Penetrating the Pale Horse
“I hate you I hate you!” Jonas screamed then stomped to his room. He walked in and slammed the door. His small fists were clenched to the point that his nails dug into his palms.
He walked over to his Rhinoceros stuffed animal, Rhino, and sat on his bed with it in his arms. He placed it next to him and started having a conversation.
“I don’t know why they hate me so much Rhino. You’re lucky you don’t have parents. They never let me do anything! I’m not a kid! I’m eight now. I’m almost a teenager!”
He fell silent, only to hear his sister blasting music in the next room. He rose and quietly snuck out of his room and into hers.
She was sitting at her desk doing homework. “Hey Jonas,” she said, smiling at her brother. But when he just stood there against the door looking down at his feet, she knew something was wrong. “You okay?”
“No!” he shouted, then blushed. He walked over to her and looked up at her paper. There was a bunch of numbers and symbols that he didn’t understand. She picked him up and placed him in her lap.
“What’s wrong?” she said, wiping away the tears from his soft cheek.
“Nothing.” He crossed his arms and pouted.
“Come on, you can tell me.”
He sighed, a bit too dramatically then looked up at her under his shaggy brown hair. “They never let me watch anything!”
“Aw, hun,” she picked him up then sat with him on her bed. They both looked out her bedroom window, which was huge and overlooking the ocean. The moon was low and looked as if it were about to touch the sea. Its shine on the ocean glided across the waves and seemed like it would hit the siblings, but instead the sand swallowed it into its shallow abyss. “You know… sometimes mum and dad do things to protect us,” she said picking up Rhino with her black fingernails.
“That’s stupid. I don’t need protecting. I can take care of myself!”
She sighed and hung her head over the window sill and let the cold wind push her bandanna. “It’s not you that needs protecting.”
He scratched behind his large ear. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“I know it doesn’t now, but it will one day.”
He hit the bed with his hand and started crying again. “You old people are always saying that! I don’t want to know later. I want to know now!”
She started coughing so she hung out the window again. Jonas followed, hitting her back as if it would help. She continued to cough until they both started crying.
“You really want to know why?” she said between coughs. He nodded. “It’s to protect your innocence.”
Jonas just stared forward, trying not to look at his suffering sister.
“It’s because children feel like they need to grow up and become like adults. But what you and other kids don’t realize is that it’s your innocence that makes you special, kind, and brave.” She looked over at Jonas and smiled to hide her misery.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, noticing her tears had stopped and she just looked ready to die.
“Oh nothing,” she said pushing aside his shaggy brown hair from his face. “Every day I worry that I won’t be able to see you grow up.”
He picked up Rhino and chucked him at the wall. “Then I’ll grow up now!”
“No!” she said, running over to pick up the animal. “No, I want the opposite.”
“What?” he asked, taking the doll from her when she thrust it towards him.
“Don’t grow up,” she said, sitting back down.
“Why not?”
She smiled and wiped a tear from his cheek. “Stop crying or you’ll turn to rust.”
He chuckled and wiped a tear of hers away, too. “Okay. I’ll never grow up.”
She nodded, “Good. Now go to bed, silly.” Her voice was becoming raspier as she spoke. It was like she was aging a year for every minute that passed.
He jumped off her bed and ran to the door. “Don’t go tonight…”
“What?” she gasped.
He scratched the skin behind his ear. “I said don’t go tonight. Don’t leave me… I still need you.”
She smiled and adjusted the bandanna hiding her bald head. “I won’t. I promise.”
He stared at her before finally heading back to his room with Rhino.
_______
For the short story contest.
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140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Wow, this was definitely a really promising beginning. I can't wait to read the next parts.
Moving on, this story really made me sad. I didn't cry, but this was definitely a moving piece.
At first, I just thought that Jonas's sister was a mature older sibling, but making her someone who lives with cancer a more interesting character.
I can't wait to see where you go with this story.
-Jane
This is a great beginning to a story and I'm glad the second part's up, cuz I'm going to run off and read it right away.
)
Like I said, this is a great beginning. There were no huge bumps in the story and I really love the characters. The sister is adorable, and since I can tell she has cancer, I'm nervous to see what happens next. The only thing I didn't like much about the sister character is that I can't tell how old she is. Maybe you can add something in like her saying to her brother "well I'm so and so years old and they're still always telling me what to do and protecting me." Just to give a better frame of reference? Because she could be any age really. Going through a major illness can mature someone wildly, but it'd be interesting to know if she's 13 or 17, you know?
Another thing I thought you could improve on, not necessarily that it is bad in the current story, but merely to add more detail to the story, is to focus on the setting details. I love Rhino, but what else is in the rooms? It might be hard to describe and make it flow, but things that are in their rooms can tell a lot about the characters. The boy likes his rhino. Are his bedroom walls covered in space ships? What about his sisters room? Maybe she has a guitar in the corner, or a keyboard, or maybe a baseball bat? Just some stuff to give us more insight into what your characters are like outside of these paragraphs will help make them more real and more colorful.
(And don't worry, your characterization in every other way is fabulous, I'm only suggestion this because I think it will improve the story by a bajillion.
Well, I'm off to read the next part!
Next part it up
I would appreciate all of your reviews.
topic63151.html
Hey!
I loooovvvveee this (sorry for all the extra letters. That's just how much I love it. XD)
I'd probably second Snoink and say to change the title, but that's just me. Other than that, I won't go over what everyone else has said.
As far as nitpicks/grammar goes, the only consistent thing I noticed was your sentence structure.
EVERY single one of your sentence begins with one of the following: He, His, Hers, She, There.
None of these are particularly strong openings, so try and stagger it! Start with a noun, adverb, or adjective.
Also, character: I love the way it is now, but I feel like Jonah could be just a tad more realistic. He's pretty good/believable now, but he's eight. They have a very distinct way of talking.
Ok--I think that's really it. Like I said, I really liked this. As you can see, I really didn't even have anything to point out.
Can't wait to read more!
Lupis
Hello Captain Crunch, I'll be your evil reviewer tonight. Alright, before I start let me just tell you that your title had me assuming that this would be about a completely different subject. I actually thought this was going to be about the Pale Horseman of the Apocalypse. You know, death thing it symbolizes.
Unless Jonas is exceptionally small, even an eight year old is difficult to hoist onto your lap. And we're talking about a girl doing it here with seemingly super human strength. This is just an educated guess, but I think the girl may have cancer or something. In reference to the bald thing. If that's the case than I'm sure she'd be particularly weak during the course of time. *Added a few seconds later* I hope she didn't just suddenly become bald, and that she's been wearing the bandanna for a while if she does have cancer. Because cancer tends to be a slow process. Though often one that ends in death.
I would put some kind of extra word like "from" before the "under." As you can see I have added it in red so you can read it both ways. Without a word like it before "under" it sounds very wrong.
Alright, I'm going to pick at you here. Brace yourself Captain. (Hm, that's an insubordinate way to talk a Captain isn't it? Ah well, I'm not planning to join an armed force soon nor become a sailor.)
Your Jonas character is quite whiny and annoying throughout your story. If that was what you were going for than congratulations. However, if you weren't than it advisable that you do away with the excess exclamation marks that are over populating your piece. Because with them in at the moment, the story gives off the vive that this kid is a real screamer. To be honest I was hoping that the parents would burst in and pipe the kid down.
But as for your other character. I really admire her. She reminds me of myself really. And she seems strong too, not to mention she's able to stand her brother's constant wailing in her face.
Good luck on the contest, even though we're currently rivals. Let the best writer prevail.
-
Just a little pet peeve. You needed a comma there, or a period. You could say, "I hate you. I hate you!" or you could go with the "I hate you, I hate you!" I personally prefer the first option, but it is indeed up to you, Classy.
It's been too long. I miss you!
But anyways. This was very nice. Very, very nice. I loved it. Nice work, the only mistake that jumped out to me was the one I pointed out just before, and that wasn't a large won. I hope you win your contest, Classy.
Huggles,
Mizz
Snoink! It's not over yet. I guess I forgot to put a (1) in the title. This is only the beginning...
Hello there, Classy!
. I love how you portray the little innocent Jonas, 'cause I know it all happens to every kid in the world. They are all very interested and curious of their surroundings. 
I totally love your story. Though it didn't bring me to tears but it was kind of a sad touching story
I really liked the ending. I noticed Jonas' sister to be sick at the middle part when she started to cough continuously.
Keep up the good work!
Peace out!
Classy! I love you but... that title is soooo wrong on so many levels. XD
Also, why is this in fantasy? It hardly seems like a fantasy short story at all.
Anyway, I like the story! Just a couple of things:
"Its shine on the ocean glided across the waves and seemed like it would hit the siblings"
I would prefer "them" to "the siblings."
She looked over at Jonas and smiled to hide her misery.
I don't like the "to hide her misery." Show, don't tell!
And yeah, that's pretty much it.
Darn it Classy! I'm this close to crying right now...I don't cry.
It was the ending that got me...It's beautiful. Really emotional, and beautiful.
I love the way that the beginning starts out as this little kid who feel like his parents are treating him like a child because they won't let him watch something on TV. Then it turns into this whole very deep story, and I love how you get what's going on across without really going into much detail.
I love it Classy, I really love it. *likes*
~Hope
Psh, way to make me cry, Classy.
It reminds me of my best friend, who died recently. More specifically, the fact that right before she went, she seemed to mature vastly beyond her years. And that's what I see happening with the girl in this story. So, yeah, spot on in that respect. The way she takes this kid and explains to him what's going on, though, I'd imagine she's young-ish herself...beautifully done.
The kid, Jonas: I like the way you wrote him. He's a little ball of fire that's trying to break out of his shell, but still clings onto threads of youth, like when he hugs and talks to Rhino.
It's a good subject choice with characters you can relate to.
I can't really find anything negative to say about it. In any other circumstance, I might, but this time I'll leave the nitpicking to someone else.
And I'm not kidding; it seriously made me cry. But it comforted me at the same time. So thanks for an awesome read! Good luck in the contest!
Hoping this made any sense at all,
Freyja