*This story is underneath my folder titled “Perdita and Thorne…”. This takes place when Thorne is five years old. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum called “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Thorne had been walking throughout the house, incredibly bored, until he had gotten downstairs and made it to where Daddy’s study was.
He had heard that Daddy liked to invent things, but he wasn’t allowed to go to his study. That was what Daddy told him, anyway.
But Thorne thought that maybe taking a look at the study wouldn’t be too bad, so he went around and took a peek from the open door.
Daddy didn’t notice Thorne, he was too busy tinkering with cogs and wheels. Thorne wasn’t even sure what he was inventing, but he saw many gears and wires, human-sized mannequins and all sorts of spare parts.
It looked like he was inventing something so spectacular, so stupendous that he couldn’t tell Thorne and Mommy about it yet, so Thorne ran away before he could be spotted.
Why, all good things took time, so Thorne would wait until Daddy would talk about his inventions!
He had no doubt that like everything his parents said and thought of, it would be amazing.
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I have read your story - this is a very short one but I do see potential in it. The way the story is written does very much feel as if a young boy is narrating it, which I like. I think tho you could have taken it in another direction where the boy goes to explore his father's study. I think it would be interesting to see what he finds and how it is told from the eyes of a curious kid. The stakes are pretty much non-existent so maybe up them, but just a bit - this is a lighthearted story after all. I would love to be emerced in a story where the boy is going through the study, looking over at the door every few seconds to see if his parents will come in, I feel like even with the lightheartedness and levity of the story, I would really be emmerced. Tho it is your story, haha, I got carried away
I have other stories that connect to this. I can put them in my comment if you%u2019re interested in reading them.
I%u2019m glad that you enjoyed!
Hello Vampricone,
I read your piece. It could use higher stakes, more fleshed out protagonist, better scene work, and an overall guided theme. I don't what exactly the point or direction the story was suppose to be headed in but I can see this story expanded with Thorne being a curious little boy sneaking around the entire house to see what Daddy is inventing. I think you have the perspective down, I just think you need to work on every other element. I suggest strengthening your voice to connect with Thorne and have the story write out itself after you flesh him out more. Take care.