*This story is underneath my folder titled “Dark stories to read whenever and wherever”. Gacha Club character designs are underneath my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Anika held the wooden stake tightly, making sure not to disturb Raylen. He told her his name once, when he saw her passing in the halls.
As a ghost, if Anika focused long and hard enough, she could hold something solid. All she did was take a piece of floorboard that was rotting in the abandoned mansion, the perfect weapon to kill him.
Raylen sat in his study, reading through old books, invested in the words. Anika smiled, ever so grateful that he couldn’t hear her ghostly footsteps.
Without further ado, Anika raised the stake and shoved it in his heart.
She watched as he bled out, screaming from pain just as she did. A laugh escaped her lips, a cry for joy that she was finally free!
Anika felt her soul rise, ascend to Heaven, surrounding her in golden light. She smelled sweet, welcoming flowers and closed her eyes, full of bliss.
One day, her friends would join her. When the time was right, they would.
But until then, she had moments to rest all by herself, undisturbed by the perils of life.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Fascinating story! I like how you started it out, making it mysterious and interesting.
On to constructive criticism... Not to be a grammar shark, but there are some grammatical errors, and I will point them out for you:
"She watched as he bled out, screaming 'for' pain just as she did."
I think here when you wrote "screaming for pain," you meant to say "'of' or 'from' pain".
Another thing I noticed is you didn't quite stay in the same setting throughout. You seemed to switch between past tense and present tense, like "was" versus "is".
There are some conditions where it's okay to switch tenses depending on if the character is talking or if you are writing about the future, like "One day, her friends WOULD join her." This is okay because you are writing about the future.
On to the tips!
When writing a gothic novel, short story, poem, etc., you want to try and paint a picture with your writing. This means adding more words and being descriptive to make things more interesting.
I'll give you an example:
"It was nearly night as smoke covered a town near the shore. The town had been attacked and no one survived." This tells you what happened, but it doesn't really paint a good picture and doesn't sound interesting.
"It was near dusk as the sun dipped below the horizon in the distance. Fog and smoke suffocated a desolate town near the shore, where an unwanted presence lurked. The town’s once lively Street now bore the blood and bodies of its fallen residents. Not one soul survived." See how it has more detail, a few added scenes, and overall makes it more interesting.
As for structure, it's very nicely laid out, and I don't get lost in the words. It is a little short, but I also have not read before this part yet. In a way, keeping it short makes people hunger for more, and I like that. However, if it's too short, some people may lose interest, so adding more details and scenes as I said above will really help to lengthen what you are writing a bit. Be descriptive but not overwhelming if you know what I mean
Here are examples of ways to make it longer so people have more to read:
Because - due to the fact
Likewise - In addition to that
And - to add on to that
Long time - what felt like forever
And so on... I hope this has helped. Overall, I think this is a fantastic story, and I like how I can guess that it's a vampire that Anika was pursuing. I will look into some of the other stories on your portfolio and see what happened beforehand. c(:
~TaterTot
Hello Hello I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I will apologize that I haven't read the other parts before this. So I might miss out on the context yet I hope I can give good feedback nonetheless. With that being said let's get into it shall we?
Overall I love this premise. A good gothic revenge tale I see, It is really fun! I also get the vibe it deals with vampires as well you can colour me intrigued. There seems to be a lot of backstory and it does make me curious. I get the feeling there's a bunch of curses, intrigue and mystery. Sounds like my cup of steaming hot spooky tea.
I feel you have such a good setup if a bit short. We get a nice peek at what a bigger in-depth plot could be. You also give us little glimpses of the characters and the world. Things like the poor staking victim being a bookworm or ghosts having rules when it comes to interacting with things. It adds an extra layer of interest here.
Now I want to jump into feedback. Please keep in mind I am not a professional nor do you need to use anything I say. You are the author after all.
The biggest thing I found is things were very brief. I've said this before but I think adding more imagery and description would help here. Gothic works are rich in architecture and moody moments. I feel if you added details like if the place is well kept or what the shadows across the walls like it would pop. Furthermore, it would slow down the pacing and help with suspense.
Regardless of all this, I think it's a nice little story. As always keep writing and remember to drink water!
I%u2019m so glad you enjoyed this!
I like the language used and it's a very nice short story. Some context would be nice (then again its to read whenever and wherever). The pacing could be a little bit slower. I'd give it a 4.5/5, just because some of the expressions feel a little bit awkward like "screaming for pain" and "cry for joy".
(deleted comment) (yes i don't know how to delete comments sorry)