*This story is underneath my folder titled “Dark stories to read whenever and wherever”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
Just as Lachlan thought, he had ended up in the burning, rock-hardened world of Hell, the screams of the punished ringing out in the air. He too would join those screams, but that didn’t frighten him much. The important thing was that Hawthorne was dead, that the problems on Earth had been solved.
Then he heard it. The distinct, sprinkling, hiss-like sound of tears that he had come to know throughout the years.
Lachlan turned around.
Sitting on the scalding hot dirt, but not minding much, was Raylen, tears falling from blood crimson eyes.
Without a moment’s hesitation, Lachlan scooped Raylen up in his arms and wiped the tears from his eyes. He stood still, too stunned to make a single movement.
“I know. It hurts, to be in Hell. We’ll be rotting for all eternity, and it’s going to be painful. But listen: Hawthorne is dead. I killed him.” Lachlan said.
“You…you did?” Raylen asked tentatively.
“I did. He’s here too, but we’re far from him. We’re never going to have to see him again.” Lachlan said with a smile.
“But I still can’t see Katarina. She’s up in Heaven. Does she even remember me? Does-“
“How do you know for certain that she’s in Heaven? She was the one who turned you, after all. She is no less guilty of being a vampire than you are.”
“Because I feel it! In my veins. Because there is a voice in my head that tells me she is gone, and that I’ll never reach her. Because what connected us in life still connects us in death!”
“You’re absolutely certain that you’re still connected to her?”
“Of course! She turned me! We’re all linked to those that turn us. You knew that I would be here, didn’t you?”
Lachlan thought about it. Though he tried his best to deny it, the truth was still there. Even before he heard Raylen cry, he knew that Raylen was in the flames of Hell, that he too was going to burn.
“I should have tried harder to resist, like Katarina. I shouldn’t have been so weak. Even now, I’m weak. I’m not ready to face my punishment. I-“
“Stop it.” Lachlan seethed, clenching Raylen’s hand.
“You always call yourself a monster. Don’t you see? We are both monsters. We’re going to burn, but we’re going to burn together. There is beauty in watching your own flesh wither away from the heat, to watch your old self die. Though not ideal, you have me. I’ll try my best to make your suffering endurable.” Lachlan said.
“How?” Raylen asked hollowly.
In an instant, the fire raged on their bodies, greedily snaking through their flesh. Raylen screamed, but Lachlan simply wrapped his arms around Raylen, and said:
“Like this.”
And so the fire could not hurt him, so long as Lachlan was there to protect him from the worst of the blows.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi hellow! Been on a roll today, once more so here's another review. You do have a lot of stories out here in the Green Room!
I feel like I'm getting a bit of a better handle on how you write so I want to really commend you on the the beginning of this story up to and including this sentence:
From the descriptions and word choice I felt really invested!
Ah and just so you keep having examples, dialogue formatting would call for a comma here: <"I killed him,” Lachlan said.> because say is a speech verb
Oh man that story feels so sad. Like, the inevitability of it all and that both characters basically knew what would happen to them.
I still feel like your short stories, even if they connect to each other, could really benefit from more context. It would ground the dialogue more. Like, if you focus on one core issue, it would give them all more meaning.
Anyway, hope you have a great day
You have a creative and fun concept, you can expand on it in many ways! I like the dynamic between the main duo too. Something I'd personally add is a bit more worldbuilding because "hell" is a concept explored in many different way by many different people. You could brainstorm ideas to make your "hell" unique and interesting to read about.
Thanks so much for your review!