.

The boy didn’t understand how much he was worth, but that was alright. Lachlan would teach him.

Epilogue

Count Lachlan never imagined that he would kill his mother, but he did. He was free from both parents.

Raylen, unfortunately, was not so lucky. Hawthorne lived through his attacks, as though he defied death itself.

Throughout the centuries, Count Lachlan made a point to never leave his side. Together, they would find a way to kill Hawthorne.

As long as Raylen had Count Lachlan, he’d make sure that Raylen would never feel his pain. Ever.

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User avatar
Dossereana
Review

Hi @vampricone6783 I'm here to do a short or long review on your novel/chapters, I haven't really reviewed something like this before so this might not be the greatest advice or complements, I can give. :)

Introduction

Lachlan creaked open the door to his father’s bedroom. He was asleep, which was a mistake. As Count, he should always be awake, for there was not a soul to trust.

Lachlan crept up to the side of his bed and held his father close. Lachlan’s fingers were delicate, he made sure not to wake him.

The hunger deep inside of Lachlan was growing, the desire deep inside was stirring. He needed to eat, he had to eat.

Lachlan opened his mouth, and reared towards his father’s neck. He felt the blood seep into his veins, the rich goodness giving him life, sustaining him.

Lachlan was free.


OMG immediate feeling of remorse here for the father, but also worry for the child that's doing this without mercy.
word of advice before killing someone off so quickly maybe build there character up so it makes the reader feel even more like they lost a really meaning full character when it happens, it will make the death more impactful where as here I didn't feel that much because I don't know anything about the father.

Chapter One

Count Lachlan smiled as he looked out his bedroom window into the foggy outdoors. Yes, he was Count Lachlan. After the “untimely death” of his father, the title of Count went to him.

Throngs of people from different parts of his village would come to celebrate with him, to honor him. They would all have a grand, glorious time fawning with the rich and royalty.

Count Lachlan smiled, his fangs visible.

He’d get the satisfactory meal to last him years…

Chapter Two

AFTER A FEW HOURS


Count Lachlan greeted the guests, smiling with closed lips so that they would not ask too many questions. There was a blur of humans, a blur of skin and flesh, but one individual caught his eye.

A girl, about the same age as him, named Sabina. Her light brown skin glistened with life, her large, brown, doll-like eyes were full of innocence, and her light carnation blue dress swayed with beauty.

He’d keep his eye on her.

Chapter Three

Count Lachlan watched from the shadows of his palace as few danced, and most fretted impatiently for the food. Sabina had the innocence and fear of a deer in her eyes, but there was also a hint of determination.

Was she going to challenge him? She, a mere human? Someone who knew not of the evil within?

Well, he wouldn’t mind much.


Him in charge of a kingdom, that's going to end in a disaster, I mean he killed his dad what could possibly go wrong now, oh dear now is intrested in a girl, he a vampire intrested in a human, I wonder how this is going to end up in the end, Sabina run his a psycho.

Chapter Four

Sabina walked up to Count Lachlan and asked:

“What is for dinner? We’ve been waiting for hours and have been served nothing. Did you want us to parade in here for you? If you’re not going to feed us, then why should we stay?”

The fright from her eyes was gone, replaced with fiery anger. Count Lachlan bit down on his bottom lip to suppress his laughter.

“Why, my dear, I’m just preparing it.” Count Lachlan said, lacing his arm around Sabina’s.

“Unhand me at once!” Sabina shrieked, struggling to move from his grip.

But Count Lachlan’s arm was firmly intertwined with hers, and he led her off to the room at the end of the hall.

Chapter Five

“What are you doing? What is the meaning of this? What-“

“You’re the dinner, darling.” Count Lachlan whispered in her ear.

They were both in his room, the door was closed. Count Lachlan brought Sabina close to him before she could protest and sunk his teeth into her neck, drinking her blood, her vitality, her life source.

How rich and pure was the blood of a young girl.


Eek now she is questioning his judgment of things, where's the FOOD girl don't ask him that just leave the ballroom and go somewhere else if your hungry, oh dear I guess he doesn't like her as a lover, but as DINNER!!!!! :shock: Well that was unexpected and tragic, I hope nobody else has to go through that pain, but I see him being a real bad murder, at the end of this.

Chapter Six

Count Lachlan pushed Sabina’s body aside and headed towards the main room, to where all the guests unknowingly waited.

“That wasn’t the deal.” A voice whispered in his ear.

Count Lachlan sighed. He knew the voice well. It was Raylen, the vampire who turned him. Raylen agreed to turn him under the condition that he harm no innocent being, and of course, Count Lachlan had to promise him.

Promises didn’t have to be kept, though.

“It’s not your business what I do. What’s the point of being a vampire if you don’t exert your power?” Count Lachlan asked.

He was about to walk away, but Raylen grabbed his shoulder, his claws digging into Count Lachlan’s shoulder.

Goodness, but he’s quite the namby-pamby! Count Lachlan thought to himself.

“I strongly suggest you reconsider.” Raylen said.

There was a hint of rage in his smooth, melodic voice, a hint of the predator he really was, and Lachlan almost cracked a smile at hearing it.

The only thing stopping Lachlan from grinning was the fact that Raylen wouldn’t ever join him, ever.

Chapter Seven

Count Lachlan didn’t waste a second. He ran throughout the ballroom, biting one victim after another, relishing in the sounds of screams and sounds of feet desperately trying to run away. He was a shadow, speeding past the bodies.

I strongly suggest you reconsider.

But why? Why would he “reconsider” the best thing that ever happened to him? Why would he change anything? Blood and flesh was his high, and it was rich in texture and flavor.

Count Lachlan was better than them, he deserved nothing more than to be an eternal vampire.

Chapter Eight

FLASHBACK


Lachlan watched the flames rise from his bedroom window. The townspeople had found another vampire to burn, another “abomination” to be rid of.

He gripped the curtains violently, almost tearing them apart, but not quite, for he was a mere, worthless human.

Lachlan’s father was asleep, for he never cared much for his status. Lachlan opened his bedroom window a crack and jumped out, not caring if he lived or died.

He had to get out.

……………………………………………………

Lachlan had survived. He should have known that he would live, there was a forest next to his castle, but he wanted to think about the possibility of death, which no one was immune to. After all, his room was so high up.

Vampires were immune, for the most part. That was why he wanted to be one. So he wouldn’t end up like his mother.

Lachlan ran through the forest, towards where the vampire was burning. If someone was dying, he had to see it. He had to witness their pain. He had to feel it.

……………………………………………………

Lachlan stopped running. He had made it to the end of the forest, which lead off to the town square. Humans jeered and hollered as the…a girl? They were burning a girl?

She screamed, her voice rang with desperation and hoarseness, like an animated corpse begging for salvation.

But there was another sound besides the girl’s screams. A softer sound that no one else could hear.

Lachlan turned towards the noise.

A boy around his age watched from behind the trees, his crimson eyes clouded with tears, his body shaking with complete fear. He stayed in the shadows, which was good.

But then, the boy sprinted towards the town. Lachlan’s heart beat rapidly as he ran towards him. No, the boy couldn’t throw himself at the ring of fire.

“Let me go! Let me burn with her!” The boy cried out when Lachlan wrapped his arms around him.

The boy clawed at his arms, trying to escape, but Lachlan wouldn’t let him. He held on, taking him away from the scene of horror.

“It’s not worth it. You don’t deserve it.” Lachlan whispered.

“You don’t know what I am. Now, let me burn with the one I love.” The boy seethed. He bit into Lachlan’s arm, but he didn’t flinch.

“It’s not your fault that they don’t understand. Close your eyes. I’ll take you to my home. You’ll be safe there.” Lachlan whispered.

The boy tried to fight, tried to break from his grasp, but when he figured that Lachlan wasn’t going to give up, he stopped.

Lachlan couldn’t help but wonder why the humans called vampires monsters when they were ones who were burning lives away.


Wait he made a deal with someone, what type of deal did he make, you don't make deals with someone when you know you can't keep them, I see now Raylen changed Lachlan into a vampire with some conditions put in place first, well Lachlan can't be trusted in anything, the promise is getting broken already, WHat he just killed everyone in the ball room, isn't there another Vampire king who lives some where else who can stop this madness, why'd he do that?! I guess his father didn't like being a vampire and wanted it all to be over, maybe death wasn't such a bad thing for him after all.
Who's this boy Lachlan is saving and was he a vampire already at so young, how'd he get out the palace without getting court in the slightest does he have wings, or he use teleportation?
I won't be quoting the rest since it is a lot to quote so I'll just read along and then tell you my thoughts at the end.
So after finding out that the boy he saved was Raylan that makes for some interesting turns, because I did picture Raylan as a father figure to Lachlan at first and also a much older person who Lachlan in someway looked up to, so overall it was a little bit confusing and I think if it was a bit more in depth and maybe have each chapter being a bit longer and posted at different times, it might make it even better, I think the story in my opinion was great and I loved the plot behind it and all the twists and turns on the way but I think it was rushed, just a little.
I totally didn't see the end part with his mother dying coming that's for sure, also Raylan sounds like his suffered a lot of trauma over the years, hopefully both him and Lachlan can find peace in there surroundings one day.

So that's it from me I'm sorry if I was being harsh that wasn't my intentions at all, this is just my opinion, your a wonderful writer and I hope to read more from you in the future. :)

@Dossereana Flying Over Vintage Writings & Spreading Love And Peace

His father was a human, he never suspected a thing. Lachlan was obsessed with the idea of vampirism.

I%u2019m glad that you enjoyed!

User avatar
PenguinAttack
Review

Hi Vampricone,

You have this under novel/chapter and I do think you have what could be the beginnings of an interesting novel here. You have rushed the events of the story so that it is difficult to feel like - as a reader - I have actually experienced a full narrative. It is like I went to a buffet but only received a small entree - despite the food being good enough that I'd like some more.

You have two relatively well fleshed out characters here in Raylen and Lachlan and two much less fleshed out characters who are significant to your protagonists - Hawthorn and Lachlan's mother. The brief interactions between the four people feels forced and lacks dimension that you brought to earlier interactions - I have a better sense of the nameless woman Lachlan killed at the ball than I do the mother he has been trying to find for years.

The curse of many novelists, I think, is that you have already written the story in your head so you don't see the need for additional flourishes. This is certainly what happens to me when I try and write longer pieces - as soon as I have it in my head, it is no longer interesting and I want to rush through to the end. For your reader, however, we want to languish in the world you are creating for us. We can't see the connections or descriptions that you have inside your mind, so we can't feel the same way about your characters as you do at this point.

I think you need to take more time to go into each significant moment. I don't have a good sense of the time period that these people are interacting in, so I don't know what to suggest for descriptions. That said, use the 5 senses more generously in your writing; maybe he scents something, or feels something. We need more of an anchor to connect to your character's experiences and that is one way to do it. In addition to that, fleshing out your characters and making them seem more realistic would also be useful. Lachlan thinks Raylen is pathetic one moment but in the next wont ever let him be hurt again? I'm confused about his motivations and his justification. There is also no explanation as to how Hawthorne feels about Raylen or what happened, or even who Katarina really was in the broad scope of things.

There is truly a wealth of good vampire fiction in the world with strong world building and well conceived characters. Your novel is at the beginning of one such place and I think it could be very compelling if you expand it and give the details I think readers really want to be immersed within.

If you do make any changes and I'm still around, I'd love to read them!
-Pen.

The story takes place sometime in the past. I%u2019m considering adding more but I%u2019m not sure.

Glad you enjoyed.



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